Leap down the Rabbit HOLE – part3 (the promise)

 

She was still so fascinated by the clear blue sky and the fluffy clouds moving in a swift rhythm that she walked without looking down once. As the grass still tingled on the soles of her feet, she suddenly fell to the ground…she stumbled over a little bush and when she looked up a wonderful oasis awaited her.

What she was seeing was a little retreat, looking as if it was just created for her, well it was created for her, and even her name was written on the place card at the table. As she walked around the table, being in awe of what she was observing, from the happy juice to the treats and book of spells that was laid out, just for her. Just when was in a mesmerized daze as she took all this in, as her smile just got bigger and bigger, there he stood in front of her. Now she was truly wondering what this wonderland that she found herself was all about. She found herself mumbling utterances, at least in her head it made sense, but as soon as those words reached her mouth and tried to escape from her mouth, she just got all tongue-tied. It was as if his gaze just had her bewildered and all she wanted to say could be seen in her eyes and the gigantic smile that adorned her face. The utterances that spilled from her mouth and didn’t make sense at all was perfectly formed by his lips, everything she wanted to get out, he already knew; was this really magic? Has she really found herself in wonderland?

As they sat down surrounded by the beauty of the forest, the light breeze cooling her as she felt hotter than the sun’s rays on this warm day. Her sentences started to become fluent, it seemed the longer she looked into his eyes, a sense of calm just moves over her, okay it might be the happy juice as well. As she became more comfortable, she became herself in a way that even surprised her, but he wasn’t surprised, not in the least. She didn’t know if he cast a spell with that book of spells that laid on the table, but is serenity just pulled her in deeper and opening herself felt like the most natural thing in the world.

As he looked into her eyes, he told her or no he asked her if she would promise him one thing… obviously she was flabbergasted, because what on earth would he want her to promise; with great certainty she said Yes before knowing what she was promising too… he said, “please don’t ever change who you are”…

Okay, she already promised, but if she wasn’t staggered before, now she truly was.

She had to process this bit of newly found information, she was swimming around in her mind and wondering why he would ask her something like this. Maybe he had sipped too much on the happy juice, because what made her so special that he didn’t want her to change. The more she tried to look for answers, the more she couldn’t find a reason or why he would feel that specific way. But the more she thought about that phrase, the more sense it made, but clearly he saw something in her, something that she doesn’t necessarily see in herself, but something that captured him in a way that neither of them could have anticipated.

 

As she wondered what made her so special that he didn’t ever want her to change and she realised, what isn’t there that doesn’t make her special.

 

She finally understood that who she is now, she fought to become and that being in wonderland made her realise this.

She understood that her being comfortable in her own skin was something she worked hard on, with all the stereotypes and what beauty is supposed to look like; the moment she embraced all that made her unique her, from her hair, to her skin, her mind, her heart, that is when her beauty started blooming, because she was just truly and honestly herself and doing it for herself.

She recognized that her spirit reflects how and what she feels about herself and others; the way she spoke positivity into her own life, how she let go of any negative thoughts and emotions that tried to infiltrate her life, the way she owned the distinctive quirks that is true to her.

She acknowledges how her passion is reflected in her eyes, in her voice, in her smile, in her energy. The way butterflies slip into her stomach when she speak and does something that excites her to her core, whether it is talking about her dreams, chasing and reaching a goal or just get enthusiastic when the desire and magnitude of what makes her happy and which she is fanatical about, pours out of her like lava from a very active volcano.

She concedes that her being honest and vulnerable is not a weakness, but a strength, how candid she can be, as this is an extension of who she is, as she had to rip the masks and facades off, piece by piece, bit by bit, to be who she has become.

 

She admits that she loves fiercly, she wears her heart on her sleeve, she loves herself, who she once was, who she is now and who she is yet to become; love is what drives her, it is her language, the unspoken language that surrounds her and is reflected in her aura and energy that surrounds her.

 

She accepts that her weird sense of humour is what makes her funny and in most cases hilarious in her own right, that even when she mumbles and gets tongue-tied that what she tries to articulate still gets across; her words is just one way she communicates.

