Masked.

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Leap down the rabbit hole. part 6

 

She found herself wandering further and further down the path. In awe of every beautiful thing that surrounds her, from the perfectly blue skies and the fluffy clouds painted across the vast canvas. The birds chirping their happy song, makes her heart flutter and her feet tap in synchronicity with each step she takes. This path seems to become more daunting the further she moves through this magical place, pathways become narrower. The braver she becomes, the more she doubts if taking that leap down the rabbit hole was the right choice. She must keep reminding herself that it is just fear fuelling her doubts, and that she will overcome this fear, just like she has slayed all that has been in her path before, trying to sway and keep her from exploring this magical journey that was set out for her.

 

Letting go has been the biggest test for her, letting go of all the preconceived notions she became conditioned to before she found herself in this wonderous world. Letting go of her masks, the facades she carried around. Letting go of her Ego, an ego filled with needing validation and acceptance, an Ego filled characteristics she so badly wanted to run away from, an ego she could no longer keep feeding, as all the illusions fell away, and humility brought her to her knees with every step, dark cloud and storm that greeted her on this path. There was no place for ego in this new world she found herself in, anything based on fear would be torn away, as only love and humility would guide her through the traitorous walk way.  So many things on this pathway has been mere illusion, projections of fear and cycles needing to be closed out. All the difficult battles she had to fight to get through to the next stage, even when she thought she wouldn’t get through or over it, was based on fear, and as soon as she moved in harmony with her spirit, her courage started to peak, and slowly she started to put those fears to bed, and ended cycles that kept on repeating, in order for her to gain the knowledge and wisdom to catapult her further on  her journey.

 

Standing and speaking her truth has been a crucial part of this journey. It seemed the more she started to embrace her truth, delving deep into her psyche, understanding her knowing, acknowledging her buried emotions, she set herself free. She set herself free from pain that she has carried around for the longest time, pain that clung so hard to the walls of her heart, pain supressed deep in her mind, a type of pain she became accustomed to live with, until it slowly started creeping out from within her, where she could no longer deny it, where she couldn’t mask the symptoms anymore, and had to go deep down to that root and pluck it out for good. So, when all those dark clouds approached in formation, she knew that that silver lining was winking at her, with every truth she accepted, she gave way for a piece of pain to be released and tarnished. She no longer allowed her pain and the symptoms there off to consume her body, her mind, her spirit, her soul. Realising that it hurt most to conceal and cover up all these scars behind a mask, that the weight just kept getting heavier and weighed her down, that all these walls she built around herself didn’t permit for any of these low vibrational feelings to exist and that she blocked the high vibrational feelings at the same time.

 

She realised that standing and owning her truth meant to be completely honest, to not be selective with the truths she wished to acknowledge. Accepting who she truly is, is what this journey had in store for her. This journey needed her to stand her ground, to speak up for herself, to claim her power. By speaking her truth, she had to let go of fear-based thoughts, overthinking, over rationalising, creating scenario’s (that seemed to be her biggest escape), and face everything that was inside of her. So long on this journey as she overcame obstacles around every bend, the challenges seemed to just get more difficult instead of easier. But she is resilient and with every challenge overcome, she levelled up in bravery, newly found strength she didn’t even knew she had. By speaking her truth, she accessed her true vulnerable state, the vulnerable state where she let go of fears, being so honest about her true feelings, without being consumed by the what if’s, the what not’s, the maybe’s and worrying if things will be the same.

She embraced these feelings, as she became vulnerable, everything she felt and spoke, came from a place of love. The deep place of love that is indescribably freeing. As soon as she let go of all her inhibitions and fear-based thinking and worrying, a sense of freedom and serenity started to spill over her. She started doing and acting from a place of true unconditional love, the love that she had for herself. She was no longer fixated on the outcome, the when’s and the how’s. all that she knew was that she had this strong conviction, spilling from deep from her soul, that she indeed is stepping into her true Divine Feminine power and that there is only place for love. That what ever will happen on her path, she will approach it with love, that no matter how she would rather remain quiet than cause conflict, she realised with deep faith that what stems from her soul is love, and that loving herself and remaining true to her path, required her to act and speak from a place of this deep unconditional love.

