daring to Begin

 

Dare to Begin…

Every year we have this tendency to compose a list; a list where we state what we want to improve on, in the new and upcoming year. This list is known as New Year’s Resolutions, according to the dictionary “Resolution” is defined as the firm decision to do or not do something. More often than not, we make a decision to actually do something and change habits and practices that no longer suits us, or make a decision to improve our lifestyles, whether it be physical, mental, and emotional. So what does this entail, it means that we want to become better versions of ourselves, by leaving behind old habits and adopting new ones. What we sometimes forget is that a resolution ultimately becomes a lifestyle change, it is something that has to be worked on and effort has to be put into it in order for it to be successful. The moment things start to become difficult and not as easy as we once anticipated, it is easy to just say goodbye to the resolutions and fall back into old ways.

 

Dare to Begin, is the only resolution/decision/ goal I set for myself. Why? Because at the end of the day in order for things to change in one’s life, doesn’t one just have to dare to begin, no matter how fearful and scary it may seem. Me writing now, is me daring to begin…typing letter after letter, hoping that it will make perfect sense, hoping that I will be able to convey the message that I have within me, beginning to overcome fear that withheld me from writing and carefully masked as being “writers block”.

 

So why am I daring to begin? Well two days ago I had a freak accident while getting out of the shower. As I got out of the shower and opened the sliding door, the glass shattered (thank heavens for shatterproof glass), it basically crumbled into a shit load of tiny pieces. Here I am standing naked and vulnerable, pieces of glass scattered all over the floor and I just saw blood, in a moment of clarity, I was looking around and all of a sudden a sense of calmness just came over me. I saw deep red blood spattered against the crisp white tiles and had to figure out where this blood came from and how to get out of the shower without hurting myself any further. I basically freaked out after all was done, but in that moment, I saw the blood oozing from my wrist (a piece of glass cut into my wrist, and the blood just flowed like water from a tap), and I somehow had to stop the bleeding and get out of there. It is funny, instead of freaking out, I remained calm, I grabbed a towel (my brother brought a few fresh towels coz I screamed for him to help and bring towels) and tried to stop the bleeding, I got out and then everything happened fast… I rinsed all the excess glass off and had to go to the Doctor coz I just figured I needed stitches… you know you always freak out after everything happens, and it freaked me out afterwards, I was scared for all that could have happened… the glass could have not been shatterproof and shards of sharp glass could have penetrated my body, I could have lost the feeling in my thumb and just 1cm closer a major artery could have been cut (it is my left hand)…and I walked away with a few scratches and 8 stitches, even though the bathroom looked like a crime scene and now I know that there is indeed a 1000 ways to die..  I am just grateful, I am immensely grateful.

What did I take from that experience? Sometimes we get into seriously scary situations and fear takes over and it stops us from wanting to do everyday things, like taking a shower. But we have to conquer and overcome that fear and just dare to begin and try again.

There will be petrifying moments, there will be terrifying thoughts and chilling experiences, but we have to look beyond the fear and keep going. Fear keeps us from doing, trying and experiencing all the bliss that is set out for us and as long as we keep focussed on that fear, we will never begin.

So for this 1 universal year, I am just daring to begin…daring to begin in spite of fear, choosing to be fearless and keep on going, daring to be the best version of myself, being brave enough to overcome challenges and to always remain grateful. We learn through challenges and encounters, but at the end of the day we just have to be brave enough to begin again and just push forward.

 

So resolutions, I don’t have that… I am just daring to begin… daring to begin and taking on new challenges, new things…there will be shattered glass trying to penetrate ones skin, how we choose to handle that and move forward, is what makes us a better version of ourselves.

Just Feel it…(All the Feels)

 

Sometimes I just wish I could figure it all out, that the Universe would just instantaneously bombard me with all of the answers, but then I remember the only way out is through. And in this instance no matter how crazy it might seems and no matter how many times I go over it in my head (I tend to overthink, a lot), I have to experience all the feels and be present in this moment. I want to run away, kick myself in the butt, but running away from what you feel doesn’t help one bit, so suppressing all of these emotions won’t help one bit. The thing is it is such a happy emotion and I am experiencing all the feels, and you know what, I am actually happy.

 

So this above quote is exactly how I feel, or just a tiny bit of what I feel and trying to explain it seems so difficult, because I don’t know how.

