daring to Begin

 

Dare to Begin…

Every year we have this tendency to compose a list; a list where we state what we want to improve on, in the new and upcoming year. This list is known as New Year’s Resolutions, according to the dictionary “Resolution” is defined as the firm decision to do or not do something. More often than not, we make a decision to actually do something and change habits and practices that no longer suits us, or make a decision to improve our lifestyles, whether it be physical, mental, and emotional. So what does this entail, it means that we want to become better versions of ourselves, by leaving behind old habits and adopting new ones. What we sometimes forget is that a resolution ultimately becomes a lifestyle change, it is something that has to be worked on and effort has to be put into it in order for it to be successful. The moment things start to become difficult and not as easy as we once anticipated, it is easy to just say goodbye to the resolutions and fall back into old ways.

 

Dare to Begin, is the only resolution/decision/ goal I set for myself. Why? Because at the end of the day in order for things to change in one’s life, doesn’t one just have to dare to begin, no matter how fearful and scary it may seem. Me writing now, is me daring to begin…typing letter after letter, hoping that it will make perfect sense, hoping that I will be able to convey the message that I have within me, beginning to overcome fear that withheld me from writing and carefully masked as being “writers block”.

 

So why am I daring to begin? Well two days ago I had a freak accident while getting out of the shower. As I got out of the shower and opened the sliding door, the glass shattered (thank heavens for shatterproof glass), it basically crumbled into a shit load of tiny pieces. Here I am standing naked and vulnerable, pieces of glass scattered all over the floor and I just saw blood, in a moment of clarity, I was looking around and all of a sudden a sense of calmness just came over me. I saw deep red blood spattered against the crisp white tiles and had to figure out where this blood came from and how to get out of the shower without hurting myself any further. I basically freaked out after all was done, but in that moment, I saw the blood oozing from my wrist (a piece of glass cut into my wrist, and the blood just flowed like water from a tap), and I somehow had to stop the bleeding and get out of there. It is funny, instead of freaking out, I remained calm, I grabbed a towel (my brother brought a few fresh towels coz I screamed for him to help and bring towels) and tried to stop the bleeding, I got out and then everything happened fast… I rinsed all the excess glass off and had to go to the Doctor coz I just figured I needed stitches… you know you always freak out after everything happens, and it freaked me out afterwards, I was scared for all that could have happened… the glass could have not been shatterproof and shards of sharp glass could have penetrated my body, I could have lost the feeling in my thumb and just 1cm closer a major artery could have been cut (it is my left hand)…and I walked away with a few scratches and 8 stitches, even though the bathroom looked like a crime scene and now I know that there is indeed a 1000 ways to die..  I am just grateful, I am immensely grateful.

What did I take from that experience? Sometimes we get into seriously scary situations and fear takes over and it stops us from wanting to do everyday things, like taking a shower. But we have to conquer and overcome that fear and just dare to begin and try again.

There will be petrifying moments, there will be terrifying thoughts and chilling experiences, but we have to look beyond the fear and keep going. Fear keeps us from doing, trying and experiencing all the bliss that is set out for us and as long as we keep focussed on that fear, we will never begin.

So for this 1 universal year, I am just daring to begin…daring to begin in spite of fear, choosing to be fearless and keep on going, daring to be the best version of myself, being brave enough to overcome challenges and to always remain grateful. We learn through challenges and encounters, but at the end of the day we just have to be brave enough to begin again and just push forward.

 

So resolutions, I don’t have that… I am just daring to begin… daring to begin and taking on new challenges, new things…there will be shattered glass trying to penetrate ones skin, how we choose to handle that and move forward, is what makes us a better version of ourselves.

new journeys

 

The past few months has seriously been a rollercoaster of endings and new beginnings and just navigating through it all, is a rollercoaster ride all on its own.