 

Letting go required her to go deep within, to be truly vulnerable and this is fuelled by the unconditional love she has for herself. Letting go brought freedom, the freedom that feels like finally being found and in a serene place. She knows this path and all its things is meant for her, to be her true powerful self, and as soon as she really let go, love elevated her, love is her strength in vulnerability. This Divine Feminine power that she embodies as she further struts down this pathway, bends and all, her Love and vulnerability is her super power, as she slays away all the bad and sees that silver lining shine in all its glory.

PHOENIX

Phoenix

Brave

I walked through coals
Burned by every step taken
As flames engulfed me

I flinched and panted
As smoke filled my lungs
And blinded my eyes

Excruciating heat
Threatening to burn my soul to ashes

Bravely I kept walking
As my skin peeled off
Blood dripping

Through the fire I kept walking,
Crawling
Through the fire I became stronger,
Strengthfully
Through the fire I found enlightenment,
Awakened
Through the fire I burnt my old self to the ground
Restored, Renewed
Through the fire I became brave,
Warrior
Through the fire I became fearless,
Letting go
Going Through the fire was my rebirth,
Divine Feminine

Through the fire, bravely, I slayed

Johyphendene

Future is Female

Feet firmly on the ground
Head way up in the clouds
Step by step she walks
As the constellations guides
In her truth she stands

Balancing light and darkness
Centred in belief
Ying and yang she balances
In her present
She grows in presence

Her fear she let go
She walks in Faith
She thinks in affirmations
Her hope inspires
Her Love leads

Embodying Her Divine Feminine
Claiming her Power
She keeps rising
Fearlessly she pushes
And when you look at her

Be sure that the Future is Female

Johyphendene

Beautiful One : Until you realise

Until you realise that you are enough, nothing will change
Until you become aware that you are a deserving soul, you will always second guess
Until you realise you are worthy, you will always settle
Until you realise that you are love, you will always seek it in your surroundings

Beautiful girl
Don’t you know that you are a gift
A perfectly crafted creation, the embodiment of love
You are more than the body that houses your unique soul
You are the brightness of stars from galaxies throughout time
You are the warmth of the sun that burns those unworthy of your shine
You are melodies sung by the waves of the ocean
You are as free as the wind that blows from east to west, from north to south
You are mother nature in human form
You are birth and rebirth in tune with the cycles of the seasons
My beautiful one, life is born from within you

Your voice sweeter than honey drops
Your smile brighter than the evening star
Your eyes the windows of the soul
Your mind the library of knowledge
Your heart the capsule of unconditional love
Your feet firmly planted in humbleness
Your hands eagerly creating

The coldness of winter will come, you will feel barren, but this is just a time to slumber and replenish
The spring will come, you will sprout, renewed and refreshed
Oh how worthy you are,
Oh how graceful you are
Oh my beautiful one, you have always been

Johyphendene

Unknown external, turmoil internal

It is something i cannot explain
It is like being full, yet void at the same time
It is like a heart pounding, racing, beating profusely in your chest
It is a mind that wanders, from the break of dawn till dusk sets in, it is a full time job, managing thoughts, chaotic and turbulent, pleasant and cheerful, like 4seasons time 4 in one day
It is like a smile that is painted on, contoured to perfection, bright and flashy, with the stern and coldness of a botox injection
It is eyes that appear to have stars in them, that twinkle is tears resisting to spill out and flood the flawlessly viewed face
Breathing, one, two, three… But no one sees how every gasp of air seems to be smaller then the previous. Chest expands, and yet it feels like drowning
Lonely it feels, surrounded by many, yet understood by none.
I wish I could explain, but how can I, when I can’t even explain it to myself

Gasping for air, holding back tears, smiling to keep up appearances, utterances of confidence, keeping a poised pose. Anxiously anxious fighting of the deepness of the darkest of depressed depths.
It is unknown by the external , a constant turmoil internal

Johyphendene

Letter to Depression

Daily, I come to the realization what it means when they say, just take it one day at a time, in most cases I just take it hour by hour, and other times minute by minute.

