Selfish to Self-exploration

This one conversation keeps popping up in my head. It was about two years ago, I remember being so completely honest and confident in what I had to say. “The next few years I want to focus on myself, I want to do what makes me happy, I want to explore all possibilities that life has to offer me, I am going to be selfish, I want to shift my attention towards my goals, dreams, my career prospects and aspirations. And of course I want to find love and have someone to share my life with and all this will come at the right time when it is supposed too; and if I do meet that someone along my journey, he will know where my head is at, and if he wants to continue on this journey with me, helping me grow into the best version of myself, that would be wonderfully amazing, but if he doesn’t get the concept of where my head and heart is at, well feel free to leave”.

 

When I spoke these words, I think at that point my focus was mostly based on my career prospects and living out my passions that burned deep inside of my soul. What I didn’t know was by speaking those words into the Universe, I opened a part of myself that needed to be paid attention too. Yes, I had this concept of who I am, who I want to be and aspired too, I basically had the big picture in my mind, but not the how…all I knew was, that I had to focus on myself, selfishly. It is rather funny as I look back on that conversation and realise just how much growth I have experienced, it may not seem significant to some, but to me, it is life changing.

I was so focussed on progressing and becoming the me that I know I can be, but somehow facing blockages, as if the progress was stagnant. Little did I know that being selfish and focussing on myself, meant delving into every little part of my brain, corners of my heart and fragments of my soul.

Selfishly focussed on myself started to mean the following (and I think I’m realising this, as I am typing right now):

Speaking my truth, not only speaking of selected experiences that has shaped me throughout my adult life thus far (which often I wanted to just be the good) but speaking all of it. Taking the road of exploration deep within, as far back as my childhood. Fixing wounds that was metaphorically swept under the rug, reliving experiences, finding out how it impacted me and how it still impacts me to this day…trust me, the ripple effect has a lasting effect, whether you want to admit it or not.

Being grateful, not just for all that I have and all that will still flourish in my life, but for every experience and person that has ever crossed my path, whether it was smooth sailing or road blocks, white flags or even those dreaded red ones. In each experience a feeling of gratitude rises, whether a good or bad situation, in the end it shapes you.

Being confident flowed into becoming content. By being happy with who this woman is, I became content, I became satisfied with myself and my abilities, with my journey, my path and where I am in this present moment. So, if you see that I am confident, that is because I am content, and I think I only realise now confidence in contentment is what I was in search of.

It was never my aim to be intriguing, but I am aware that there are question marks hanging around my head like, who is she? why does she do what she does? Can I pick her brain? What will I learn from her? And the list goes on. I just see it if I am intriguing, it just means that there is more to my story, my persona, way more than meets the eye.

And why I have this intriguing aura around me, stems from the profoundness that is cradled within. So maybe sometimes I come across as being overpowering or overwhelming, even insightful and deep, all this is because I take all the experiences that has shaped me thus far and see what lessons it was trying to teach me, take that knowledge to heart and make it part of my truth, or wrong phrasing, it already is a part of me, from the moment I lived it.

Being selfish meant, that I had to be more selective, selective of what and who I give my energy to freely, selective of things I allow in my life, selective of what feels good to me, what feeds my soul, what nourishes me, selective of all that makes my light shine brighter and drives the darkness away.

Focussing on myself means that I had to start to reconnect to myself, I had to get to know myself again, what irritates me, what inspires me, what makes my heart race, what makes my tears flow. Having to tap into my emotions and feel every emotion fully, if I am sad I am deep down in the pits of sadness, if I am happy I am jumping on the moon happy. By feeling all my emotions, it gives me a chance to feel completely and experience what it must teach me.

By staying focussed on myself, I am not only progressing my career (which was the most important thing to me at that time), but I am more focussed on my growth as a person, as a woman. I am focussed on self-awareness, focussed on self-development, focussed on self- love, focussed on self- worth, focussed on turning vulnerabilities into strengths, focussed on being the best version of myself. Someone who speaks her truth and no longer allows society to dictate her behaviour, her passions, her journey.