 

Have you ever experienced a smile so fierce? Have someone ever just smiled at you, so genuinely, so pure and the way they smile totally reflects in their eyes (If the eyes doesn’t smile with the mouth, something indeed is wrong). It is almost as if that smile awakens something so deep within you, a smile that breaks down boundaries, that you have yourself questioning “What the F is happening”. That smile ignites a spark that doesn’t slowly but rapidly spreads like a wildfire; it spreads through every inch of your body and you know where it starts, in your heart. You can feel every beat of your heart, as it steadily increases, with every beat that spark just steadily starts to catch fire. Now the thing about this fire is, is that it is unlike any other intensity that you have ever experienced before. This fire is starting a revolution making any other spark that you may have ever felt before seem so dismal and mediocre. This fire is like a wildfire that usually happens in nature, when it burns out all of a forest and in turn makes way for new growth, making way for the beauty to once again grow, growing from the ruins.

 

Like a wildfire this fire starting in your heart may seem devastating, as it kindles feelings and emotions that may have been dormant, feelings that you may have thought you would never experiences, feelings only destined for the characters in your favourite movie or book. As this fire spreads, it burns away all of the walls you have once built up, it burns away all of the weeds, all the fears, doubts that you so willingly protected yourself with. It feels as if this fire will cause more destruction than anything else, I mean it brings up emotions that you would rather not deal with, because not dealing with it and not feeling it, just feels better and seems easier (having suppressed these feelings for so long and covering with fear, was your safety net, that is about to be burnt to ashes). And guess what this fire so effortlessly burns away all of the fear, as excruciating as it may seem, the deliverance feels much more amazing, it feels freeing, and you wonder how it is possible that for so long you didn’t want to give way to these feelings.

 

This fire is the ending and the new beginning. This fire burns away all of the walls, emotions and feelings that you have protected yourself with for so long, because you were just so afraid of getting hurt and after a while you just stopped feeling. This fire ignites and gives way for all those emotions to come forth once again, by burning down all of the “protective” feelings and giving rise to the stagnant feelings. Just like a Phoenix rising from its ashes, these emotions are now free to resurface, unrestricted, unhindered, to flourish beyond the fear that was once the forefront of it all.

 

This fire destroys all the feelings that you used to protect yourself with, to give rise to all that you have been suppressing, hiding and didn’t want to feel. This fire gives birth to a heart, a heart open to love again, a heart filled with passion, a heart ready, without restrictions, a heart that rose from its own ashes, sparked by that simple beautiful smile, a heart prepared to embrace all the love that it is about to receive, all started and sparked by that smile.

baked- The Recipe

 

I was baking a cake the other day and I was reading the recipe over and over again, not because I didn’t understand it or that it didn’t make sense to me, I just had a bit of epiphany. Now you should know, I do bake a lot, I personally don’t have a sweet tooth (except for a certain time of the month), I just find baking so relaxing whether I am happy or sad, frustrated, angry, joyous, I guess I just find my zen when I’m pouring all my feelings into something so delicate and in a sense, I find myself.

 

I find it so interesting how one recipe can turn out in various different ways. I also watch a lot of cooking shows like The Great British Bake Off (the South African version as well) and Koekedoor (an Afrikaans baking competition). How many times have the different competitors been given the exact same recipe, the exact same ingredients, the exact same equipment and yet, no two end products will look exactly alike. Kind of weird and interesting at the same time, so this is kind of where I had my mini-epiphany (I have been getting a lot of those lately). I just realised that the recipe is kind of like a blue-print we have to life, or it is almost like a guide which we need to follow to reach our end goal, desire, destiny, whatever you choose to call it, but what we don’t always realise, is that in the end, it is exactly what it is, only a guideline. Take a simple recipe for instance, you can measure all the ingredients so accurately, you can follow the instructions bit by bit, word for word and yet in the end have your cake burnt, it can be raw, or look like it was hit by a train on steroids.

 

Thing is or what I realised is, that you can follow the recipe to the T, but that doesn’t mean that it would turn out the way you are expecting it too or like the picture in the book. We must put our own flair to the already existent recipe, like add a bit of flavour, a bit of sass and pizazz, it is about putting ones emotions into it, to really feel and be aware, and just because it looks like a fool proof recipe, doesn’t mean that it won’t flop. If I think about the scones and cakes that I have burnt, because I just wanted to keep it in a little longer and I ended up with burnt goods that tasted more like charcoal than what it is supposed to taste like. If I think of the cakes with “holes” in the middle, because I maybe over-mixed the batter or undermixed.

 

I guess it is trial and error, the guidelines is set for us to kind of have it easier, but it doesn’t mean that the guidelines are set in stone and that you cannot put your own personal flair on things. I guess in baking and the same in life, the moment we decide to be bold and unafraid of trying something new, adding that dash of cinnamon, or replacing the milk with cream, whether it be singing while whisking the eggs and sugar, or crying when you add that pinch of salt, it is about finding a balance that works for you, a balance that makes you feel good, a balance that makes your soul happy. Even if that cake flops for the 5^th or 10^th time it doesn’t mean it won’t ever look like the picture in the book; maybe it just means that it isn’t supposed to look like that picture, maybe you are supposed to create something new and different, maybe you are supposed to go outside of the guidelines and add and remove things as you go along, because in the end it is a part of you, your love, your emotions.