My mind turns fuzzy, my heart races, I clench my jaws, grind my teeth, I try to gasp for air as my lungs seems to give out. My eyes swell up with tears, it rolls down my cheeks and I have no control over it. I scream to myself to keep it together, but no sound comes out, just sighs of anxiety and breathlessness. Talk about it they say, but how can I talk when I am consumed by wordless emotions, restricted breathes, tongue tied, rolled up like a carpet being put in storage.

Snap out of it and be happy they say, get some fresh air, dress up and be pretty, that will help. How frustrating it gets, to respond with “yes, I will do that, yes, I have tried that”, when that is seriously all that I do and try to do. It is like walking in nature, feeling gratitude for all the beauty that surrounds you and being totally amazed by all the wonders that is created in this world and suddenly, a dark cloud just comes over you. A cloud that comes out of nowhere, a dense fog that surrounds you, a tornado growing spreading turmoil from the tip of your fingers to the strands of your hair. From the outside you look like perfection and that all is well, but inside it feels like you are drowning, fighting tooth and nail just to produce a grin that somewhat seems like a genuine smile.

I hate that it comes across that I’m not grateful, I mean everyone always says that someone out there has it worse and doesn’t even have half the blessings that you have. Don’t you think I know that, that I am fully aware of it. Don’t you think that, that frustrates me more than anything else. I am grateful, and I am so blessed, and I give thanks every possible chance there is. Stop surrounding yourself with assholes they say, that is why you are depressed. Cutting assholes and people out of my life that enhances negativity is what I did and still do, and yet I feel like the asshole most of the time.

Maybe, I am so good with motivation and positive affirmations, because that is how I get through every day, constantly reminding and telling myself how powerful and brilliant I am, that I have so much potential and passion, that I am love, that I am loved; some days my self-talk just consists of telling myself to take one more step, to just put one foot in front of the other, and that infamous lyrics of Wilson Phillips– just hold on for one more day .

I am such a social butterfly, I Love being surrounded by people, getting to know them and learn from them, but I also find immense comfort in seclusion and being on my own. Some days are so bad, I can be surrounded by a lot of people and feel the love and yet feel so lonely and isolated, so how the fuck is that possible, but it happens. I get random outbursts of anger, I am not even aware of this, in my mind it sounds normal in a normal tone of voice, only to realise when the words slip from my mouth that it is filled with anger, highly pitched, or even filled with sadness and barely audible. So how the fuck do I even start to make sense of this all. I find myself where I imprison myself in isolation, I find comfort in that, but it is also easier to just be quiet, in fear of saying and doing the wrongs things. How do I explain to someone what is going on in my mind, in my body, when I don’t even know; when I have to fight this little shadow that trails beside me, some days it disappears and other days its larger than life. So how do I even try to explain it, when I constantly try to explain it to myself.

I know people get fed up with my moods, I fucking get fed up with myself. I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, but I also don’t want to be the person who shouts and screams and forces my less than positive energy onto others.

When I have good days, I embrace it, I suck the life out of it, I try to be as productive as possible and the radiant person that I know I am. And as I take the good days, I also take the bad. As the bad days come, I try to push it away, but the more I push, the more it persists, and I think I just learn to let it come and go, roll with the punches and let it play out.

I tell myself that bad days don’t last, as wordless words surround me. Some days are worse than others, and some days are just so exhilarating wonderful.

Depression I will not allow you to win, you can come in and try your luck, but every time I will come out on top. Kicking, screaming, crying, I will persist; you will not define me, you will not control me, you will in fact catapult me into being the victorious powerful warrior that I am.