 

Being in Wonderland is making her comprehend all that she was, all that she has shed, from the negativity and self-doubt, to the insecurities and fear. Before she even leapt down that rabbit hole, she was already someone who would just blossom and flourish in this new environment, as she creates it as she moves along.

 

Like she promised him, she won’t ever change who she is, who she fought to become, who she is meant to be, because this is the version that she is supposed to be, and this is why he is so captivated by all that she is.

Leap Down the Rabbit Hole- Part 1

She found herself like Alice in Wonderland, somewhere, somehow she tumbled down that rabbit hole. How it all happened she cannot say, how she stumbled or decided to jump down that hole she also cannot say, but she knows for certain that she wasn’t pushed…she knew that down that hole a whole new world and experience was waiting for her…she was urged by her gut, to just take that leap of faith. Before she took that leap/jump, or whatever you want to call it, she wasn’t certain of anything, but one thing she knew for certain was, that down that hole, everything that she always wanted and desired was waiting on her.

 

She was in a place where she was living her day to day life, you know the monotonous, everyday routine stuff that she got so accustomed too, that just the idea of doing something out of the ordinary scared her senseless. Until that beautiful sunny day, that beautiful sunny day that she wanted to spend indoors, and until this day she believes that it was the universe that or castrated her fall down the rabbit hole. Maybe at that moment she wasn’t fully aware of what going down that rabbit hole entailed, but some sense of freedom, a feeling of content just washed over her and she knew that no matter what was to happen and also what wasn’t supposed to happen, that she would be okay with any outcome.

 

As she jumped down the hole, she was met by the Hatter (the modern kind, but still just as fabulously colorful as she has read all her life). The Hatter reassured her that all she had to do was be herself and the pathway would open up to her without obstacles, obviously she doubted this, but that butterflies in her stomach whispered to her that being herself is all that she had to be and that, that would be her compass to follow the crooked road without any obstacles. She knew from experience that being her true and genuine self, the self that she was comfortable with, was the only self that she wanted anyone to know. She knew that she didn’t need to pretend to be brave or even afraid, because her face and emotions she wore on her sleeve and by being just who she was, was more than enough. Okay so this all might sound extremely weird and freaky, but this a modern day type of fairy tale, nah it isn’t a fairy tale, it is true life after all. As she started walking down that path all she was certain off, was that in that moment she didn’t want to be anywhere else, she knew that this would be the start of things that she has only experienced in her dreams; things that her 13 old self secretly wrote down in the diary which said “Private-DO NOT READ, on the cover” and dated to perfection.

 

There wasn’t any obstacles that first day, or that is what she figured, but the obstacles came in subtle ways, ways where she had to make split second decisions, decisions that always bothered her, because for some reason she always had the ability to make the wrong one. But down this path when faced with making a decision she figured the puzzle out in an instant, she listened to her intuition, that made all the difference, she started listened to her gut, to that voice that she always avoided because she was scared that she couldn’t always control certain or all situations. This day she just went with it and knew that this path would lead her exactly where she wanted to be. To her it seemed absolutely crazy, but yet so right at the same time, upside down, inside out, topsy turvy, yet to her it made sense, clear as daylight basically.

 

As the day went on she never questioned the choice she made to jump down that rabbit hole, because it was as if everything just fell into place, the pieces of the puzzle just started to fit, as if it just miraculously just made sense, even though the whole picture wasn’t even close to completion. As the morning turned to night, her heart was content, she was happy and she couldn’t explain why, but maybe it had something to do with that heart that she lost years ago, the heart that she picked up piece by piece when it crumbled into a thousand pieces, the heart she slowly pasted together and wrapped in wire, the heart she kept hidden behind high walls.

 

All she knows is that as the day progressed, her smile got bigger with every step she took, her eyes sparkled like they haven’t done before, her heart started pounding in a way that she wasn’t familiar with, as the sun set, and she knew she wouldn’t ever be the same. It might have been the day, it might also have been that she saw a glimpse of what was to come, or the taste it left on her lips, the feel it left on her skin, the smile it left on her face, or even her heartbeat; but it was then when she knew she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, just in that moment with the stars floating like fireflies and the moon illuminating a spotlight on them, she knew.

