control in vulnerability

 

So many times we are so used to being in control, being in control of our emotions, how we react, what we should and shouldn’t feel, that the moment when we cannot control the situation it feels like things are spinning out of control (okay, not really spinning out of control), but not being able to be in full control kind of sends one into a frenzy. I always like to be in control, in control of how and what I feel, in control of what I do and do not do, in control of how I react and do not react, and as soon as it seems as if I am losing just a tiny bit of a grip on the control I have, well I guess being vulnerable has never been a strong suit. I actually think being vulnerable is why we so badly hold on to being in control, because being totally exposed and defenceless is enough to make anyone go crazy.

 

So what does being vulnerable actually mean? I can only speak for myself and what it means to me and how it applies to not most, but certain situations I might have been exposed to. Fear is actually one of those things that keep us from being vulnerable, it is actually the biggest reason, the fear of the unknown, the fear of what if, the fear of being open and exposed, having no control over how things unfold and not being able to predict what route things will take and how it will work out. So basically fear is the reason why I always want to be in control, because what will happen if just for a second I let go of those reigns that so tightly pull the heart strings together, the reigns that tug the overthinking mind together, the reigns that just keep everything together. Being so used to not only be in control, but being strong and putting on a façade and hiding all the vulnerable pieces behind a sturdy exterior only to be breaking down on the inside, filled with turmoil and what if’s and why not’s when you actually know, that maybe this is the one time that you shouldn’t be in control, that being vulnerable is the way to gain control, the right kind of control.

 

Being vulnerable means, being defenceless and unguarded, it means to let go and despite fear be open to that which we do not have control over; because losing or letting go of control can actually be the beginning of actually being in control (it might sound weird, but it actually makes sense). To be vulnerable doesn’t mean that you are weak, it actually means that you are strong enough to own up to what scares you, admitting how and why you feel a certain way, why you do not necessarily say the things that you want to say or why you actually do say the things that you do. Being vulnerable means that you overcome the fear that holds you back, that makes you question why you feel the way you, the fear that it just doesn’t make sense because I mean really now, how? Being vulnerable means that you take a chance despite every logical explanation your in control self gives you, it means to face the fear that scares you so badly it actually freaks you out. Being vulnerable means that no matter how things will go or end, that just once letting go and not being in control gives the space to overcome not only your fear of losing control but finding strength in being exposed, raw and honest.

 

Being vulnerable kind of reminds me of the relationship between Christian Grey and Anastacia Steele; this man who is so dominating, always getting his way, always being in control and then this woman enters his life and shit, there it goes. Bit by bit he gets exposed, becoming vulnerable despite his best efforts to be in control, but hey being vulnerable kind of looks hot on him (it is Christian everything looks Hot on him). That is also the song by The Weeknd- Earned it, which is the theme song for the movie, but there is a verse that personally to me describes the being in control and vulnerable situation.

“On that lonely night, we said it wouldn’t be love but we felt the rush, It made us believe it was only us (only us) , Convinced we were broken inside (shit), inside (shit)”

Being in control doesn’t necessarily mean that you are strong and actually in control, and being vulnerable doesn’t mean that you are weak and helpless. In overcoming the fear of being vulnerable is where we find our control.

happiness of self

 

Have you ever done something just because you wanted to do it for yourself? No pressure, no outside influence, no person to impress but yourself. Have you ever just felt that the only person that you need to impress at the end of the day is yourself? Obviously there is a vast amount of pressure when you want to do some or other thing for yourself and this pressure doesn’t necessarily come from within, but mostly from outside, external influences.

 

I am an extremely sensitive person, you won’t ever say that when you see my badass exterior, but hey didn’t you know that looks can ultimately be deceiving. The past few years or let’s say for the past two years I made a decision to start doing things for myself. When I say doing things for myself; I mean that every decision I make is based on how it will make me feel, what the best will be for me and no longer to impress anyone screaming comments from the side-lines or voicing opinions that in the past made me doubt myself and my abilities. So many times we do things to impress or for the benefit of others, there is nothing wrong to do things to benefit others, but the moment you start doing so and no longer have a clear vision of who and what you are, as you lost yourself in the process.