Selfish to Self-exploration

This one conversation keeps popping up in my head. It was about two years ago, I remember being so completely honest and confident in what I had to say. “The next few years I want to focus on myself, I want to do what makes me happy, I want to explore all possibilities that life has to offer me, I am going to be selfish, I want to shift my attention towards my goals, dreams, my career prospects and aspirations. And of course I want to find love and have someone to share my life with and all this will come at the right time when it is supposed too; and if I do meet that someone along my journey, he will know where my head is at, and if he wants to continue on this journey with me, helping me grow into the best version of myself, that would be wonderfully amazing, but if he doesn’t get the concept of where my head and heart is at, well feel free to leave”.

 

When I spoke these words, I think at that point my focus was mostly based on my career prospects and living out my passions that burned deep inside of my soul. What I didn’t know was by speaking those words into the Universe, I opened a part of myself that needed to be paid attention too. Yes, I had this concept of who I am, who I want to be and aspired too, I basically had the big picture in my mind, but not the how…all I knew was, that I had to focus on myself, selfishly. It is rather funny as I look back on that conversation and realise just how much growth I have experienced, it may not seem significant to some, but to me, it is life changing.

I was so focussed on progressing and becoming the me that I know I can be, but somehow facing blockages, as if the progress was stagnant. Little did I know that being selfish and focussing on myself, meant delving into every little part of my brain, corners of my heart and fragments of my soul.

Selfishly focussed on myself started to mean the following (and I think I’m realising this, as I am typing right now):

Speaking my truth, not only speaking of selected experiences that has shaped me throughout my adult life thus far (which often I wanted to just be the good) but speaking all of it. Taking the road of exploration deep within, as far back as my childhood. Fixing wounds that was metaphorically swept under the rug, reliving experiences, finding out how it impacted me and how it still impacts me to this day…trust me, the ripple effect has a lasting effect, whether you want to admit it or not.

Being grateful, not just for all that I have and all that will still flourish in my life, but for every experience and person that has ever crossed my path, whether it was smooth sailing or road blocks, white flags or even those dreaded red ones. In each experience a feeling of gratitude rises, whether a good or bad situation, in the end it shapes you.

Being confident flowed into becoming content. By being happy with who this woman is, I became content, I became satisfied with myself and my abilities, with my journey, my path and where I am in this present moment. So, if you see that I am confident, that is because I am content, and I think I only realise now confidence in contentment is what I was in search of.

It was never my aim to be intriguing, but I am aware that there are question marks hanging around my head like, who is she? why does she do what she does? Can I pick her brain? What will I learn from her? And the list goes on. I just see it if I am intriguing, it just means that there is more to my story, my persona, way more than meets the eye.

And why I have this intriguing aura around me, stems from the profoundness that is cradled within. So maybe sometimes I come across as being overpowering or overwhelming, even insightful and deep, all this is because I take all the experiences that has shaped me thus far and see what lessons it was trying to teach me, take that knowledge to heart and make it part of my truth, or wrong phrasing, it already is a part of me, from the moment I lived it.

Being selfish meant, that I had to be more selective, selective of what and who I give my energy to freely, selective of things I allow in my life, selective of what feels good to me, what feeds my soul, what nourishes me, selective of all that makes my light shine brighter and drives the darkness away.

Focussing on myself means that I had to start to reconnect to myself, I had to get to know myself again, what irritates me, what inspires me, what makes my heart race, what makes my tears flow. Having to tap into my emotions and feel every emotion fully, if I am sad I am deep down in the pits of sadness, if I am happy I am jumping on the moon happy. By feeling all my emotions, it gives me a chance to feel completely and experience what it must teach me.

By staying focussed on myself, I am not only progressing my career (which was the most important thing to me at that time), but I am more focussed on my growth as a person, as a woman. I am focussed on self-awareness, focussed on self-development, focussed on self- love, focussed on self- worth, focussed on turning vulnerabilities into strengths, focussed on being the best version of myself. Someone who speaks her truth and no longer allows society to dictate her behaviour, her passions, her journey.