She knew that this was her rabbit hole, she knew that this is her road to travel, she knew that this road would make her walls come crumbling down, brick by brick, but she knew when her eyes met his when she still came to her sense as she landed on the grass; she knew he is and would be the one who not only travels the road with her to completion, but she knew that this was only day one, the start of an adventure that she couldn’t have dreamt off. This was her new beginning.

Beauty Pageant Diaries

 

When one hears the phrase Beauty Pageant, what comes to mind? The first thought that usually pops up is, “am I pretty, beautiful enough”, the second thought is “will I have to parade around in swimwear and is my body up to par of what beauty is supposed to be”. But in actual fact when the phrase Beauty Pageant is heard, the first thought that one should have is, “Am I confident within myself to partake in such an event/competition”. But anyway a few weeks ago I heard that my beautiful town was going to have its own Beauty Pageant, yes, for the first time in 35years, Beaufort West got ready to dust off the crowns and sashes, presenting not only a pageant, but a pageant with a purpose.

 

I entered the pageant for fun, and when I say fun, I mean that the last time I was on a catwalk/runway was back in 2007 when I entered my high schools annual pageant. This was an experience I figured would definitely be one for my bucket list, you know, top things to do before you turn 30. I really didn’t know what to expect and I guess for the most part, it didn’t actually sink in that I would in reality partake in this competition, until the day of the event. Even as the preparations commenced, it wasn’t all so real as when that light hit my face when I stepped out behind the curtain as my name got called “number 2- Jo-dene Jansen”. That was the first moment when I realised that there was no turning back, that I had to smile like I haven’t smiled in a while, be gracious, elegant and everything else that you do when you are in a pageant.

 

So a week before the pageant, we had a meet and greet, or what we figured would only be a meet and greet. We gathered at the museum and got an educational tour, where we learned more about the rich history of our town, yes Beaufort West is more than just a pit stop between Cape Town and Johannesburg along the N1. There is a difference of knowing and actually being aware of the abundance that our town consists off. Delving into the history of how a farm turned into what was to become a flourishing town, in 1818, and how this town proudly have the oldest municipality in the country (nice history lesson there). So many times we get so caught up in what is lacking that we actually forget to look at the present and even the past that has so many amazing positive influences, experiences than what we are aware off. While learning about our wonderful down, we also took a trip down memory lane, visiting the exhibition of Chris Barnard (1^st heart transplant surgeon, yes he hails from Beaufort) and also his childhood home, where his ashes are buried in the front garden among the roses. All while this happened, the pageant experience was real, photographers capturing the candid moments that a group of about 25 ladies were experiencing. And still we had no clue what was about to happen.

 

Getting called in one by one, as a panel of judges wanted to have personal interactions with all of the contestants; and yes I was terrified, as confident and bubbly as I am, talking about myself when I don’t instigate it, is all kinds of scary. The question I totally dread was “so tell us about …. (insert your name)”, I responded that I felt this was a trick question, because I can talk about myself for hours, I could just say what I thought they wanted to hear, or I could just be me, the quirky, confident woman that I am. The “interview” went well and I made it to the Top 18, yippeeee I’d say, a step closer to that crown. I think what was most amazing about the Top 18, is that not everyone looked like a model that just stepped out of a magazine, there was a refreshing variety, tall, short, big, small, dark, light, and the top 18 was a diverse group.

The next week was preparation week, working with one of our local dance crews as they thought us how to shake, pop and drop, yes our opening dance had to be spectacular (and know not all of us have the grace of Fred Astaire). One of the challenging parts of the week wasn’t getting all the choreography correctly, but being in a room full of estragon is kind of challenging, different personalities, different voices, different opinions, so being confident has to be part of the criteria, standing your ground and voicing your concerns, opinions and input in a room full of strong women, wants to be done. In that week we learned how to work together as a team, if one of was out of sync in let’s say the dance moves, it would have influenced the whole moral of the group and how ones confidence feels. So the week taught us how to work together, how to be a team, how to be confident in ourselves and our differences, that our uniqueness binds us and doesn’t divide us.