 

I started writing for myself, actually I started writing to make sense of who and what Jo-dene is, who she was and who she is supposed to be. With every letter and word I write it is actually me talking to myself, about myself; what is going on in my head, heart and body and me just trying to make sense of what is happening in the present, why things happened in the past and to have a positive outlook for the future. I write to make sense of my truths, of what makes me happy, what makes me sad, I write because it makes me feel whole. So as I started my journey as a writer I sometimes wrote for other people, I started to write for the ‘Likes’, ‘Comments’ and ‘Followers’, as soon as I started doing that, I started to suffer from major writers block, I started to doubt if what I laid down on paper was good enough, if it would attract the attention that I was seeking and wanted. As I wrote for the external opinions, I started to lose the thing that made me whole. There is nothing as wonderful as people complimenting you on a well written piece, there is nothing as exciting as getting positive feedback and people wanting more, but there is nothing as disappointing  when the compliments start to dry up and the positive feedback just completely stops. But then you start to think, why you are doing this in the first place; are you doing it to get recognition from you’re your peers (and yes obviously getting recognition is absolutely amazing), are you doing it to be loved and adored, or do you do it because it literally is the only thing that makes sense no matter which way you twist and turn it and because it is the part that makes you whole.

 

As thrilling and amazing as the positive opinions and comments of others are, the actual opinion and comment that actually matter is that of your own. No matter how many times you want to do things to impress others at the end of the day, you have to be impressed with yourself and how it makes you feel. Whenever I finish writing a piece, I get this rush of adrenaline shooting through my body, an attack of butterflies in my stomach, goose bumps creeping on my skin and an uncontrollable smile radiating from a place of happiness from within. It is only when I write for myself, when I reveal truths so deeply hidden, thoughts so mingled up, fears that I want to overcome, desires that I yearn for and dreams that I am slowly attaining, it is only then when it feels right. There is just something amazing about approving oneself, about loving oneself, one’s artistry, something wonderful about doing what makes you so tremendously happy, that if it sits well in your heart and soul, then that is the only approval that you need, want and seek.

The moment you start doing things for yourself, things that makes your heart pound out of your chest as adrenaline pumps through your veins as happiness pours over every inch of your body, that is when you know you are doing the right thing, that you are on the right path. Yes accolades and recognition would be wonderful, but the same positive opinions of others can turn to negative ones tomorrow. So give yourself a round of applause, give yourself a high 5 and get high on the happy feeling that fills you up every time you do something for yourself, that makes your soul light up, your heart smile and your body and mind radiate the self-approval, self-love, self-confidence, self-acceptance and happiness of self that comes from within.

Explanation Declined…

Ever wondered why people are so “concerned” about what you are doing with your life? Are they really concerned? Do they really care? Are they looking for a topic of conversation to bring up the next time they have a get together? Is this a question to revel and boast about how well they are doing? Is this a way to subtly mock your choices, because you didn’t conform, to what is seen as “normal”? Is this a way to feel sorry for you because according to the “what-you-are-supposed-to-be-at-a-certain-age-and stage”, you seemed to have failed at (do note this is just an opinion of others and not a norm)?

A friend once said, “If you don’t Feed me, Finance me or Fuck me, I don’t see how my choices, actions or behaviour has anything to do with you, nevertheless, why should I be explaining myself to you”. Interesting isn’t it? the people who has the most to comment about one’s life, are those outside of the three F’s, who most of the time doesn’t even contribute a positive impact on your life (And no, pointing out your short comings and what you don’t have, yet, is negative energy and vibes that you do not require).