 

So, as I look back at on that conversation, I have indeed been selfish, not in the way that I may have anticipated, but in a way that I am beyond grateful for. I may not be where I want to be yet, but I know I am well on my way. For now, I will remain present in this journey of self-exploration and selfishness, significant growth I have made thus far, and I am proud of myself. I figured big accolades would be what I wanted at this point, but self-gratification wins hands down and knowing just how far I have come…

And here is where I pat myself on the back and keep on pushing forward.

Leap down the Rabbit Hole- Part 2

 

As she wandered down the path, still high on all that has happened, she gets lost in herself, and she gets lost in her mind, trying to make sense of it all. She didn’t know what she had expected as she was falling down the rabbit hole, but whatever she might have expected was not even remotely close to what she was busy experiencing. As she gazes up at the sky and down at the ground, it is as if the sky is the brightest shade of blue that she has ever seen, as if the clouds were puffs of candyfloss floating in a beautiful piece of art, the grass tickled her feet and made her giggle like she hasn’t giggled in the longest time and as she kept walking every step her giggles turned into laughs, the laughs that came from within her soul and heart, turning into a song of happiness.

 

What she didn’t realise is, that time wasn’t a concept in the wonderland that she finds herself in. first, time seems to go by so quickly and then all of a sudden it just slows down, it slows downs as if everything is put into slow motion. She is usually so used to wanting things to happen fast and the way that she wants it to happen, this wonderland forces her to be present, it asks of her to feel, experience and embrace all the different types of thoughts and emotions that engulfs her as she steps-steps her way through this new place. She regularly finds herself lost in her own mind, lost in thought, lost in scenario’s that she creates, trying to figure things out, trying to be in control. And here she is learning patience, as the candyfloss clouds floats by effortlessly, as the grass pricks her feet and the sound of the wondrous surroundings just flows through every part of her being, like the veins through her body. For a minute when time seemed to pass ever so slowly, she just wanted to tap her heels together and wanted to go home, and she realised that she wasn’t Dorothy and the only way out is through. Here she becomes present, here she is starting to learn patience, here she is just being, being without knowing how or why, here she lost in a wonderland of new, weird and wonderful things and yet this is where she feels most at home, this is where she feels herself.

 

As she gets lost in thought being mesmerized by all the wonder that surrounds her, she loses track of time, she remembers the eyes that met hers when she first landed on the grass while coming to her senses, the eyes that she somehow got lost in, the eyes that glistened with a familiarity that she knew was one of the reasons she found herself in this land of wonder. It is funny, because somehow months had gone past and she found herself finding and exploring new avenues within this new experience, but it didn’t even feel all that long. Was it because she wasn’t living in her head anymore, was it because she was present in everything that she was going through, was it that for the first time she decided to just let go, to trust, to have faith, like when she took that leap down the hole.

 

She somehow found that she had a new sense of adventure within her, she found that she was more courageous than she has ever been before, she found that she was more confident, she found that she had this immense craving to try and want to do different things that scared her, things that has failed in the past, things that she would make her grow mentally, spiritually and physically. She had this new found allure to her, she always had it, but it is only know that it seemed to bloom, like a butterfly finally emerging from its cocoon. As she became more aware of her surroundings that is when she started to blossom, almost as if her embracing her surroundings, seemed to transcend and elevate the vibes and energy that she was embodying and sending out.

 

As the path before her seems long and strenuous, especially because she isn’t aware of what is around the bend or even further down the path, because there is no roadmaps, no road signs; the only signs and way of navigation she has, is the stars that light up the night sky like a bunch of fireflies against a dark canvas, the butterflies leading her to the most beautiful flowers, the little pieces of cakes with the words eat me and the bottles saying drink me, and this was all the signs she needed, because she was present. She listened to the voice of the wind, to the chirp of the birds, she listened to her heart, to her soul, as she followed the path, step by step.

She is in a whole new world, a world that she has dreamed off, a world where magic is at her fingertips, a world where those eyes that she gazed into is her compass, her guide, her true north, a world where endless possibilities awaits her, a world where she is a familiar stranger; this is her hole after all, the hole she leapt down.