 

Have you ever felt tensions so high amongst women, a dressing room can become too small, especially in a town where the average temperature soars to around 35 degrees Celsius on a normal day. Anyway, the only stressful thing was that it was extremely hot, the sharing and caring that took place between the ladies was really refreshing, just because we were competing for the same title, doesn’t mean that we had to be catty and bitchy toward each other. The way we shared the “home-made” handheld fans, hearing someone asking for some blusher, tissues or water, being able to share an experience with women and getting such a positive response is what made the pageant so wonderful. I mean we are all just trying to be the best versions of ourselves, so how can we be the best version if we cannot empower, inspire others without being negative and putting them down. This is one of the things that I personally take away from the pageant, to accept the differences that we once thought boxed us in different categories and allow the differences to bind and connect us, to strive for the same goal.

 

As we go through the motions, Top 18, Top 10 and Top 5, as the contenders get less, the butterflies’ increases. So the Top 5 got the same question, “what would you do to change the town, what would your influence be, what would you do to better life for others, how would you make your mark”, so this isn’t exactly  where you would answer World Peace, but this is the part where you can be so brutally honest about something that you are so absolutely passionate about, that you breathe, taste, smell, and see it, and that this would be your mission and purpose. In the Miss World pageant, the slogan is Beauty with a purpose and this is exactly the type of thing that our Towns pageant leaned towards. To not only be physically beautiful, but mentally, spiritually, that you exude inner beauty and confidence and that through that you want to make a positive change in your community, town and country. Remember the saying, “Be the change that you want to see”, this is the best thing about the pageant, looking for a lady or ladies to be a leader and change the lives of others through their visions and wanting to make a difference.

 

This was an experience that I would definitely not trade for anything in the world, yes I strutted that runway like I owned it, in swimwear, big thighs and all. I made connections with like-minded people who has dreams, visions and passion that coincides with mine and that is to better not only my life, but those around me, to create opportunities and see them through. This was an experience where you learn that beauty isn’t just skin deep, that beauty is your confidence combined with your passion, with love for what ignites your mind, body and spirit, and then to get the chance, the opportunity to make your project, your dream, your passion a reality, because you indeed are a beauty with a purpose. This is only the beginning of women uniting and making positive changes, and the Beauty Pageant was and is the platform for this. So as I smiled and waved as the event came to a close, I went home with a full heart, with so much to be grateful for, being blessed with funds to make my vision a reality and knowing that beauty isn’t skin deep.

 

 

Johyphendene

1^st runner up – Miss Beaufort West 2016

 

Spring- Lessons from Nature

I am sitting here with an extremely stuffy nose, every time I open up my mouth to speak I sound like Batman talking into a Fan. Okay, let me be honest, my voice kind of sounds sexy, one of the perks of Sinus-season. As soon as spring started, the blossoms started blooming and the birdies starting building new nests, my eyes started itching and swelling, my nose became an ornament because I breathe through my mouth and well I attained a new kind of sexy husky voice. I knew in a few weeks this sinusitis will clear up and that I will be fully be able to smell the roses without the aid of some sort of medication that I have to snort or swallow.

This is such a beautiful season, just yesterday I found such a beautiful intricate built little nest in laying on the grass in the garden. They (with all honesty, I still do not know who they are) say when birds aren’t happy with a nest that they have built, they kick it out and start building a new one. For a moment I was so astonished by how these small little animals can build something so beautiful, the detail, the workmanship and the effort put into it, is literally breath taking. I am still wondering how they gather all the material and construct it into a home where eggs will be laid, a safe-haven for their little ones. I was and still am totally flabbergasted by the construction of the nest, by the art, by the beauty that nature provides.

