So many times we are so used to being in control, being in control of our emotions, how we react, what we should and shouldn’t feel, that the moment when we cannot control the situation it feels like things are spinning out of control (okay, not really spinning out of control), but not being able to be in full control kind of sends one into a frenzy. I always like to be in control, in control of how and what I feel, in control of what I do and do not do, in control of how I react and do not react, and as soon as it seems as if I am losing just a tiny bit of a grip on the control I have, well I guess being vulnerable has never been a strong suit. I actually think being vulnerable is why we so badly hold on to being in control, because being totally exposed and defenceless is enough to make anyone go crazy.
So what does being vulnerable actually mean? I can only speak for myself and what it means to me and how it applies to not most, but certain situations I might have been exposed to. Fear is actually one of those things that keep us from being vulnerable, it is actually the biggest reason, the fear of the unknown, the fear of what if, the fear of being open and exposed, having no control over how things unfold and not being able to predict what route things will take and how it will work out. So basically fear is the reason why I always want to be in control, because what will happen if just for a second I let go of those reigns that so tightly pull the heart strings together, the reigns that tug the overthinking mind together, the reigns that just keep everything together. Being so used to not only be in control, but being strong and putting on a façade and hiding all the vulnerable pieces behind a sturdy exterior only to be breaking down on the inside, filled with turmoil and what if’s and why not’s when you actually know, that maybe this is the one time that you shouldn’t be in control, that being vulnerable is the way to gain control, the right kind of control.
Being vulnerable means, being defenceless and unguarded, it means to let go and despite fear be open to that which we do not have control over; because losing or letting go of control can actually be the beginning of actually being in control (it might sound weird, but it actually makes sense). To be vulnerable doesn’t mean that you are weak, it actually means that you are strong enough to own up to what scares you, admitting how and why you feel a certain way, why you do not necessarily say the things that you want to say or why you actually do say the things that you do. Being vulnerable means that you overcome the fear that holds you back, that makes you question why you feel the way you, the fear that it just doesn’t make sense because I mean really now, how? Being vulnerable means that you take a chance despite every logical explanation your in control self gives you, it means to face the fear that scares you so badly it actually freaks you out. Being vulnerable means that no matter how things will go or end, that just once letting go and not being in control gives the space to overcome not only your fear of losing control but finding strength in being exposed, raw and honest.
Being vulnerable kind of reminds me of the relationship between Christian Grey and Anastacia Steele; this man who is so dominating, always getting his way, always being in control and then this woman enters his life and shit, there it goes. Bit by bit he gets exposed, becoming vulnerable despite his best efforts to be in control, but hey being vulnerable kind of looks hot on him (it is Christian everything looks Hot on him). That is also the song by The Weeknd- Earned it, which is the theme song for the movie, but there is a verse that personally to me describes the being in control and vulnerable situation.
“On that lonely night, we said it wouldn’t be love but we felt the rush, It made us believe it was only us (only us) , Convinced we were broken inside (shit), inside (shit)”
Being in control doesn’t necessarily mean that you are strong and actually in control, and being vulnerable doesn’t mean that you are weak and helpless. In overcoming the fear of being vulnerable is where we find our control.