 

Remember the times when it was all about 16^th birthday parties, confirmations to 18th birthday parties, matric dances, after parties, it kind of seem like a lifetime ago (well it is basically a decade ago). This was such an amazing time, also a time that the parties you attended were with friends who now 10 years on are still such a big part of your life. And then there was the infamous 21^st (coming of age) party season, wow now that is basically a whole chapter, nope, a book on its own. All of a sudden the years just seem to pass and all of a sudden it is all about engagement parties, weddings, baby showers and welcoming new arrivals. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that my own 21^st was 6years ago (when did I get this old) and here I am finding myself in a new season, a season that I need a new compass, map, GPS and throwing in Suri would be an amazing bonus.

The past few months I had the honour (and I seriously do believe it is one), to witness a couple of my friends start a wonderful new chapter in their lives, the journey of motherhood. It is always wonderful and astonishing to see a woman carrying something so spectacular in her womb, but the experience becomes more profound the closer the people are to you (or that is at least what I have experienced). And no I am not broody, lol okay maybe a tiny teeny little bit, but the miracle of life and to see what a beautiful change it brings in the lives of people who you have journeyed with for years is totally exceptional.

 

I think it is absolutely humbling to be a part of a journey like this, witnessing how your friends navigated the crazy teenage years, all the ups and major downs, the happiness and sad times and then just to see this extraordinary glow about them, it radiates warmth, comfort, happiness, joy and unconditional love. A glow that makes you so absolutely excited and overjoyed to be sharing with them. When we are younger we tend to imagine and daydream what it would be like when someone in the circle would were to have a baby, what attributes they would inherit from which parent and just how it would be. And then years later you find yourself in this position and reality is far more remarkable that could have been anticipated. It is seriously one of those instances where you realise that a greater force is responsible for all of this beauty, for all of this love, for all of this wonder.

 

New beginnings are usually so scary, because you don’t know what to expect, you don’t know how to act and react, how to feel and what not to feel, it is almost like searching for the light switch in the pitch black dark and only be relying on touch and instinct. What makes new beginnings worth it is when you have support of amazing people around you, who willingly, lovingly, selflessly walk this journey with you.

I cannot wait for the day when I too experience this new beginning when that little peanut is growing in my womb, but at this moment I am so absolutely completely content and in awe of the mothers that my friends have become, it seriously is life changing, it is that beautiful thing that you would want everyone to know that you are witnessing.

So it may have started with our 16^th parties and matric dances, but now it slips over to the new generation, the mini me’s, and to be completely honest this is a wonderful journey to be a part of, to see how people who have been part of your life for such a long time, start a new phase, a new journey, a new chapter and that you are there to walk this journey with them, to be a part of it all, and someday tell that little one what a joy they have brought to our lives.

 

Leap down the Rabbit HOLE – part3 (the promise)

 

She was still so fascinated by the clear blue sky and the fluffy clouds moving in a swift rhythm that she walked without looking down once. As the grass still tingled on the soles of her feet, she suddenly fell to the ground…she stumbled over a little bush and when she looked up a wonderful oasis awaited her.

What she was seeing was a little retreat, looking as if it was just created for her, well it was created for her, and even her name was written on the place card at the table. As she walked around the table, being in awe of what she was observing, from the happy juice to the treats and book of spells that was laid out, just for her. Just when was in a mesmerized daze as she took all this in, as her smile just got bigger and bigger, there he stood in front of her. Now she was truly wondering what this wonderland that she found herself was all about. She found herself mumbling utterances, at least in her head it made sense, but as soon as those words reached her mouth and tried to escape from her mouth, she just got all tongue-tied. It was as if his gaze just had her bewildered and all she wanted to say could be seen in her eyes and the gigantic smile that adorned her face. The utterances that spilled from her mouth and didn’t make sense at all was perfectly formed by his lips, everything she wanted to get out, he already knew; was this really magic? Has she really found herself in wonderland?

As they sat down surrounded by the beauty of the forest, the light breeze cooling her as she felt hotter than the sun’s rays on this warm day. Her sentences started to become fluent, it seemed the longer she looked into his eyes, a sense of calm just moves over her, okay it might be the happy juice as well. As she became more comfortable, she became herself in a way that even surprised her, but he wasn’t surprised, not in the least. She didn’t know if he cast a spell with that book of spells that laid on the table, but is serenity just pulled her in deeper and opening herself felt like the most natural thing in the world.

