Leap down the rabbit hole Part 4 (InStillness)

 

As she navigates her way through this unknown world, this captivating magically mystical world she finds herself in. She cannot help but wonder what and where she will eventually end up. She still pinches herself to make sure that she isn’t dreaming, and if this had really become her reality. When she leapt down that rabbit hole she could never have anticipated all that she would see, all that she would realise, all that she had to encounter, all the new and scary things that she had to go through and all this is part of the unknown that now strikes a new-found awareness.

 

As she sits in silence wondering what her next move will be, what steps she needs to take in order the journey forth, her mind wonders to a million different places and events. In the stillness is where she makes sense of it all, if it all makes sense she doesn’t know yet, but she knows it all seems a little bit clearer now.

 

She always fought the biggest fights against her heart and mind. Her heart and mind being in total contradiction of her needs and wants, what is realistic and what is fantasy, does she need to stay, or does she need to go, does she follow through and preserve despite all the bumps and bruises or does she give up and walk away relieved yet defeated. But as she sits in silence basking in the vibration of all that was and all that is, she knows that this journey thus far has been exactly what she had to experience, laughs and cries and all.

 

She used to think it was okay to play small, or when it happened when she was shrunken to a teeny bit of herself, finding herself lost in a maze of discoveries to be unlocked. As she hid behind the bushes and seek shelter from all the unknown threats, and even all the majestic surprises. For a minute she was okay with it, for a while she was okay with having to hide and walk in the shadows to remain hidden and safe. But that she knew that remaining small was not what this journey was busy teaching her. As she moved through this maze, the intricate turns, the multiple hiding places, she became more aware. She became more attentive to all she was once oblivious to, she became aware of the millions of little particles that plays a role to grow. For so long she was fixated on the big bigger and how all would eventually fit together that she neglected to also take in all the small moments. Whether it was the victory of being able to jump over a little puddle or holding tight when the winds blew in all directions, or even just being able to smile when all she wanted to do was cry. It was those shadows that scared her most, not knowing what hid behind the next corner, whether it would be a dead end again or whether that would lead to the opening that she hoped for. But despite being small she tightened those buckles on her shoes, pulled up her stockings and ventured forth, using the shadows to guide her through the maze. In being small she found that she was stronger than she was aware off, that she was significant despite her size, that becoming mindful of all the little elaborate surroundings, that somehow it starts to make sense how the whole bigger picture will eventually be formed. Being small, embracing and becoming aware of the surroundings is what made it possible to eventually navigate through the maze. She found being small gave her necessary resources and mindfulness to move through the darkness and with every passing shadow she grew taller, prouder, stronger as all these little things are lessons throughout her journey.

 

Being small, made her appreciate how big she was. It made her view that big picture in a new and mindful way. She had always known that, that big picture (that waved and winked at her in the distance and gave her a taste of how it will feel, look and smell when she ultimately attained it by getting glimpses more often than she would have liked- I mean the journey was and is already strenuous to state it mildly) was and will always be hers to acquire. Whenever she felt a glimpse of the bigger picture so often she got totally and utterly engulfed in it all that she neglected to be aware of all the smaller parts that had and still must flow together for that big picture to come to full fruition.

 

As she sits in stillness, she starts balancing out the energies, the energy of all that she learned when she was small, all she had to become aware of all over again, all she had to embrace to make this journey all it is and have been thus far. By seeing the big picture in the distance, she knows that is more than just attainable, but also that she shouldn’t get so fixated on that, that she gets lost in what is yet to come and not fully be engulfed in the small little moments that build up to that moment. In stillness she finds gratitude, in stillness she finds peace in her journey and know that she would jump down that hole again, bruises, bumps and all. She is braver than she was before, more resilient, more appreciative to the surrounding beauty, whether it be darkness for a bit or light throughout. The leap down the rabbit hole, is how her journey started, pushing forward, seeing and feeling all the glorious magical surprises that awaits her throughout.

As she sits gently, she awaits her next step in this enchanted journey. Aware and ready, step by step, jumping over puddles or floating on fluffy clouds, it is her journey down the rabbit hole.

Leap down the Rabbit HOLE – part3 (the promise)

 

She was still so fascinated by the clear blue sky and the fluffy clouds moving in a swift rhythm that she walked without looking down once. As the grass still tingled on the soles of her feet, she suddenly fell to the ground…she stumbled over a little bush and when she looked up a wonderful oasis awaited her.

What she was seeing was a little retreat, looking as if it was just created for her, well it was created for her, and even her name was written on the place card at the table. As she walked around the table, being in awe of what she was observing, from the happy juice to the treats and book of spells that was laid out, just for her. Just when was in a mesmerized daze as she took all this in, as her smile just got bigger and bigger, there he stood in front of her. Now she was truly wondering what this wonderland that she found herself was all about. She found herself mumbling utterances, at least in her head it made sense, but as soon as those words reached her mouth and tried to escape from her mouth, she just got all tongue-tied. It was as if his gaze just had her bewildered and all she wanted to say could be seen in her eyes and the gigantic smile that adorned her face. The utterances that spilled from her mouth and didn’t make sense at all was perfectly formed by his lips, everything she wanted to get out, he already knew; was this really magic? Has she really found herself in wonderland?

As they sat down surrounded by the beauty of the forest, the light breeze cooling her as she felt hotter than the sun’s rays on this warm day. Her sentences started to become fluent, it seemed the longer she looked into his eyes, a sense of calm just moves over her, okay it might be the happy juice as well. As she became more comfortable, she became herself in a way that even surprised her, but he wasn’t surprised, not in the least. She didn’t know if he cast a spell with that book of spells that laid on the table, but is serenity just pulled her in deeper and opening herself felt like the most natural thing in the world.