A lot of the time, people have requirements of others, because yes, others can sometimes see the potential we have that we cannot see ourselves. Other times, it is just plain competition even though it may not seem like it, but if you delve down into a subconscious level you will see it. There are a lot of times when you get judged by your peers because you aren’t on the same level as they are. Okay, so who created the level? Society, the media, ones perception of what is “supposed” to be the norm and what is expected? It seems that when you aren’t conforming to a norm, that you seem to be singled out as a failure, as failing at life, all because the “norm”, isn’t your “normal”.

We create our own Normal, we conform to our own beliefs, to what feels comfortable, to what makes us happy, to be what we want to be and who we desire to become, without conforming to what others want, perceive and figured what we are supposed to be like. The moment we explain the hows and whys, it means that we owe that person or people something. Why should the fact that we aren’t conforming to an idea of what is normal, be seen as wrong, as failing at life? Does life have a guide, does it come with instructions and solid outlines as to what should be acquired and required at certain checkpoints, (18, 21, 25, 30, 40, etc)? We get judged when we don’t live according to a certain standard, but who sets the standard? You?

If we surround ourselves and allow people to question the things that we do and why we do it and it impacts us in a negative way, we lose our power and start to question why we are doing what we are doing in the first place. There are however people who are genuinely concerned, people who want to revel in our positivity, people who want to help us and be excited for what we have achieved and what we are working towards. We decide if we want positive or negativity people and comments, to be the driving force behind what we do.

So whichever side of the 3 F’s you find yourself, if you cannot make a positive contribution then your comments, remarks and opinion are unwanted. Allow those in your life who do not care for an explanation and can clearly see that where you are is where you need to be and contributes positive energy and vibes to make you want to be the best version of yourself and not what they perceive to be “normal”.

they don’t…

Spring has sprung and as the new leaves start adorning trees, blossoms flowering so beautifully, rain bringing refreshment, as it is time for new beginnings and all so beautiful things. Just like spring brings refreshment, renewed energy and life it also brings with it Love and plenty of it. It brings love in all its forms, in all kinds of relationships, it sets the tone for already established and also new interactions and connections. Thing is when the blossoms blooms and bright green leaves appear and grow, so does the emotion fearlessly taking over and grows as beautiful as the season.

As the season changes, so do relationships and everywhere one looks, happy couples just seem to bud and flourish everywhere, like the wild flowers along the road. It is as if Love gets included in all the raindrops and as soon as it hits you, getting wet and basking in this feeling is all that is left. Thing is with new love, everyone else also always seem to have their own opinion in some or other way. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but as soon as these opinions start to dictate your life or decision, well then that opinion made an impact so deep that it becomes a truth. If you know what you know no one else’s opinion can even remotely sway you from any action that you have taken, any choice you have made, it just doesn’t have any effect. And when we see all the happy couples popping up, so does the unwanted, unneeded opinions of others. Yeah, it basically comes with the territory, whether you want it or not.

One of the most common opinions of people are, why him or her? This question rather seems to make one defensive because how dare someone who doesn’t even know the person ask questions like that, either they know something or it’s just an opinion that they have created. People can say whatever they want, ask why or how, but the fact remains that they have absolute no idea what makes you want to be with who you want to be and why it is why it is.

They don’t understand how it feels when he looks at you as if you are the most beautiful creation that he has the pleasure of having in front of him.

They don’t understand how it feels when he creeps up behind you and unexpectedly hugs you from behind and holds you so tightly as if he never wants to let go.

They don’t understand how it feels when he makes you laugh so hard that you stomach hurts, because he is just so funny.

They don’t understand the tingling feeling you get whenever you just hear his voice.

They don’t understand how crazy it feels to experience what feels like something magical.

They don’t understand how it feels when you wake up in the morning and realising that he has been watching you sleep for a while.

They don’t understand how it feels when you wake up and he tells you how beautiful you are, even with last night’s mascara making you look like a racoon.

They don’t understand how it feels when he looks at you so intensely and stating how happy he is to be yours.

They don’t understand the feeling of happiness that swims over you when you realise that you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, but with him.