As he looked into her eyes, he told her or no he asked her if she would promise him one thing… obviously she was flabbergasted, because what on earth would he want her to promise; with great certainty she said Yes before knowing what she was promising too… he said, “please don’t ever change who you are”…

Okay, she already promised, but if she wasn’t staggered before, now she truly was.

She had to process this bit of newly found information, she was swimming around in her mind and wondering why he would ask her something like this. Maybe he had sipped too much on the happy juice, because what made her so special that he didn’t want her to change. The more she tried to look for answers, the more she couldn’t find a reason or why he would feel that specific way. But the more she thought about that phrase, the more sense it made, but clearly he saw something in her, something that she doesn’t necessarily see in herself, but something that captured him in a way that neither of them could have anticipated.

 

As she wondered what made her so special that he didn’t ever want her to change and she realised, what isn’t there that doesn’t make her special.

 

She finally understood that who she is now, she fought to become and that being in wonderland made her realise this.

She understood that her being comfortable in her own skin was something she worked hard on, with all the stereotypes and what beauty is supposed to look like; the moment she embraced all that made her unique her, from her hair, to her skin, her mind, her heart, that is when her beauty started blooming, because she was just truly and honestly herself and doing it for herself.

She recognized that her spirit reflects how and what she feels about herself and others; the way she spoke positivity into her own life, how she let go of any negative thoughts and emotions that tried to infiltrate her life, the way she owned the distinctive quirks that is true to her.

She acknowledges how her passion is reflected in her eyes, in her voice, in her smile, in her energy. The way butterflies slip into her stomach when she speak and does something that excites her to her core, whether it is talking about her dreams, chasing and reaching a goal or just get enthusiastic when the desire and magnitude of what makes her happy and which she is fanatical about, pours out of her like lava from a very active volcano.

She concedes that her being honest and vulnerable is not a weakness, but a strength, how candid she can be, as this is an extension of who she is, as she had to rip the masks and facades off, piece by piece, bit by bit, to be who she has become.

 

She admits that she loves fiercly, she wears her heart on her sleeve, she loves herself, who she once was, who she is now and who she is yet to become; love is what drives her, it is her language, the unspoken language that surrounds her and is reflected in her aura and energy that surrounds her.

 

She accepts that her weird sense of humour is what makes her funny and in most cases hilarious in her own right, that even when she mumbles and gets tongue-tied that what she tries to articulate still gets across; her words is just one way she communicates.

 

Being in Wonderland is making her comprehend all that she was, all that she has shed, from the negativity and self-doubt, to the insecurities and fear. Before she even leapt down that rabbit hole, she was already someone who would just blossom and flourish in this new environment, as she creates it as she moves along.

 

Like she promised him, she won’t ever change who she is, who she fought to become, who she is meant to be, because this is the version that she is supposed to be, and this is why he is so captivated by all that she is.

First week Fumbles

It’s been a little over a week into the New Year and maybe a lot has happened already, you know events that made you want to jump around and be ecstatically happy or the not so great moment that made you question if this was how the rest of the year would go. This is all possible, maybe you are part of those who felt the year kick off with a major bang, and two days into it, just had you questioning wtf and just making you more determined to change the course of the year.

 

Maybe you didn’t want to start the year off with a hand full of resolutions, because past experiences has taught you, to go about it on a day to day basis, I mean do you remember when you said you would go to gym; you ended up taking a selfie and just stopped going after the first day or week. So maybe you are just deciding to take a different approach, making a conscious decision to apply resolutions on a daily basis, allowing it to become a part, an extension of your everyday life and how you want to go about it. And it kinda works, it isn’t just a resolution anymore, it becomes, your goal, a desire, want and need that you consciously start to work towards as it becomes a part of who you are and want to be.