As he looked into her eyes, he told her or no he asked her if she would promise him one thing… obviously she was flabbergasted, because what on earth would he want her to promise; with great certainty she said Yes before knowing what she was promising too… he said, “please don’t ever change who you are”…

Okay, she already promised, but if she wasn’t staggered before, now she truly was.

She had to process this bit of newly found information, she was swimming around in her mind and wondering why he would ask her something like this. Maybe he had sipped too much on the happy juice, because what made her so special that he didn’t want her to change. The more she tried to look for answers, the more she couldn’t find a reason or why he would feel that specific way. But the more she thought about that phrase, the more sense it made, but clearly he saw something in her, something that she doesn’t necessarily see in herself, but something that captured him in a way that neither of them could have anticipated.

 

As she wondered what made her so special that he didn’t ever want her to change and she realised, what isn’t there that doesn’t make her special.

 

She finally understood that who she is now, she fought to become and that being in wonderland made her realise this.

She understood that her being comfortable in her own skin was something she worked hard on, with all the stereotypes and what beauty is supposed to look like; the moment she embraced all that made her unique her, from her hair, to her skin, her mind, her heart, that is when her beauty started blooming, because she was just truly and honestly herself and doing it for herself.

She recognized that her spirit reflects how and what she feels about herself and others; the way she spoke positivity into her own life, how she let go of any negative thoughts and emotions that tried to infiltrate her life, the way she owned the distinctive quirks that is true to her.

She acknowledges how her passion is reflected in her eyes, in her voice, in her smile, in her energy. The way butterflies slip into her stomach when she speak and does something that excites her to her core, whether it is talking about her dreams, chasing and reaching a goal or just get enthusiastic when the desire and magnitude of what makes her happy and which she is fanatical about, pours out of her like lava from a very active volcano.

She concedes that her being honest and vulnerable is not a weakness, but a strength, how candid she can be, as this is an extension of who she is, as she had to rip the masks and facades off, piece by piece, bit by bit, to be who she has become.

 

She admits that she loves fiercly, she wears her heart on her sleeve, she loves herself, who she once was, who she is now and who she is yet to become; love is what drives her, it is her language, the unspoken language that surrounds her and is reflected in her aura and energy that surrounds her.

 

She accepts that her weird sense of humour is what makes her funny and in most cases hilarious in her own right, that even when she mumbles and gets tongue-tied that what she tries to articulate still gets across; her words is just one way she communicates.

 

Being in Wonderland is making her comprehend all that she was, all that she has shed, from the negativity and self-doubt, to the insecurities and fear. Before she even leapt down that rabbit hole, she was already someone who would just blossom and flourish in this new environment, as she creates it as she moves along.

 

Like she promised him, she won’t ever change who she is, who she fought to become, who she is meant to be, because this is the version that she is supposed to be, and this is why he is so captivated by all that she is.

the worst part

“I think the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him, it was losing myself”

How many times isn’t this the exact same feeling that you experience when going through a break-up, whether it be a romantic relationship, a deeply bonded friendship, even a job or opportunity you figured was exactly what you needed and made you feel so absolutely alive, joyful and happy. When this all comes to an end, the saddest part is when you realise that losing him/her/that wasn’t the worst part, the worst part was, that you no longer recognise the face that stares back at you when you look in the mirror. You get so caught up and so lost that you forget who and what you are supposed to be.

Losing yourself in any experience is the worst thing that can happen, changing who you are for someone else, for something, for an experience to the point where who you are becomes just a mere memory of someone who you once were. Realising that all the time you were investing in that involvement, with every part you gave of yourself you gave a part that couldn’t be replaced, parts that you ended up losing and would be even more difficult to replace and mend than shattered pieces of heart, than a wondering mind craving answers, than confidence that has to be rebuilt with a very firm foundation.

What do you do when you realise that you lost who you were? The person who you were before entering that relationship, that partnership, that company? How do you start picking up the pieces of what is a reminder of who you once were, pieces that you left along the road to create what you thought was the ultimate experience. Almost like in Hansel and Gretel where the bread crumbs could transcend as pieces of who and what you are that gets scattered along the road to help you find your way back to yourself, but when you turn around all that is lost. When you realise that the road you were on to the candy coated house wasn’t all that you anticipated it to be, that all that glistens indeed aren’t all so golden? How do you get back when you don’t have the road marks to lead you back to where and who you were.

That’s the thing about realising that you actually lost who you are, that you gave so much of yourself that you gave the pieces who makes you, you, the you who are or were passionate about falling in love, about entering the exciting world of skills that were set before you. Having to get refocused and dig deep and get to know who you were before and during and who you want to be. In losing that piece/person/partnership you get to find you.

The worst part isn’t losing the other person, job or opportunity, it after all is a learning curve and it makes us who we are, and makes us realise what we want, what we will tolerate and to what lengths and extremes we will go through to keep it, and we do get over it. But how do we get over realising that the biggest part of the experience was losing who you are, what makes and made you attractive and passionate, that attracted the joy and happiness that you seek, but also the confidence that now is broken down to rubble.

Losing yourself gives you the chance to go on a journey and start to find and explore who you were, but also who you are after the experience that you went through. The worst experience makes for the best ones, makes you rebuild yourself who you are, picking up the broken rundown pieces, toughening up, standing firm in who and what you are, believing and finding new-found love and determination for your passion and what you stand for. So in losing him/her/that, you become the -no nonsense taking I fight for what I want, I won’t tolerate anything less than what I want, I won’t settle for less than I deserve, confidently, strong meticulous – you that you once were, sometimes experiencing the worst, makes way for the best to shine through.