They don’t understand the feeling that rushes through your body, electric, powerful whenever you just seem to touch.

They don’t understand the feeling that a gentle kiss on the forehead engraves within ones heart.

They don’t understand the feeling you get when you just look into his eyes, when all words seem to be lost, when the moment seems all so perfect and you just know what he is thinking, feeling and wanting.

So people will raise questions, why him and why her, they will most probably have a field day, raise their unwanted opinions, but they still wouldn’t understand, because it isn’t something that they feel or experience for themselves. So as spring brings new life, new beginnings, new love, and so happiness becomes a necessity, in all areas. Even if opinions are raised, that is all they are, because they or No one understands what is happening between hearts, except the hearts that feel it.

just an opinion

The thing is people will always have some or other thing to say about you, whether it is good or bad, based on the truth or an elaborate story conceived through assumptions. How do you deal with individuals who always have something to say about you, your style, career choice, love interest, what you do and what you don’t do? There is a saying that goes that if people stop talking about you, that is when you should be worried, meaning that as long as your name flows freely from their lips that you are still relevant and probably someone they somewhat hate and secretly aspire to be like in some or other aspect.

We sometimes, well a lot of the time care way too much about others opinions of who and what we are. Opinions is just that, feelings, views, ideas, thoughts and attitudes that others have of us. So everyone has their own opinion, that doesn’t make it true or significant until you as an individual allow it to have an impact one your life and how you choose to live life on a daily basis. If someone doesn’t like the shoes, dress or coat you are wearing, will you change it? if you do, it means that their opinion matters so much that you are willing to change and compromise who you are to fit their view of you. So whenever you hear smack talk you’ll find varies ways to stop it, by changing things that are critiqued and talked about, by speaking up and explaining yourself. This isn’t how it is supposed to be, whether people question your choice of hairstyles, partner you date, even food that you choose to eat, that should be their opinion and their opinion shouldn’t even disturb you, because if their opinion mattered wouldn’t they be a part of your inner circle?

Too much time and attention is given on how others perceives us, how they think we should act and feel in certain events is mostly based on how they would approach and handle the situation, the same with opinions on styles of clothes you wear, the job you decide to do, the boy or girlfriend you choose to date or break-up with, the way you speak and carry yourself, if you are to confident then you are arrogant, if you are introverted then you are a prude, you just cannot win. If you try to amuse and charm the people or as they are nowadays referred to “haters”, you will always come in second place, as soon as you do everything, changing things about yourself, they’ll just find fault in something else.

You have to be comfortable with being you, being content with the person that you are and that is the first step to not caring what others opinions of you entail. The person you have to answer to is yourself and your maker. If you are happy with who you are, others views and opinions will remain just that, because no matter how much they talk about you, question your choices, the only thing that matters is the truth; the truths about who you are, what you are and that will be clear to those who call themselves your trustees, your inner circle, the people you don’t need to explain yourself to. As the saying goes, those who matter don’t mind and those who mind doesn’t matter and that is so true. The moment you start being true to yourself that is the moment that you don’t need any validation from any outside sources, that’s the moment where people may talk so much nonsense and irrelevant things about you, that you just shake it off (also listen to Taylor Swifts “Shake it off”), because what they think and say about you doesn’t have any influence on who you are, it rather says a lot about their character.

People will always talk behind your back, but it is how you react to it, they will feel sorry for you based on assumptions, they will dislike you just because it is you and they will find fault in any possible thing that they most probably can. If you are comfortable in your own skin, happy with decisions you make, like yourself because you are supposed to know yourself best after all, that is all that matters, your true inner strength and beauty will automatically sparkle through and that confidence and comfort is what makes others uncomfortable and seeking for error in you. Light attracts light, and scares away the dark, so the best revenge is to be comfortably yourself and truly be so amazing that no negative opinion, view or attitude can touch you.

What others believe about you speaks about their character and not who you are, their opinion is just that an opinion.