 

Maybe your new year started with a heartbreak, or just a break in something, the kind of break where someone decided to walk away from a relationship or situation that no longer serves them, where there is no more space to grow. Or maybe you were the one who walked away from a situation, because you were tackled by fear and over thinking and just because it seemed like the safest bet, even when you already knew that the only way it is supposed to play out, is for you to go through it. Maybe you realised in the first few week of the New Year that certain situations and relationships are just meant to be in your life at this specific time, no matter how crazy, foolish and dangerous it may seem and as much as you want to let go, you just get pulled in deeper. Whether you walked away or got walked out on, there is a lesson to be learnt, and if you decided to actually go through the motions, the only way out is through, it wouldn’t be easy, and maybe you will want to kick your own ass through the process, but if it sits right in your soul, it will be so worth it.

 

Maybe in the first week, you get reminded of your past, a past that you aren’t ashamed of anymore, no matter how shameful it was, because you owned up to every choice made, every action taken. You aren’t your past after all, but it did impact on who you are today, you learned from it, and every day you are striving to be a better version of yourself, to just be better than the person you were the previous day. So many times, actually most of the time, we get judged based on our past, judged by opinions others have of who we were in the past and this can ruin relationships that you might have in future. But this is the thing, if you want to talk about events that happened almost 10 years ago, do so, if you want to judge me based on who I was then, again, be my guest. But I know who I am now, I forgave myself for mistakes made and I learn from it on a daily basis, especially when it just randomly pops up and bites you in the ass. The thing is we are all just trying to be ourselves, and those people who actually deserve a spot in your life, won’t judge you, they might question your doctrine, but they will know and be aware that you aren’t your past, those who aren’t consumed by their ego’s that is.

 

Maybe in the first week of the New Year, you found new excitement, maybe you just received amazing news or you are just so positively inclined that being optimistic is the only way to go. Maybe you did something for the first time, something spontaneous that just made you feel that no matter how shitty the first week was, better times will definitely roll around. You know the part where you get pulled out of the car at a drive-thru by your friend, and you just starts dancing, and then your other friends join in, and it is just an absolutely amazing, thrilling feeling. The part where you are laughing so loud and literally just enjoying this dance party while waiting for your order. It is these moments that makes life bearable, it is the random, unexpected moments that just fill you up with so much love, joy, happiness and excitement.

 

So you may not have made resolutions, but you are becoming your goal, it is a part of you and taking and working at it on a daily basis. You may have wanted to walk from a situation, but you know that, that would have been true weakness and that this is a lesson your soul needs. You may have been reminded of your past, but hey you don’t live there anymore and those who remind you of that, deserves a place there, in the past. So maybe you had one of the best nights and moments ever that just sets the tone for the weeks to come, doing something for the first time, and just to let go and just embrace the now, no matter how silly or crazy. In the end we are all just trying to be ourselves.

25, im ready!!!

I once asked someone if they have ever looked at themselves in the mirror and just said “you are beautiful and amazing”, the response I got was almost as if I was a bit of a crazy person. I said this as a self-help/self-motivation tip, not to be conceited or coming across as being crazy by talking to oneself, but to genuinely just look at oneself and pointing out all the positive attributes about the self.

I recently (yesterday) turned the big 25, yes a quarter of a century, mid 20’s, officially closer to 30 than 20. As much as this big number terrifies me, it excites me, as much as it depressed me, it also pleased me. As my heart pounds with the terrifying thoughts that filled my mind, the thoughts and feelings that I didn’t achieve half of what my adolescent self would have wanted to achieve at this stage in my life. As my heart pounds a feeling of contentment flowed over me, a feeling of happiness, a feeling of gratitude, a feeling of immense joy, because I am alive, alive and discovered exactly what I am passionate about. I figured in my 18 year old mind, I would have the perfect job, amazing apartment or house, on the verge of getting married and be living the perfect fairy-tale. Do I have any of the above? Nope, am I unhappy because I do not? No