Do You

 

Have you ever done something for yourself? You know the kind of thing where your only concern is what you think and how it affects you (most probably, okay always a positive). How many times have you done things not because you actually want or desire too, but because you do it for the benefit of someone else; for someone else’s advantage, for their acceptance, to please them, because you think you do what is expected of you. So when are you going to start doing something for yourself? You know, for your benefit, for your acceptance, something you can proudly pat yourself on the back for, because you did it for yourself, for nobody else and it makes you ecstatically happy when you do so.

 

I actually like the saying “Do you Boo-Boo, Do you”, you know why? Because the moment you start to do you, doing what makes you happy, you instantaneously become a happier better version of yourself. The moment you start pleasing yourself and your desires, everything else literally just falls into place. When you do things that makes you happy, it starts to show in your life, you radiate happiness, joy and peace, because you fulfil your needs and wants, you make your heart happy, you do what is right for your body, mind and soul.

This is where self-acceptance comes into play, you want to know why? So many times we want the acceptance and acknowledgement from those around us, that we not only forget and lose ourselves in the process, but we are so fixated on the opinions and approval of others that we will do whatever it takes to get accepted. This is where you do things to please others, like going to the gym because someone said they will like you more if you lost weight or joining some or other social group because everyone is doing it and you know that you hate every waking moment of it (But u know u want to be part of the “cool kids”).

So when do you decide to do things for yourself? And why do you decide that in the first place? Well as soon as you realise that the only approval you need is that from within and of yourself, well then you start doing it. I remember Khloe Kardashian once said, that the moment she started her healthy lifestyle change journey, there were people who said they didn’t like the new her and she looked better when she was a bit bigger; she just said she realised that she was doing this for herself and if she wasn’t happy and confident in who she was, all the opinions and comments would have made her doubt what she is doing and would make her do things to please others. How beautiful and profound is this though? When you start doing things because it makes you feel good, because it is what moves you, what thrills you and just resonates with the vibrations of your soul, this is self-acceptance.

 

It is so difficult to motivate yourself when you have to do things you don’t necessarily want too and especially when you do it for the benefit of others; but the moment you do things for yourself you know it makes your heart smile and your mind glow, and finding ways to motivate yourself becomes second nature, it becomes so natural like breathing. When you realise that you need the acceptance of yourself and do what makes you happy, those whose opinions and acceptance you once thought was such a vital and crucial part of who you are, just fades. When you Do you, you attract those who accept you for who you are and loves every part of who you are, especially because you radiate self-acceptance, self-love and you are more than comfortable with who and what you are, because after all, you are Doing you Boo-Boo.

happiness of self

 

Have you ever done something just because you wanted to do it for yourself? No pressure, no outside influence, no person to impress but yourself. Have you ever just felt that the only person that you need to impress at the end of the day is yourself? Obviously there is a vast amount of pressure when you want to do some or other thing for yourself and this pressure doesn’t necessarily come from within, but mostly from outside, external influences.

 

I am an extremely sensitive person, you won’t ever say that when you see my badass exterior, but hey didn’t you know that looks can ultimately be deceiving. The past few years or let’s say for the past two years I made a decision to start doing things for myself. When I say doing things for myself; I mean that every decision I make is based on how it will make me feel, what the best will be for me and no longer to impress anyone screaming comments from the side-lines or voicing opinions that in the past made me doubt myself and my abilities. So many times we do things to impress or for the benefit of others, there is nothing wrong to do things to benefit others, but the moment you start doing so and no longer have a clear vision of who and what you are, as you lost yourself in the process.