So many times we want what we want and if we don’t get it in the amount of time that we set out for ourselves, we feel frustrated, anxious, angry and basically like everything is falling apart and that it wasn’t meant for us. I have been struggling with this (it happens a lot), knowing what I want, but not getting it, or feeling like it is taking too long, I the get anxious, I start to overthink, overanalyse and then I just want to give up and start on a search for something new. But just because something didn’t work out in the timeframe I set out for myself doesn’t mean that it won’t happen. It is like a push and pull action, like pushing a door that actually says pull, no amount of pushing action will open the door, because the anxious fear filled overthinking overanalysing brain cannot comprehend how pushing doesn’t open the door, because all scenario’s has been worked out, but nothing works, until you step back because all this pushing is extremely tiring and one can just push so much, so hard and so long. When stepping back and saying screw all this pushing action, I’m going to walk away from this, then the light bulb moment happens, when you actually realise you are supposed to pull and not push. This all could have been prevented, but sometimes we are just so eager for things to happen and play out the way we want it to, we misread what is right in front of us, we allow our anxious fear filled overthinking overanalysing brain to jump ahead of ourselves before we even see what is right in front of us. And when we see pull, it’s like an epiphany, and seeing that all that worrying was for nothing.

While looking at the nest this is something I just started to think about, this bird is busy building a home to keep its little ones safe, but it is definitely not driven by fear and anxiety, if it was, that nest wouldn’t have been kicked out. The bird takes its time to build something that is not only safe and sturdy, but a home and wanting it to be perfect. Yes, maybe the bird wanted it to be done at a specific time, but even if it was done in the specified time, it wasn’t up to standard and the right thing, so the bird just starts again, no element (wind, rain, sunshine) will allow this animal to stop it from making and doing the best that it can most possibly do.

The same with how we feel. If it isn’t done or you didn’t get it in the time you expected too, doesn’t mean it won’t be perfected or that it won’t happen. It literally just requires a little more patience, a little more faith, a little more belief, giving up because it didn’t happen when you wanted it to happen doesn’t mean it won’t, it also doesn’t mean that you have to settle for what is presented or change direction. It just means that believing in yourself and your abilities and working towards what you know it can and will be, no matter how long it takes, like the nest it will be perfected.

So this stuffy nose won’t be stuffy all of the time, and the sexy husky voice will go back to normal, but then being able to enjoy the beauty and art what the season has to offer will be what happens. Enjoying living in the now.

taking my own advice

It is so easy to give everyone around you sound and useful advice, when they are going through a somewhat difficult time, need a pep talk, need their confidence boosted, when they lost a chance/opportunity. Why is it so difficult to follow your own advice, why is it so difficult to sometimes remain positive when negativity and rejection strikes from all angles?

So apparently dealing with it and trying to be your own positive voice is what needs to be done, basically, taking the same meds that you dish out to others. So recently I chased an opportunity, something that I have been dreaming of, something that I wanted, something I saw as a stepping stone to take me to amazing new heights, just the start of something wonderful. I gave myself the much-needed pep-talks, the inspiration, the quotes, jokes and everything that I would tell another person when I want them to be and do their absolute best and of course to make them believe in themselves. I was high on positive energy and vibes and I guess I wanted it so badly I tricked my mind into believing that anything I put my mind too I can do and achieve.

I remember dripping in positivity, but having a calmness over me, like having a gut feel that just say that I’ll be fine, whether I do well or not. Having conversations with myself (those where I look myself in the eye and have a total heart to heart, team talk almost) and just releasing everything to the universe. So I took my own advice, I remained calm and just did my utmost best, I mean, they do say all you have to do and give is your best, and that is what I did. I stated that whatever the outcome, it will be in my best interest, (what a way to take my own advice).

The outcome wasn’t what I had hoped for and weirdly enough I was okay with it, I just patted myself on the back and cheered myself for taking chances and putting myself out there. I was okay with things not working out the way I Hoped and anticipated it too, and I knew in that moment that bigger and better things awaits (well that’s what I usually tell others and because I really believe it). I really figured that I was okay and I knew and still know that a year or two down the line the same opportunity I missed or didn’t get, will be the same opportunity that I will turn down or have as one of many options, because what I have is wonderful and I believe this with my heart and soul.

So I kind of had a break down, almost a month afterwards, because it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t get what I wanted so badly, that I don’t feel good enough, talented enough, what I did wrong, that I want to change me, that I still have to put so much work in myself and I don’t have the faintest clue where to start, and I just really started questioning my decisions and my next step. My next step as in will I allow this to remain just a dream, or will I keep pep-talking myself, having faith and hope, until, the doors and windows of opportunity are open so wide, that no gust of wind, tornado or anything can shut it.