I am 25, not where I want to be, but I know and believe with every inch of my being that I am exactly at the right place that everything that happened was in preparation for what is to come.
I have learned that being beautiful is how you perceive the word beauty. If you see the magazines as the bible of what beauty is supposed to be, then good luck to you. If you cannot look at yourself in the mirror and say how amazingly beautiful you are without having the picture of a model in the back of your mind, reminding you that that’s what actual beauty are, you are losing the race. Learning that the face I see in the mirror, the face I have been looking at throughout my life, is the only face I have and it is beautiful. The smile that have wriggled through the darkest of moments, the eyes that was swollen because a flood of tears poured down the cheeks past the big nose and lips of someone who was unaccepting of herself. A face of a woman who had to mask all of her pain, her vulnerability to be strong and not come across as a weakling, now that is beauty. A face that could tell stories from a lifetime of unscripted, unrehearsed moments that can be seen in the eyes reflecting my soul. Every day I look at myself in the mirror, whether it be the face of looking like the night before or made up like a Christmas tree, I tell myself I’m beautiful. I am beautiful because I haven’t allowed bad relationships, bad comments, hurtful words, negative tongue lashings to keep me down in a pit of despair for too long, I got up and looked for the beauty in the bad, the positive in the negative and the love in the hurt.
Every day I look at myself and remind myself of the comment “you are a strong girl, I know you are” (ironic as this was said by a person breaking my heart), because I am, I am stronger than that failed relationship, I am stronger than a failed subject, I am stronger than the rejection of a goal not achieved or not being good enough, I am stronger than the helpless exterior I portray. Sometimes I just have to laugh at the irony, but I guess I couldn’t see all these things, because I allowed my cloudy vision to hide what it in my heart, my mind and my body, because of a pre-conceived idea of what beauty is and what I was supposed to be like. I always found it funny how people could tell me I am beautiful, because I couldn’t see it, I found it funny that people saw talent in me, which I couldn’t see, I found it funny that people could see greatness and possibilities in me, because well I couldn’t. In the back of my mind I always wondered how and why and I found the answers as soon as I looked at myself in the mirror cleared my cloudy vision, like fog disappearing, I found what made me, me.

I am 25 and I am an old soul (it’s a good thing), an old soul on the brink of new life, new achievements, new goals and new dreams. I am 25 and learned that the moment I saw myself as beautiful it started pouring out from within my soul into every aspect of my being, I have learned that I needed to be knocked down countless times in order for the light within to start shining through the cracks, before it started erupting like a volcano, to introduce to the world, the person I am supposed to be. Learning what an important role I play in the lives of others, whether it be that random smile, the unexpected text message, the shoulder to cry on, or in reality just literally being me. I have learned to not be proud and egotistical, being knocked down and torn down the cause for a lot of humiliation, especially when being boastful and proud is what I portray. I have learned that friendships can start in the most unexpected places, like the saying says one person’s trash is another person’s treasure, well I found amazing diamonds in the rubble. I have found that simplicity is what I am after, the sun on my face when it peeks through on a cloudy day, the shooting star crossing the sky when I just fell down, the laughter of a two year, the wishful and genuine words of people who actually care. I have found love in simplicity, in gratitude, in faith, and hope. I started seeing the beauty within my soul that the Almighty placed in my mother’s womb, I started seeing the love that parents have for their children and the bond between siblings that cannot be broken. I have learned to be the best me that I most possibly can be, still a diamond in the rough. I have found my passion and it’s been peeping through for years, but only now the time is right, the new season starts now, the new life starts now.

25 never felt and looked this good. So tonight I will look at myself in the mirror, smile and say how beautiful I am, how beautiful my soul is, how wonderful my talent is, that I am a strong woman, a strong individual, a strong soul. This is only the beginning, it won’t always be easy, but 25 years from now, I’ll look back, pat myself on the back, say I am beautiful and know all the lessons and preparations was well worth it. Ill remain on my knees, keep praying, keep believing, keep doing what I love, because this new life, I’m ready..