 

So, as I look back at on that conversation, I have indeed been selfish, not in the way that I may have anticipated, but in a way that I am beyond grateful for. I may not be where I want to be yet, but I know I am well on my way. For now, I will remain present in this journey of self-exploration and selfishness, significant growth I have made thus far, and I am proud of myself. I figured big accolades would be what I wanted at this point, but self-gratification wins hands down and knowing just how far I have come…

And here is where I pat myself on the back and keep on pushing forward.

Leap Down The Rabbit Hole – Part 5 : Smoky Mirrors and Slowed Clocks

She always had this demeanour about her, which could be both her super power, but also her worst nightmare. As she took that leap down the rabbit hole, she figured that this journey was hers alone to walk and explore. In all fairness this was her journey, her path, but as the saying goes “no man is an island”, and the longer this journey continues, that sometimes feel as if it is never ending, she realises that well, she cannot do it on her own. She got so used to doing everything on her own, going at it alone, whether this was to prevent feelings of disappointment or resentment, this is how she chose to do things. But somewhere that voice always told her, “be calm little one, help is available, just let go and release and allow it to engulf you”. For her this was a foreign term, she got so accustomed to the high walls that she built around herself, whether she needed help or assistance this to her felt like a weakness.

 

But isn’t it through ones’ weaknesses that you find your strength? As she kept on walking and pushing forward the path soon seemed to be filled with smoky mirrors and slowed clocks. It seemed that whenever she found herself on a path of smooth sailing, smoky mirrors appeared. As she glanced in the mirrors, she gets faced with imagery filled with all the desires and hopes that she cradles within herself, she sees past all the fogginess that clouds the images (this could be since she is an optimist at heart, even though her journey had given her a fair share of bumps and bruises). As she looks towards the clocks it is as if all at once, the clocks either slowed down tremendously or came to one abrupt halt. And every time this happens, she just adds a few more bricks to her already protective barrier, she secludes herself, wallow within all that doesn’t seem to be going right and like that smoky mirrors and slowed clocks, she embodies it.

 

But what saves her every time, is that constant voice and companion that has been with her throughout this journey. She already is aware that this companion had a significant role to play in this journey and the path that she is undertaking. Whether it be unknowingly encouraging her to move forward, to be cautious for all the hidden dangers wrapped up as oases of abundance, or just allowing her to be vulnerable by just being herself without judgement or expectation. As she gets engulfed with all these smoky mirrors, that voice filters through the mirrors, slowly blowing away all that is hidden from plain sight. As this companion moves ahead of her, clearing the fog in front of her, to prevent her from making a mis-step, and in a sense trying to give her a smoother path and to see a clear way through the fogginess that seems all so glorious.

As this voice keeps encouraging her, she cannot help but being fixated on all the slowed clocks, because suddenly it is as if everything comes to one abrupt halt, no prospects of moving forward, no movement, just thoughts of time moving past her, and that she has no control over it, no matter how hard she pushes or pulls. And that voice speaks to her in such a compassionate manner, telling her to start planning and to gather her thoughts and ideas, and to slowly put them into motion. This voice tells her that wonderful things will happen as she continues this journey, but the same as the clocks that slowed down, she should do the same. She shouldn’t see this as failure or things that won’t come to pass, but just as sign to regroup, and when that clock starts moving again, to jump in and go all out.

It is when the clocks slow down, that she feels most vulnerable, and in combination with all the smoky mirrors, this is where she just wants to quit this journey and start retreating into her self-built wall of protection. But it is in this moment when that voice of companionship comes through stronger, affirming that she is indeed protected, and that help is at her disposal, and that it is up to her to accept it or not.

