This one conversation keeps popping up in my head. It was about two years ago, I remember being so completely honest and confident in what I had to say. “The next few years I want to focus on myself, I want to do what makes me happy, I want to explore all possibilities that life has to offer me, I am going to be selfish, I want to shift my attention towards my goals, dreams, my career prospects and aspirations. And of course I want to find love and have someone to share my life with and all this will come at the right time when it is supposed too; and if I do meet that someone along my journey, he will know where my head is at, and if he wants to continue on this journey with me, helping me grow into the best version of myself, that would be wonderfully amazing, but if he doesn’t get the concept of where my head and heart is at, well feel free to leave”.
When I spoke these words, I think at that point my focus was mostly based on my career prospects and living out my passions that burned deep inside of my soul. What I didn’t know was by speaking those words into the Universe, I opened a part of myself that needed to be paid attention too. Yes, I had this concept of who I am, who I want to be and aspired too, I basically had the big picture in my mind, but not the how…all I knew was, that I had to focus on myself, selfishly. It is rather funny as I look back on that conversation and realise just how much growth I have experienced, it may not seem significant to some, but to me, it is life changing.
I was so focussed on progressing and becoming the me that I know I can be, but somehow facing blockages, as if the progress was stagnant. Little did I know that being selfish and focussing on myself, meant delving into every little part of my brain, corners of my heart and fragments of my soul.
Selfishly focussed on myself started to mean the following (and I think I’m realising this, as I am typing right now):
Speaking my truth, not only speaking of selected experiences that has shaped me throughout my adult life thus far (which often I wanted to just be the good) but speaking all of it. Taking the road of exploration deep within, as far back as my childhood. Fixing wounds that was metaphorically swept under the rug, reliving experiences, finding out how it impacted me and how it still impacts me to this day…trust me, the ripple effect has a lasting effect, whether you want to admit it or not.
Being grateful, not just for all that I have and all that will still flourish in my life, but for every experience and person that has ever crossed my path, whether it was smooth sailing or road blocks, white flags or even those dreaded red ones. In each experience a feeling of gratitude rises, whether a good or bad situation, in the end it shapes you.
Being confident flowed into becoming content. By being happy with who this woman is, I became content, I became satisfied with myself and my abilities, with my journey, my path and where I am in this present moment. So, if you see that I am confident, that is because I am content, and I think I only realise now confidence in contentment is what I was in search of.
It was never my aim to be intriguing, but I am aware that there are question marks hanging around my head like, who is she? why does she do what she does? Can I pick her brain? What will I learn from her? And the list goes on. I just see it if I am intriguing, it just means that there is more to my story, my persona, way more than meets the eye.
And why I have this intriguing aura around me, stems from the profoundness that is cradled within. So maybe sometimes I come across as being overpowering or overwhelming, even insightful and deep, all this is because I take all the experiences that has shaped me thus far and see what lessons it was trying to teach me, take that knowledge to heart and make it part of my truth, or wrong phrasing, it already is a part of me, from the moment I lived it.
Being selfish meant, that I had to be more selective, selective of what and who I give my energy to freely, selective of things I allow in my life, selective of what feels good to me, what feeds my soul, what nourishes me, selective of all that makes my light shine brighter and drives the darkness away.
Focussing on myself means that I had to start to reconnect to myself, I had to get to know myself again, what irritates me, what inspires me, what makes my heart race, what makes my tears flow. Having to tap into my emotions and feel every emotion fully, if I am sad I am deep down in the pits of sadness, if I am happy I am jumping on the moon happy. By feeling all my emotions, it gives me a chance to feel completely and experience what it must teach me.
By staying focussed on myself, I am not only progressing my career (which was the most important thing to me at that time), but I am more focussed on my growth as a person, as a woman. I am focussed on self-awareness, focussed on self-development, focussed on self- love, focussed on self- worth, focussed on turning vulnerabilities into strengths, focussed on being the best version of myself. Someone who speaks her truth and no longer allows society to dictate her behaviour, her passions, her journey.
So, as I look back at on that conversation, I have indeed been selfish, not in the way that I may have anticipated, but in a way that I am beyond grateful for. I may not be where I want to be yet, but I know I am well on my way. For now, I will remain present in this journey of self-exploration and selfishness, significant growth I have made thus far, and I am proud of myself. I figured big accolades would be what I wanted at this point, but self-gratification wins hands down and knowing just how far I have come…
And here is where I pat myself on the back and keep on pushing forward.
johyphendene 