 

I started writing for myself, actually I started writing to make sense of who and what Jo-dene is, who she was and who she is supposed to be. With every letter and word I write it is actually me talking to myself, about myself; what is going on in my head, heart and body and me just trying to make sense of what is happening in the present, why things happened in the past and to have a positive outlook for the future. I write to make sense of my truths, of what makes me happy, what makes me sad, I write because it makes me feel whole. So as I started my journey as a writer I sometimes wrote for other people, I started to write for the ‘Likes’, ‘Comments’ and ‘Followers’, as soon as I started doing that, I started to suffer from major writers block, I started to doubt if what I laid down on paper was good enough, if it would attract the attention that I was seeking and wanted. As I wrote for the external opinions, I started to lose the thing that made me whole. There is nothing as wonderful as people complimenting you on a well written piece, there is nothing as exciting as getting positive feedback and people wanting more, but there is nothing as disappointing  when the compliments start to dry up and the positive feedback just completely stops. But then you start to think, why you are doing this in the first place; are you doing it to get recognition from you’re your peers (and yes obviously getting recognition is absolutely amazing), are you doing it to be loved and adored, or do you do it because it literally is the only thing that makes sense no matter which way you twist and turn it and because it is the part that makes you whole.

 

As thrilling and amazing as the positive opinions and comments of others are, the actual opinion and comment that actually matter is that of your own. No matter how many times you want to do things to impress others at the end of the day, you have to be impressed with yourself and how it makes you feel. Whenever I finish writing a piece, I get this rush of adrenaline shooting through my body, an attack of butterflies in my stomach, goose bumps creeping on my skin and an uncontrollable smile radiating from a place of happiness from within. It is only when I write for myself, when I reveal truths so deeply hidden, thoughts so mingled up, fears that I want to overcome, desires that I yearn for and dreams that I am slowly attaining, it is only then when it feels right. There is just something amazing about approving oneself, about loving oneself, one’s artistry, something wonderful about doing what makes you so tremendously happy, that if it sits well in your heart and soul, then that is the only approval that you need, want and seek.

The moment you start doing things for yourself, things that makes your heart pound out of your chest as adrenaline pumps through your veins as happiness pours over every inch of your body, that is when you know you are doing the right thing, that you are on the right path. Yes accolades and recognition would be wonderful, but the same positive opinions of others can turn to negative ones tomorrow. So give yourself a round of applause, give yourself a high 5 and get high on the happy feeling that fills you up every time you do something for yourself, that makes your soul light up, your heart smile and your body and mind radiate the self-approval, self-love, self-confidence, self-acceptance and happiness of self that comes from within.

just an opinion

The thing is people will always have some or other thing to say about you, whether it is good or bad, based on the truth or an elaborate story conceived through assumptions. How do you deal with individuals who always have something to say about you, your style, career choice, love interest, what you do and what you don’t do? There is a saying that goes that if people stop talking about you, that is when you should be worried, meaning that as long as your name flows freely from their lips that you are still relevant and probably someone they somewhat hate and secretly aspire to be like in some or other aspect.

We sometimes, well a lot of the time care way too much about others opinions of who and what we are. Opinions is just that, feelings, views, ideas, thoughts and attitudes that others have of us. So everyone has their own opinion, that doesn’t make it true or significant until you as an individual allow it to have an impact one your life and how you choose to live life on a daily basis. If someone doesn’t like the shoes, dress or coat you are wearing, will you change it? if you do, it means that their opinion matters so much that you are willing to change and compromise who you are to fit their view of you. So whenever you hear smack talk you’ll find varies ways to stop it, by changing things that are critiqued and talked about, by speaking up and explaining yourself. This isn’t how it is supposed to be, whether people question your choice of hairstyles, partner you date, even food that you choose to eat, that should be their opinion and their opinion shouldn’t even disturb you, because if their opinion mattered wouldn’t they be a part of your inner circle?

Too much time and attention is given on how others perceives us, how they think we should act and feel in certain events is mostly based on how they would approach and handle the situation, the same with opinions on styles of clothes you wear, the job you decide to do, the boy or girlfriend you choose to date or break-up with, the way you speak and carry yourself, if you are to confident then you are arrogant, if you are introverted then you are a prude, you just cannot win. If you try to amuse and charm the people or as they are nowadays referred to “haters”, you will always come in second place, as soon as you do everything, changing things about yourself, they’ll just find fault in something else.

