Leap down the Rabbit HOLE – part3 (the promise)

 

She was still so fascinated by the clear blue sky and the fluffy clouds moving in a swift rhythm that she walked without looking down once. As the grass still tingled on the soles of her feet, she suddenly fell to the ground…she stumbled over a little bush and when she looked up a wonderful oasis awaited her.

What she was seeing was a little retreat, looking as if it was just created for her, well it was created for her, and even her name was written on the place card at the table. As she walked around the table, being in awe of what she was observing, from the happy juice to the treats and book of spells that was laid out, just for her. Just when was in a mesmerized daze as she took all this in, as her smile just got bigger and bigger, there he stood in front of her. Now she was truly wondering what this wonderland that she found herself was all about. She found herself mumbling utterances, at least in her head it made sense, but as soon as those words reached her mouth and tried to escape from her mouth, she just got all tongue-tied. It was as if his gaze just had her bewildered and all she wanted to say could be seen in her eyes and the gigantic smile that adorned her face. The utterances that spilled from her mouth and didn’t make sense at all was perfectly formed by his lips, everything she wanted to get out, he already knew; was this really magic? Has she really found herself in wonderland?

As they sat down surrounded by the beauty of the forest, the light breeze cooling her as she felt hotter than the sun’s rays on this warm day. Her sentences started to become fluent, it seemed the longer she looked into his eyes, a sense of calm just moves over her, okay it might be the happy juice as well. As she became more comfortable, she became herself in a way that even surprised her, but he wasn’t surprised, not in the least. She didn’t know if he cast a spell with that book of spells that laid on the table, but is serenity just pulled her in deeper and opening herself felt like the most natural thing in the world.

As he looked into her eyes, he told her or no he asked her if she would promise him one thing… obviously she was flabbergasted, because what on earth would he want her to promise; with great certainty she said Yes before knowing what she was promising too… he said, “please don’t ever change who you are”…

Okay, she already promised, but if she wasn’t staggered before, now she truly was.

She had to process this bit of newly found information, she was swimming around in her mind and wondering why he would ask her something like this. Maybe he had sipped too much on the happy juice, because what made her so special that he didn’t want her to change. The more she tried to look for answers, the more she couldn’t find a reason or why he would feel that specific way. But the more she thought about that phrase, the more sense it made, but clearly he saw something in her, something that she doesn’t necessarily see in herself, but something that captured him in a way that neither of them could have anticipated.

 

As she wondered what made her so special that he didn’t ever want her to change and she realised, what isn’t there that doesn’t make her special.

 

She finally understood that who she is now, she fought to become and that being in wonderland made her realise this.

She understood that her being comfortable in her own skin was something she worked hard on, with all the stereotypes and what beauty is supposed to look like; the moment she embraced all that made her unique her, from her hair, to her skin, her mind, her heart, that is when her beauty started blooming, because she was just truly and honestly herself and doing it for herself.

She recognized that her spirit reflects how and what she feels about herself and others; the way she spoke positivity into her own life, how she let go of any negative thoughts and emotions that tried to infiltrate her life, the way she owned the distinctive quirks that is true to her.

She acknowledges how her passion is reflected in her eyes, in her voice, in her smile, in her energy. The way butterflies slip into her stomach when she speak and does something that excites her to her core, whether it is talking about her dreams, chasing and reaching a goal or just get enthusiastic when the desire and magnitude of what makes her happy and which she is fanatical about, pours out of her like lava from a very active volcano.

She concedes that her being honest and vulnerable is not a weakness, but a strength, how candid she can be, as this is an extension of who she is, as she had to rip the masks and facades off, piece by piece, bit by bit, to be who she has become.

 

She admits that she loves fiercly, she wears her heart on her sleeve, she loves herself, who she once was, who she is now and who she is yet to become; love is what drives her, it is her language, the unspoken language that surrounds her and is reflected in her aura and energy that surrounds her.

 

She accepts that her weird sense of humour is what makes her funny and in most cases hilarious in her own right, that even when she mumbles and gets tongue-tied that what she tries to articulate still gets across; her words is just one way she communicates.