I guess I realised that well, putting myself out there was really just the start, the start of wonderful ventures coming my way, the fact that the people who saw me at that opportunity that day will look back in a year or two and tell others about that day I didn’t get what I wanted, but look where I am now (you know the groupie effect, I knew her before everything). I know I made an impact and I know now just how badly I want to chase my dreams, how I need my talents to shine and be heard, spoken and written. But I am taking my own advice, my cliché pep-talks, my dreamer brain and I’m taking every day as it comes, because I know I have the ability to do amazing things and I am already busy doing so. And it is true, the more or often the No’s pour in, the quicker its shaken off and the closer the YES’s are… so I’ll just move forward, do what I do best and just keep believing in me.

P.S

It is also a year since I started my blog. Congratulations to myself on this milestone, to many more years to come, to pouring my heart, mind and soul onto this canvas, to doing something that I am so utterly proud of, to something that I love, to being the best me, cannot wait to fill this canvas for many more years to come… I am a proud blogger… JOHYPHENDENE (soon to be published writer, positive affirmations)

2weeks into 2015

So it is two weeks into the New Year, Two weeks into New Resolutions, and two weeks into a New Mind set. What have you been up to since the start of the New Year, since the clock struck at midnight and it was the 1st of January 2015, what changes did you make in the past two weeks or routine have you started following, that makes you say 2015 I’m coming for you hard.

When a New Year starts, it is usually with so much enthusiasm, optimism and happy spirits, we claim the year, we announce our resolutions and dreams, all to be our better selves and reach the goals that we have. We make resolutions that we intend to keep, like waking up earlier, trying to eat healthily, etc. so 14 days in the New year, what have you done that you can build on for the rest of 2015? What have you changed in your daily routine that you will follow through on for the rest of the year?

Making resolutions isn’t about setting the bar so high that it is unreachable or unattainable, setting resolutions is about turning negative habits that you might have and turning it into positive habits. Setting resolutions is setting goals, goals that you wish to reach, goals that changes your way of life for the better, goals that turns your way of thinking around, goals that brings out the part of yourself that needs to grow, the part that you want to change, but the better part of you that you kept hidden. We all want to be a better part of ourselves, we want to be happier, successful, loved, and be the greatest that we most possibly can be. But everything begins with one step, the step that is a resolution or a goal set, that we start to work towards.

I ask myself the question every day, so what have I done today to take a step toward my goal “resolution”? Did I get up when I woke up before my alarm or did I decide to sleep for another five minutes. Did I procrastinate yet again, claiming that I didn’t have time to work on my dream, while I was looking for excuses just to delay working on it for a bit. Did I start to substitute the words “want to do it” with “I have to do it”. The moment we stop looking for excuses, in that moment we start to gravitate towards our goals “resolution”. It takes will power, it takes discipline, and it takes the urge to be better to drive us towards that goal. We tend to delay because our fears come into play, our fear of eventually failing at our goals, but we stand in our own way the moment we think about failure, before we even try, before we even take that first step.

So 14 days passed, 14 days that we got all excited about our goals and desires, 14 days that our goals fell flat on its face, 14 days that we realised just how bad we want or don’t want it, 14 days to reassess how we want to approach the goals and see it through and send fear of failure packing. 14 days where we just take a breath and start again, wake up early, start writing that first chapter of the book even if it seems difficult, start practising flipping that pancake till it’s perfect, start walking till the legs feel strong enough to jog, it all starts with the first step, changing the routine, getting out of the comfort zone and reaching for that “unattainable” goal.

old year, New Year

So it’s the end another year, another year filled with endless amounts of happy, sad and even some unexplained moments. I read a while ago, a status of a friend that said don’t use the festive season to justify all the partying, hooking up and bad life choices at that time as Y.O.L.O.

The festive season is supposed to be a time of reflecting, reflecting on the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, success and failures and also the growth and stagnation that took place. It is also supposed to be a time of rejoicing, rejoicing in the sense of finding the smile in a crowd filled with tears, the laugh in an ocean of screams and the love in a world filled with hatred.