You have to be comfortable with being you, being content with the person that you are and that is the first step to not caring what others opinions of you entail. The person you have to answer to is yourself and your maker. If you are happy with who you are, others views and opinions will remain just that, because no matter how much they talk about you, question your choices, the only thing that matters is the truth; the truths about who you are, what you are and that will be clear to those who call themselves your trustees, your inner circle, the people you don’t need to explain yourself to. As the saying goes, those who matter don’t mind and those who mind doesn’t matter and that is so true. The moment you start being true to yourself that is the moment that you don’t need any validation from any outside sources, that’s the moment where people may talk so much nonsense and irrelevant things about you, that you just shake it off (also listen to Taylor Swifts “Shake it off”), because what they think and say about you doesn’t have any influence on who you are, it rather says a lot about their character.

People will always talk behind your back, but it is how you react to it, they will feel sorry for you based on assumptions, they will dislike you just because it is you and they will find fault in any possible thing that they most probably can. If you are comfortable in your own skin, happy with decisions you make, like yourself because you are supposed to know yourself best after all, that is all that matters, your true inner strength and beauty will automatically sparkle through and that confidence and comfort is what makes others uncomfortable and seeking for error in you. Light attracts light, and scares away the dark, so the best revenge is to be comfortably yourself and truly be so amazing that no negative opinion, view or attitude can touch you.

What others believe about you speaks about their character and not who you are, their opinion is just that an opinion.

confidently natural, naturally confident

I recently, well  9 months ago started wearing my natural hair. So for 9 months I haven’t resorted to any type of treatment to chemically straighten my hair, which leaves me with an afro, yes I have an afro now. It hasn’t been easy, there are just days where I want to dip my whole head into a pot of chemicals and get the straight sleek hair that I got used to for years. The decision to go natural was an impulsive one, the same with all my decisions when it comes to my hair, but this came on after I was rocking a Mohawk for a few months and the fact that I wanted to look more like my brother (he has a fro) and also because I am on the journey of finding myself.

Going natural is a journey for me, a journey of finding myself, a journey of confidence, a journey of finding what works for me and also what doesn’t. Through the years I’ve had a lot of different hairstyles and colours, because well I like experimenting and changing your hair is literally as good as a holiday. So how does confidence even remotely play a role with something as simple as changing the style that you choose to wear your hair?

We get used to being ridiculed or judged by whatever is in fashion, in trend and what is the number 1 go too look at the moment. Sometimes our confidence fluctuates at the speed of changing trends, just as soon as you are accustomed to one trend, the season changes and a brand new hot trend greets you and suddenly your confidence falls because your style doesn’t seem good enough seeing that there is a new kid in town. But then we question style, isn’t it your style, your personal style, what you feel comfortable in, what makes you feel happy and ultimately makes you feel confidently yourself? Fashion changes but ultimately how does it impact your personal style, how does it affect your confidence? Does it want you to jump on every trend train that passes your station or do you take from the trend and style it to suit your taste and what you like. Finding a look that translates who you are; I see style as a look that speaks for you and reveals who you are, but it shows the confidence that you have because you are comfortable in whatever you wear.

In finding yourself you learn what works for you and what doesn’t, what makes you feel good and what just makes you feel horrible. Confidence you find when you know what makes you feel comfortable and happy, it happens when you are sure of yourself, walking tall with poise because you are content with who you are. Any hairstyle, outfit just drapes and showcases the confidence that already exists within you, how you feel about yourself and how content you are in your own skin.

India Arie has this wonderful song I am not my hair and I guess you start to really understand what message it entails when you start to be confident in your own skin. This message doesn’t just constitute or relates to the type of hair you have, the style you choose to wear it in, the clothes you wear or the trends you follow. This song is about being confidently yourself, it is about embracing who and what you are, loving yourself and carrying yourself with the poise and serenity that you are blissfully happy in the skin that is yours. So if you choose to go natural or rock styles of ages, if you do that with confidence that you discover when you are content with the face that looks back at you in the mirror, well then that is all you need.

Your style is the result of a confidently content being happy with who he/she is and that transcends into everyday life. So when you walk into a room and you are dripping in confidence that overflows when you just spark a smile or speak a word, no matter what you are wearing or what type of hairstyle you are rocking, if you wear it confidently, well then, the world is your oyster.