Sometimes she just wants to crawl back out of the hole that she once jumped down so freely. Surrounded by smoky mirrors and slowed clocks, vulnerable and tired. But through it all she knows that she is protected, that her back is covered. That, that companion that has been trailing alongside her, would always be there to blow away the smoke and will remain even when time is slowed or completely stopped. She finds that her weakness of being vulnerable will ultimately be her biggest strength, her real super power. And that voice of companionship, is set on her path, not just as protection, but for her to realise her full potential, be the best that she can be. That voice is a part of her, a part that she only met when the time was right, a crucial part to complete her and walk this path and journey along side her.

Lesson by cupcakes (self-talk)

 

“How dare you speak to yourself like that?!”, the little voice from within starts to scream in my head. “Do you remember how much you hated when other people talked to you like that, and how you promised that you won’t ever allow and tolerate that from anyone, so why would you think that it is okay to talk to yourself like that?!”.

The above is just a small snippet from what goes on in my head, or the conversations I have with myself on the regular.

 

Part of being awakened and becoming enlightened is that you become conscious of self-talk. Now this is how you talk to – yourself, talk to others about yourself, how you talk to others and how you talk to others about others. How you speak to yourself and about yourself is important, because what you think and speak in fact becomes reality. Positive self-talk becomes second nature, as affirmations becomes a part of thoughts, spoken word and conversations shared. This all doesn’t mean that negative thoughts and talks won’t slip through the cracks and make its way into your mind or come out of your mouth. Going through the journey that is awakening is learning how to become mindful of these thoughts, both positive and negative, it is about gaining the clarity to differentiate between these thought patterns. It is about having a positive thought or idea and then building on this thought with more positivity. It is about identifying a negative thought when it appears in the mind (as the journey goes on, the easier and quicker it becomes to identify and work on), identifying why and how you might be feeling and thinking the way that you do, and turning this negative thought pattern into a positive one.

I have in no why mastered this yet, but daily I am becoming more mindful and aware, and I must say, when a negative thought or pattern starts to take control of my mind, it is almost as if I get a smack at the back of my head that tells me to pay attention and change this. So, the timeframe it takes to become conscious of my thought patterns has increased and becomes quicker by the day. And for me this is a win on its own and shows me my growth thus far.

 

I am extremely hard on myself, to the extend where I am awfully harsh towards myself, and when I say harsh, I am even embarrassed to make half of the things known that has slipped from my thoughts intended towards myself. About two weeks ago; I baked cupcakes (I love doing this), and for the first time, well it was a flop. In that moment, I almost swore to never touch anything that has to with baking again. I was so hard on myself, telling myself how this baking thing isn’t for me, how it was possible that I could mess something up that I can practically do in my sleep, how this is just something that isn’t for me, I almost took that new mixer back to the shop, seeing that it is still under warranty (shrugs). But I soon came to realise that hey, this is all part of it. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and do the perfect things, that when I fail to do so, I tarnish myself. So yes, my cupcakes were a flop, but that doesn’t mean that I am not good at baking overall. It just means that I did something wrong (I just added too little baking powder), it just means that in every error there is space to learn and build from it. It just shows that I have become so accustomed to ‘perfection’, that when it didn’t come out the way it was supposed to, I almost lost my shit (this applies to other aspects of my life as well). And doing something wrong, or failing at something, just proves that there is space to look back and reflect, identify why, where and how it went wrong and well, just start over and keep at it, with all the new insights acquired and just keep a positive mindset as you go along.

 

So, this a lesson that I have learned in the first two weeks of 2018. Something that I have always been aware of, but it basically took a failed batch of cupcakes to zap me in the ass, and get my mind and thoughts back to where and what I am supposed to be aware of at this time.

This is a journey that I’m navigating, and this is just my experience, but I know that when I can learn a lesson from something as simple as cupcakes, that I am more aware than I could have thought. Becoming more aware of myself, my thoughts, ideas, and overall of what is needed from myself to make my soul glow and prosper. So, thank you cupcakes, for showing me that just by adding a little more baking powder is how I will rise into my own and become a better me.