 

Being in Wonderland is making her comprehend all that she was, all that she has shed, from the negativity and self-doubt, to the insecurities and fear. Before she even leapt down that rabbit hole, she was already someone who would just blossom and flourish in this new environment, as she creates it as she moves along.

 

Like she promised him, she won’t ever change who she is, who she fought to become, who she is meant to be, because this is the version that she is supposed to be, and this is why he is so captivated by all that she is.

self-sabotage…

Self-sabotage

Noun – (Uncountable)

The sabotaging, whether consciously or subconsciously, of oneself.

Verb

(Third-person singular simple present self-sabotages, present participle self-sabotaging, simple past and past participle self-sabotaged)

To sabotage oneself or one’s own plans.

So I decided to begin this post with a definition, it is apparent what self- sabotage means, but a definition makes it seem like I did a ton of research, when I just want to figure out why I sabotage myself sometimes. I am this hopeless romantic, I believe in fairy tales, yes I believe in having a soul mate, I believe in not settling for anything that is mediocre, I mean I want that uncanny-crazy-spontaneous- I cannot even put into words- wonderfully- magically filled, fiery- explosive kind of love. Obviously this love I first have to feel and experience within myself, the type of love that I have for myself before I can even think of giving or receiving that from another person, and vice versa.

So why self-sabotage when it seems as if the perfect relationship or love story is about to happen or is already happening, why feel the need to look for exits and escape routes if this is something that will ultimately be the story that you seek?

Well, I want to quote J.Cole “don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved”. This one line is a perfect example of what happens when you or someone else wants to be the superhero who saves the damsel from her misery and want to give her/him the fairy tale ending you think they deserve. Thing is, not everyone wants to be saved, or everyone wants to be saved, but in most cases, actually all, one has to start with oneself, be one’s own superhero, start saving oneself. It is normal to want to be rescued and find that love that consumes every part of our beings and fibre, I mean wasn’t sleeping beauty in a deep sleep for over 100 years before she awoke by true loves kiss, or even Belle loving beast for what is on the inside and not what his exterior looked like, anyway this is beside the point. We all want to be loved unconditionally, but do we love ourselves unconditionally? If we do it will be so easy to love someone else, with all their flaws, quirks, and then you wouldn’t have time to look for exists and start self-sabotaging.

I have this problem where I self-sabotage love interests, not because I don’t believe in the possibility of every love being the one I have been searching for, but because when it feels mediocre and doesn’t resonate with the love and vibes I feel inside of me, why go ahead with it. I mean I always want to please others, be the perfect example or perfect partner that someone wants me to be, and in the process losing myself and the exit strategy… Self-sabotage. When you are really and truly in love with yourself, you know what you want, what kind of feeling you want to reciprocate, you know how far you are willing to compromise without losing yourself, your beliefs, your magical energy and the person who is meant for you will be pulled by the vibes and energy that you send out. It won’t be mediocre, it won’t be a case where someone has to be saved out of their misery, a case where someone settles because they are afraid that the person they are meant to be with is just a fantasy. It won’t be a case where you lose yourself to be a perfect partner for someone else, ending up pretending to be whom you are not and changing so much, because that is the love you decided to settle for.

I love this quotation/expression so much, definitely part of the next ink I get, “Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed…maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them”. I guess this just says it all for me.

Maybe she doesn’t want to be saved, because She Wants, she Deserves, NO she NEEDS to be her own hero. Maybe she self-sabotages because she knows within her being that the one she is with isn’t the one for her. Maybe she self- sabotages because she knows that she cannot pretend to be what she is not, in order to be part of a group who seems to be living the happiest life of relationships/ engagements/ marriages. Maybe she self-sabotages because she knows that the love that she has for herself still needs to grow, that she still need to love herself more in order to fully understand unconditional love, in order to give love in abundance, in order to be the partner who can be herself and be accepted for it, instead of pretending or neglecting parts of the self because the superhero didn’t sign up for that. Maybe she is just so content and happy and in love with herself that she knows what she deserves, that she knows what energy and vibes make her tingle, that she knows that she won’t settle, that she knows she won’t change herself to suit anyone who doesn’t deserve her, that she knows she will attract the right one, when the time is right.