You can either stick to the recipe or create your own, because it is a guideline, but it needs your creativity and boldness to make the best product that it can be. So even if that recipe seems to suck, add your flavour and feel, and let’s see how that turns out.

control in vulnerability

 

So many times we are so used to being in control, being in control of our emotions, how we react, what we should and shouldn’t feel, that the moment when we cannot control the situation it feels like things are spinning out of control (okay, not really spinning out of control), but not being able to be in full control kind of sends one into a frenzy. I always like to be in control, in control of how and what I feel, in control of what I do and do not do, in control of how I react and do not react, and as soon as it seems as if I am losing just a tiny bit of a grip on the control I have, well I guess being vulnerable has never been a strong suit. I actually think being vulnerable is why we so badly hold on to being in control, because being totally exposed and defenceless is enough to make anyone go crazy.

 

So what does being vulnerable actually mean? I can only speak for myself and what it means to me and how it applies to not most, but certain situations I might have been exposed to. Fear is actually one of those things that keep us from being vulnerable, it is actually the biggest reason, the fear of the unknown, the fear of what if, the fear of being open and exposed, having no control over how things unfold and not being able to predict what route things will take and how it will work out. So basically fear is the reason why I always want to be in control, because what will happen if just for a second I let go of those reigns that so tightly pull the heart strings together, the reigns that tug the overthinking mind together, the reigns that just keep everything together. Being so used to not only be in control, but being strong and putting on a façade and hiding all the vulnerable pieces behind a sturdy exterior only to be breaking down on the inside, filled with turmoil and what if’s and why not’s when you actually know, that maybe this is the one time that you shouldn’t be in control, that being vulnerable is the way to gain control, the right kind of control.

 

Being vulnerable means, being defenceless and unguarded, it means to let go and despite fear be open to that which we do not have control over; because losing or letting go of control can actually be the beginning of actually being in control (it might sound weird, but it actually makes sense). To be vulnerable doesn’t mean that you are weak, it actually means that you are strong enough to own up to what scares you, admitting how and why you feel a certain way, why you do not necessarily say the things that you want to say or why you actually do say the things that you do. Being vulnerable means that you overcome the fear that holds you back, that makes you question why you feel the way you, the fear that it just doesn’t make sense because I mean really now, how? Being vulnerable means that you take a chance despite every logical explanation your in control self gives you, it means to face the fear that scares you so badly it actually freaks you out. Being vulnerable means that no matter how things will go or end, that just once letting go and not being in control gives the space to overcome not only your fear of losing control but finding strength in being exposed, raw and honest.

 

Being vulnerable kind of reminds me of the relationship between Christian Grey and Anastacia Steele; this man who is so dominating, always getting his way, always being in control and then this woman enters his life and shit, there it goes. Bit by bit he gets exposed, becoming vulnerable despite his best efforts to be in control, but hey being vulnerable kind of looks hot on him (it is Christian everything looks Hot on him). That is also the song by The Weeknd- Earned it, which is the theme song for the movie, but there is a verse that personally to me describes the being in control and vulnerable situation.

“On that lonely night, we said it wouldn’t be love but we felt the rush, It made us believe it was only us (only us) , Convinced we were broken inside (shit), inside (shit)”

Being in control doesn’t necessarily mean that you are strong and actually in control, and being vulnerable doesn’t mean that you are weak and helpless. In overcoming the fear of being vulnerable is where we find our control.

Spring- Lessons from Nature

I am sitting here with an extremely stuffy nose, every time I open up my mouth to speak I sound like Batman talking into a Fan. Okay, let me be honest, my voice kind of sounds sexy, one of the perks of Sinus-season. As soon as spring started, the blossoms started blooming and the birdies starting building new nests, my eyes started itching and swelling, my nose became an ornament because I breathe through my mouth and well I attained a new kind of sexy husky voice. I knew in a few weeks this sinusitis will clear up and that I will be fully be able to smell the roses without the aid of some sort of medication that I have to snort or swallow.

This is such a beautiful season, just yesterday I found such a beautiful intricate built little nest in laying on the grass in the garden. They (with all honesty, I still do not know who they are) say when birds aren’t happy with a nest that they have built, they kick it out and start building a new one. For a moment I was so astonished by how these small little animals can build something so beautiful, the detail, the workmanship and the effort put into it, is literally breath taking. I am still wondering how they gather all the material and construct it into a home where eggs will be laid, a safe-haven for their little ones. I was and still am totally flabbergasted by the construction of the nest, by the art, by the beauty that nature provides.