Standing on the brink of a new year, a new year filled with endless possibilities, with endless chances, choices, decisions and just pure hope, one has no choice but to reflect on a year passed. A year that passed that wasn’t necessarily filled with all the expectation that was hoped for, filled with disappointment, unreached goals, failed attempts at life, heartache that felt it would break the soul, discouragement in life, love and faith and also just general just depressing melt down filled moments. But with all the bad there was also the good, the good that was disguised behind the negative. The silver lining when a relationship ended that you gave your all too, the smile you put on the face of another when you were at your lowest, the pep talk you gave when you were down and out and needed one yourself, the rebuilding of a broken heart, seeing the progress you made even though it doesn’t feel like you made any. The weight you lost even when you gave up that New Year’s resolution after only five days, the mini steps you took towards reaching your dream, your passion, even if it felt like you didn’t.

So yes, maybe it is all about perspective, all about how you want things and need them to be, even if it doesn’t work out. Just remember life happens when we are busy making plans. Standing on the brink of a New Year, let’s make resolutions that will push us into the right direction. It’s taking that small step when a leap seems impossible, but even that step creates the giant leap and the bigger picture. It is about taking the time, reflecting and having positive thoughts, speaking life, happiness and prosperous thoughts over one’s life. It’s about being better than the previous day. It’s about being happy with you, YOU, The you that you see in the mirror, the you who dreams the dreams of achieving goals so crazy you don’t even want to say it out loud, the you who wants to be happy and let go of all the negativity that surrounds you, the you who wants to be better, for yourself, the You, who wants to spread love in everything that you do, the you who knows that success is within your grasp and when those voices of giving up starts to talk, you just say F U.

Yes it’s almost a New Year, new beginnings, but it starts with you. Letting go of all the negatives, seeking the positive in what happened, embracing the new opportunities even if it is disguised in an unattractive package, but it is about seizing the moment as cliché as it may seem.
At the end of an old year, we say cheers to amazing life experiences that was gift wrapped in heartache, sadness and negativity, we give a toast to the positivity and perseverance we were taught through the pessimism. We welcome the new year, with Faith in abundance, Hope beyond measure, Love totally beyond compare, dreams and manifestations that’s part of everyday life, but most of all to be happy, to be the best we can be and literally make the best of our todays the worst of our tomorrows..

2015, dreams, goals, desires…
2013 was practice
2014 was warm up
2015 GAME TIME!!!!

i write what feels right

I usually write what feel

I usually write what I feel because it feels right. Putting my emotions into words, what I feel, what is in my heart, my head, what needs to be said.
It is also said that my writing is too deep sometimes, that it is too filled with emotion, that my emotions blindness me, that in order to be a great writer I shouldn’t be wearing my heart on my sleeve so much. But isn’t that what makes me great, the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I draw inspiration from everything around me, from conversations I hear and sometimes overhear, things I am included in and also excluded. Things I touch and come in to contact with. I write what feels right and sits whole in my soul, I write what feels and comes naturally. I write because it makes me happy, I write because it feels right in more ways than one, I write because every time I’m busy I get a rush of adrenalin hitting through my body, butterflies attacking my tummy, feelings of excitement that is more powerful than drugs.

To me I write because I express myself, I bare my heart, my mind my soul, so if it is too deep, too profound, well then it’s not worth reading, worth taking a glance at. I write what is real, what is real (and by real it is what my reality, my interpretation of reality). I write because its second nature to me, it is my therapy, my spa day, my day at the beach or in the wilderness. It’s my way to express deep and dark emotions, deep and dark worries, deep and dark thoughts.

It may not be any good, It may not be to anyone’s liking, it may not be shareable, but it is me, it is what feels right to me, what I want to say, what I feel, what I experience and what I want to share.

I write what feels right, I write with my heart on my sleeve,

chasing pavements- dreaming

What do you dream of doing? What is your passion? What dream drives you that no matter how, even though you don’t have the faintest clue how you are going to achieve that, but there is just something inside that assures you that you can and will achieve it.