So maybe I self- sabotage and I don’t want to be saved, and I won’t be tamed, the wild significant other will run with me and then self-sabotage will be a mere memory of what once was.

Woman Crush Wednesday

It’s Wednesday which means that it is #WCW (if you are not familiar with this hashtag it means Woman Crush Wednesday). So I am beginning to think who to make my #WCW and I just figured, I’ll make myself my #WCW for the day, I mean why not?

I am my own Woman crush, because when I look in the mirror I fall in love with the face staring back at me. I love the eyes that tell a story from just looking in them. I like the character my nose has, and also the weird crinkly thing it does when I smile. I like my smile, I fall in love with it, every day, more and more. I love that I can look in the mirror and like what I see, I love that I can appreciate that which I myself see as flaws, embrace it and wear it with confidence.

No I am not conceited, I am confident, I am confidently and comfortably, myself. I acknowledge that I am flawed, yes I am, I recognise that I am not perfect, I also concede that I will not allow my flaws to define me. I turn my flaws into my strengths and accepting that my flaws can be my strengths. I like how I feel comfortable in my own skin, how through the cellulite, the stretch marks, the occasional pimple break out, I still love my skin. I love that I feel unique in the skin that is mine.

I love the feeling I give myself when I reach a person goal, I love how I can recognise my weaknesses and not just my strengths, I love that I keep on going on even when it feels it is not worth it. I love that I can validate myself, how can I search for validation, when I cannot even validate myself. I love how I can pat myself on the back and not just say how I am not good enough. I like that I admit that perfecting the art of procrastinating will ultimately stand in the way of what I want. I love that I fall in love with everything that I see, whether it is listening to a new song, the rain falling, the voice on the radio, the mind of another. I like that I can see the beauty in myself, in a world we were are driven by likes. I like that I know I am not conceited, I just celebrate the beauty, strength, drive, passion, inside of me.

I am my #WCW, because the motivation I seek, starts from within, the validation I require, I give myself. The dreams that I dream, I am pursuing. If I want others to think I am pretty, wonderful at what I do, I have to think and believe it myself first.

confidently natural, naturally confident

I recently, well  9 months ago started wearing my natural hair. So for 9 months I haven’t resorted to any type of treatment to chemically straighten my hair, which leaves me with an afro, yes I have an afro now. It hasn’t been easy, there are just days where I want to dip my whole head into a pot of chemicals and get the straight sleek hair that I got used to for years. The decision to go natural was an impulsive one, the same with all my decisions when it comes to my hair, but this came on after I was rocking a Mohawk for a few months and the fact that I wanted to look more like my brother (he has a fro) and also because I am on the journey of finding myself.

Going natural is a journey for me, a journey of finding myself, a journey of confidence, a journey of finding what works for me and also what doesn’t. Through the years I’ve had a lot of different hairstyles and colours, because well I like experimenting and changing your hair is literally as good as a holiday. So how does confidence even remotely play a role with something as simple as changing the style that you choose to wear your hair?

We get used to being ridiculed or judged by whatever is in fashion, in trend and what is the number 1 go too look at the moment. Sometimes our confidence fluctuates at the speed of changing trends, just as soon as you are accustomed to one trend, the season changes and a brand new hot trend greets you and suddenly your confidence falls because your style doesn’t seem good enough seeing that there is a new kid in town. But then we question style, isn’t it your style, your personal style, what you feel comfortable in, what makes you feel happy and ultimately makes you feel confidently yourself? Fashion changes but ultimately how does it impact your personal style, how does it affect your confidence? Does it want you to jump on every trend train that passes your station or do you take from the trend and style it to suit your taste and what you like. Finding a look that translates who you are; I see style as a look that speaks for you and reveals who you are, but it shows the confidence that you have because you are comfortable in whatever you wear.

In finding yourself you learn what works for you and what doesn’t, what makes you feel good and what just makes you feel horrible. Confidence you find when you know what makes you feel comfortable and happy, it happens when you are sure of yourself, walking tall with poise because you are content with who you are. Any hairstyle, outfit just drapes and showcases the confidence that already exists within you, how you feel about yourself and how content you are in your own skin.