So many times we want what we want and if we don’t get it in the amount of time that we set out for ourselves, we feel frustrated, anxious, angry and basically like everything is falling apart and that it wasn’t meant for us. I have been struggling with this (it happens a lot), knowing what I want, but not getting it, or feeling like it is taking too long, I the get anxious, I start to overthink, overanalyse and then I just want to give up and start on a search for something new. But just because something didn’t work out in the timeframe I set out for myself doesn’t mean that it won’t happen. It is like a push and pull action, like pushing a door that actually says pull, no amount of pushing action will open the door, because the anxious fear filled overthinking overanalysing brain cannot comprehend how pushing doesn’t open the door, because all scenario’s has been worked out, but nothing works, until you step back because all this pushing is extremely tiring and one can just push so much, so hard and so long. When stepping back and saying screw all this pushing action, I’m going to walk away from this, then the light bulb moment happens, when you actually realise you are supposed to pull and not push. This all could have been prevented, but sometimes we are just so eager for things to happen and play out the way we want it to, we misread what is right in front of us, we allow our anxious fear filled overthinking overanalysing brain to jump ahead of ourselves before we even see what is right in front of us. And when we see pull, it’s like an epiphany, and seeing that all that worrying was for nothing.

While looking at the nest this is something I just started to think about, this bird is busy building a home to keep its little ones safe, but it is definitely not driven by fear and anxiety, if it was, that nest wouldn’t have been kicked out. The bird takes its time to build something that is not only safe and sturdy, but a home and wanting it to be perfect. Yes, maybe the bird wanted it to be done at a specific time, but even if it was done in the specified time, it wasn’t up to standard and the right thing, so the bird just starts again, no element (wind, rain, sunshine) will allow this animal to stop it from making and doing the best that it can most possibly do.

The same with how we feel. If it isn’t done or you didn’t get it in the time you expected too, doesn’t mean it won’t be perfected or that it won’t happen. It literally just requires a little more patience, a little more faith, a little more belief, giving up because it didn’t happen when you wanted it to happen doesn’t mean it won’t, it also doesn’t mean that you have to settle for what is presented or change direction. It just means that believing in yourself and your abilities and working towards what you know it can and will be, no matter how long it takes, like the nest it will be perfected.

So this stuffy nose won’t be stuffy all of the time, and the sexy husky voice will go back to normal, but then being able to enjoy the beauty and art what the season has to offer will be what happens. Enjoying living in the now.

2weeks into 2015

So it is two weeks into the New Year, Two weeks into New Resolutions, and two weeks into a New Mind set. What have you been up to since the start of the New Year, since the clock struck at midnight and it was the 1st of January 2015, what changes did you make in the past two weeks or routine have you started following, that makes you say 2015 I’m coming for you hard.

When a New Year starts, it is usually with so much enthusiasm, optimism and happy spirits, we claim the year, we announce our resolutions and dreams, all to be our better selves and reach the goals that we have. We make resolutions that we intend to keep, like waking up earlier, trying to eat healthily, etc. so 14 days in the New year, what have you done that you can build on for the rest of 2015? What have you changed in your daily routine that you will follow through on for the rest of the year?

Making resolutions isn’t about setting the bar so high that it is unreachable or unattainable, setting resolutions is about turning negative habits that you might have and turning it into positive habits. Setting resolutions is setting goals, goals that you wish to reach, goals that changes your way of life for the better, goals that turns your way of thinking around, goals that brings out the part of yourself that needs to grow, the part that you want to change, but the better part of you that you kept hidden. We all want to be a better part of ourselves, we want to be happier, successful, loved, and be the greatest that we most possibly can be. But everything begins with one step, the step that is a resolution or a goal set, that we start to work towards.

I ask myself the question every day, so what have I done today to take a step toward my goal “resolution”? Did I get up when I woke up before my alarm or did I decide to sleep for another five minutes. Did I procrastinate yet again, claiming that I didn’t have time to work on my dream, while I was looking for excuses just to delay working on it for a bit. Did I start to substitute the words “want to do it” with “I have to do it”. The moment we stop looking for excuses, in that moment we start to gravitate towards our goals “resolution”. It takes will power, it takes discipline, and it takes the urge to be better to drive us towards that goal. We tend to delay because our fears come into play, our fear of eventually failing at our goals, but we stand in our own way the moment we think about failure, before we even try, before we even take that first step.

So 14 days passed, 14 days that we got all excited about our goals and desires, 14 days that our goals fell flat on its face, 14 days that we realised just how bad we want or don’t want it, 14 days to reassess how we want to approach the goals and see it through and send fear of failure packing. 14 days where we just take a breath and start again, wake up early, start writing that first chapter of the book even if it seems difficult, start practising flipping that pancake till it’s perfect, start walking till the legs feel strong enough to jog, it all starts with the first step, changing the routine, getting out of the comfort zone and reaching for that “unattainable” goal.