I always associate movie/song quotes with what goes on in my life at a specific point in time, or I adapt it to suit my situation or see the similarities in it. there is this scene in Runner Runner where the FBI is investigating the “gambling ring” and this one guy wants out, he says he is getting a job in Wall Street and he says “so I’ll be rich, not super rich, I can deal”. So when do you decide that you can deal, that settling for what is set before you and giving up on the idea that you created in your mind,- because hey, dreams don’t put food on the table, dreams don’t put a roof over your head, so let go of the dream, store it in the back of your mind with all the rest of the childhood dreams that seemed like something out of a storybook- because it’s time to deal with what is right in front, it’s time to know that dreams aren’t reality and right now, “reality” wants and needs to be faced.

So when do you stop chasing pavements? When do you realise that this inherent dream might be all it will ever be. Not just because it is just a dream, but because you have no idea how to go about telling your dream, or you don’t even have a clue how to start chasing that pavement. At every step you get encouraged to chase a dream a little more attainable, a dream a little more realistic, a dream a little more mainstream. But how do you go about chasing that pavement? This isn’t a fairy tale so the fairy Godmother isn’t here to just miraculously wave her magic wand or Genie to grant your wish and make your dream come true. You need your own magic wand, which is obviously the wonderful degree/diploma, wave that around to get a foot in the door that takes you closer to your dream. If you don’t have that, well basically you are screwed, because you have to work ten times harder, because that piece of paper which in actual sense you paid for, the lack of it, limits the chances you get, the doors that open, because that magic wand is a step in the way of the dream. A dream after all is just as real as you want it to be, dreaming and not putting action to it will be just like chasing a pavement that leads nowhere. Putting action into it and praying for the fairy Godmother or Genie to discover you, to open that window to or give you that opportunity to show what is within you, to give you a chance to swing around the wand that is broken and taped up. A chance to take a step towards the goal that step by step makes the dream a reality.

So the dream is only as real as you want it to be, as real as how much you want it, as real as the effort you put in, as real as the pavements you chase to get to it, because stopping is not even remotely a choice. So maybe the dream has to be put on hold, stored in the back of the mind, because reality wants that. so that dream has to be kept on hold whilst reality happens, while you store your broken wand and invest in a new one, with the hopes that the wonderful new wand will open doors that will someday open a door to the dream of the pavement that is your goal. As long as the dream keeps persisting chasing the pavement is a reality of keeping the broken patched up wand, swinging and waving it until that Genie appears; a reality just as real as getting a new wand when you stop chasing the pavement that might lead nowhere and settle for the pavement that is presented.

I’ll wave the broken patched up wand, chasing the pavement that leads to my dreams and Wait for the Genie to open the window and make dreams a reality.

mentally blocked

A mental blockage caused by the turmoil of emotions seeping through the nerves of a body trying to make sense of what is and what could be.
A mental blockage caused by overthinking, wanting to be brilliant and amazing
A mental blockage caused by not being where you want to be, feeling like a failure and as if success is just an image in a dream.
A mental blockage because being the only one believing in dreams and desires, by wanting to accomplish and making it a reality and having no idea how to do so.

A mental blockage because the desire to be brilliant becomes too much, doubting one’s ability and talent, pressurising oneself towards breaking point.
A mental blockage because the backspace button seems to be the perfect way to rather delete letters, words, sentences that may have been extraordinary, doubt causes this.
A mental blockage to forget what it feels like to be grateful because the wants overshadows the evident wonderful blessings.
A mental blockage because no matter how hard you seem to want to give up, quitting isn’t an option.
A mental blockage because even the expression of emotion through tears seem like a sign of weakness, a sign of giving up, a sign of not being good enough, a sign of fear and settling.
A mental blockage because wanting to be great, to be amazingly wonderful, is the only desire, to be heard, to put something so superb out there, to be a voice that needs to be heard
A mental blockage because patience is a virtue, because this is art, this is love, this is passion, this is what paint on a canvas, a magical sunset, anything but mediocre is.
A mental blockage that breaks what is left of the ego, to examine to mind, body, spirit, to breathe and feel the creativeness swim around like butterflies, to creatively expose the desire, the dream and manifest it by breaking down the blockage, just like the ego, to give life to inherent talents and just of the self.
A mental blockage , unwanted, undesired, breaking barriers, teaching patience, giving rise to creativity, manifesting dreams, trusting the gut feel, believing, hoping and having Faith.