India Arie has this wonderful song I am not my hair and I guess you start to really understand what message it entails when you start to be confident in your own skin. This message doesn’t just constitute or relates to the type of hair you have, the style you choose to wear it in, the clothes you wear or the trends you follow. This song is about being confidently yourself, it is about embracing who and what you are, loving yourself and carrying yourself with the poise and serenity that you are blissfully happy in the skin that is yours. So if you choose to go natural or rock styles of ages, if you do that with confidence that you discover when you are content with the face that looks back at you in the mirror, well then that is all you need.

Your style is the result of a confidently content being happy with who he/she is and that transcends into everyday life. So when you walk into a room and you are dripping in confidence that overflows when you just spark a smile or speak a word, no matter what you are wearing or what type of hairstyle you are rocking, if you wear it confidently, well then, the world is your oyster.

taking my own advice

It is so easy to give everyone around you sound and useful advice, when they are going through a somewhat difficult time, need a pep talk, need their confidence boosted, when they lost a chance/opportunity. Why is it so difficult to follow your own advice, why is it so difficult to sometimes remain positive when negativity and rejection strikes from all angles?

So apparently dealing with it and trying to be your own positive voice is what needs to be done, basically, taking the same meds that you dish out to others. So recently I chased an opportunity, something that I have been dreaming of, something that I wanted, something I saw as a stepping stone to take me to amazing new heights, just the start of something wonderful. I gave myself the much-needed pep-talks, the inspiration, the quotes, jokes and everything that I would tell another person when I want them to be and do their absolute best and of course to make them believe in themselves. I was high on positive energy and vibes and I guess I wanted it so badly I tricked my mind into believing that anything I put my mind too I can do and achieve.

I remember dripping in positivity, but having a calmness over me, like having a gut feel that just say that I’ll be fine, whether I do well or not. Having conversations with myself (those where I look myself in the eye and have a total heart to heart, team talk almost) and just releasing everything to the universe. So I took my own advice, I remained calm and just did my utmost best, I mean, they do say all you have to do and give is your best, and that is what I did. I stated that whatever the outcome, it will be in my best interest, (what a way to take my own advice).

The outcome wasn’t what I had hoped for and weirdly enough I was okay with it, I just patted myself on the back and cheered myself for taking chances and putting myself out there. I was okay with things not working out the way I Hoped and anticipated it too, and I knew in that moment that bigger and better things awaits (well that’s what I usually tell others and because I really believe it). I really figured that I was okay and I knew and still know that a year or two down the line the same opportunity I missed or didn’t get, will be the same opportunity that I will turn down or have as one of many options, because what I have is wonderful and I believe this with my heart and soul.

So I kind of had a break down, almost a month afterwards, because it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t get what I wanted so badly, that I don’t feel good enough, talented enough, what I did wrong, that I want to change me, that I still have to put so much work in myself and I don’t have the faintest clue where to start, and I just really started questioning my decisions and my next step. My next step as in will I allow this to remain just a dream, or will I keep pep-talking myself, having faith and hope, until, the doors and windows of opportunity are open so wide, that no gust of wind, tornado or anything can shut it.

I guess I realised that well, putting myself out there was really just the start, the start of wonderful ventures coming my way, the fact that the people who saw me at that opportunity that day will look back in a year or two and tell others about that day I didn’t get what I wanted, but look where I am now (you know the groupie effect, I knew her before everything). I know I made an impact and I know now just how badly I want to chase my dreams, how I need my talents to shine and be heard, spoken and written. But I am taking my own advice, my cliché pep-talks, my dreamer brain and I’m taking every day as it comes, because I know I have the ability to do amazing things and I am already busy doing so. And it is true, the more or often the No’s pour in, the quicker its shaken off and the closer the YES’s are… so I’ll just move forward, do what I do best and just keep believing in me.

P.S

It is also a year since I started my blog. Congratulations to myself on this milestone, to many more years to come, to pouring my heart, mind and soul onto this canvas, to doing something that I am so utterly proud of, to something that I love, to being the best me, cannot wait to fill this canvas for many more years to come… I am a proud blogger… JOHYPHENDENE (soon to be published writer, positive affirmations)