new journeys

 

The past few months has seriously been a rollercoaster of endings and new beginnings and just navigating through it all, is a rollercoaster ride all on its own.

 

Remember the times when it was all about 16^th birthday parties, confirmations to 18th birthday parties, matric dances, after parties, it kind of seem like a lifetime ago (well it is basically a decade ago). This was such an amazing time, also a time that the parties you attended were with friends who now 10 years on are still such a big part of your life. And then there was the infamous 21^st (coming of age) party season, wow now that is basically a whole chapter, nope, a book on its own. All of a sudden the years just seem to pass and all of a sudden it is all about engagement parties, weddings, baby showers and welcoming new arrivals. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that my own 21^st was 6years ago (when did I get this old) and here I am finding myself in a new season, a season that I need a new compass, map, GPS and throwing in Suri would be an amazing bonus.

The past few months I had the honour (and I seriously do believe it is one), to witness a couple of my friends start a wonderful new chapter in their lives, the journey of motherhood. It is always wonderful and astonishing to see a woman carrying something so spectacular in her womb, but the experience becomes more profound the closer the people are to you (or that is at least what I have experienced). And no I am not broody, lol okay maybe a tiny teeny little bit, but the miracle of life and to see what a beautiful change it brings in the lives of people who you have journeyed with for years is totally exceptional.

 

I think it is absolutely humbling to be a part of a journey like this, witnessing how your friends navigated the crazy teenage years, all the ups and major downs, the happiness and sad times and then just to see this extraordinary glow about them, it radiates warmth, comfort, happiness, joy and unconditional love. A glow that makes you so absolutely excited and overjoyed to be sharing with them. When we are younger we tend to imagine and daydream what it would be like when someone in the circle would were to have a baby, what attributes they would inherit from which parent and just how it would be. And then years later you find yourself in this position and reality is far more remarkable that could have been anticipated. It is seriously one of those instances where you realise that a greater force is responsible for all of this beauty, for all of this love, for all of this wonder.

 

New beginnings are usually so scary, because you don’t know what to expect, you don’t know how to act and react, how to feel and what not to feel, it is almost like searching for the light switch in the pitch black dark and only be relying on touch and instinct. What makes new beginnings worth it is when you have support of amazing people around you, who willingly, lovingly, selflessly walk this journey with you.

I cannot wait for the day when I too experience this new beginning when that little peanut is growing in my womb, but at this moment I am so absolutely completely content and in awe of the mothers that my friends have become, it seriously is life changing, it is that beautiful thing that you would want everyone to know that you are witnessing.

So it may have started with our 16^th parties and matric dances, but now it slips over to the new generation, the mini me’s, and to be completely honest this is a wonderful journey to be a part of, to see how people who have been part of your life for such a long time, start a new phase, a new journey, a new chapter and that you are there to walk this journey with them, to be a part of it all, and someday tell that little one what a joy they have brought to our lives.

 

The Kind Of Funny, weird, quirky, My kinda awesome

 

I don’t think it is funny. I don’t think that it is funny that I instantaneously started smiling as soon as I hear that voice. I wouldn’t say I am irritated, or mad, or playing a bit hard to get, speaking in that stern serious tone of voice, just to bring a point across, in actuality wanting to sounding all cool calm and collected.

In the mean-team as I say “Heloo”, you respond with that captivating happy sound that so effortlessly flow from your lips “Hi, how are you”; just there I could see that smile that captures you at every turn and each time engulfs you like the first, all this just by the sound of his voice.

Something weird always happens when I hear his voice, and it isn’t because I am quirky in my own right, it is just something that I think is super funny and it makes me smile and happy, because it makes me laugh, and guess who causes it…him.

I am bilingual and more than efficiently fluent in both, when I speak to him, it is almost as if the different wires that is connected in my brain, somehow gets crossed, it is like I have so many things that I want to tell him and want to say, that it all just wants to flow from my tongue in a ramble, as all the words formed wants an escape, but then when the words want to take form and escape my mouth, I start stuttering…

My English and Afrikaans gets mixed, I think in Afrikaans and speak in English and then I think in English and speak in Afrikaans, all in the matter of seconds, and my hearts starts beating with this busy ongoing in my mind, my cheeks start flustering, and I just smile.

Because in that moment you know exactly all that I want to say, you understand every sentence like it gets described and explained to the T, but I think the best part is that, you actually listen. The way you listen so intently to not just hear but to actually pay attending, to actually take note, even though the words fumbling from my lips are tangled up dilly utterances, you get it, you just get it.

 

I just don’t get how the sound of your voice, at the same time brings this serenity over me, this calm happy feeling, this glow that sprouts from within, a glow that is formed in the soul and gets pulled out only by vibes that echoes with the vibes that resonate with my soul.

And this is still just only by the sound of your voice, it is as if your voice touches every part of my senses, I not only hear you, but I listen to you, I listen to the words from your mouth, I see the smile on your voice, I feel the happiness in your voice, causing a smirk, causing cheeks to turn mauve, eyes to glisten, as if the energy gets transferred from you to me, as if instantaneously our vibe is the same.

I do think it is kind of cool that every phone call I have with you is kind of awesome, besides the fact that I feel it is weird and funny and quirky.

I think it is kind of cool, because every time it feels like one of the best conversations, no matter how short or long, it feels soothing and so gentle, it is like a calm to just quiet the ruffled. So even if it is weird and funny and quirky, it is my kind of cool, my kind of vibe, and my kind of awesome.

Just Feel it…(All the Feels)

 

Sometimes I just wish I could figure it all out, that the Universe would just instantaneously bombard me with all of the answers, but then I remember the only way out is through. And in this instance no matter how crazy it might seems and no matter how many times I go over it in my head (I tend to overthink, a lot), I have to experience all the feels and be present in this moment. I want to run away, kick myself in the butt, but running away from what you feel doesn’t help one bit, so suppressing all of these emotions won’t help one bit. The thing is it is such a happy emotion and I am experiencing all the feels, and you know what, I am actually happy.

 

So this above quote is exactly how I feel, or just a tiny bit of what I feel and trying to explain it seems so difficult, because I don’t know how.

 

Have you ever experienced a smile so fierce? Have someone ever just smiled at you, so genuinely, so pure and the way they smile totally reflects in their eyes (If the eyes doesn’t smile with the mouth, something indeed is wrong). It is almost as if that smile awakens something so deep within you, a smile that breaks down boundaries, that you have yourself questioning “What the F is happening”. That smile ignites a spark that doesn’t slowly but rapidly spreads like a wildfire; it spreads through every inch of your body and you know where it starts, in your heart. You can feel every beat of your heart, as it steadily increases, with every beat that spark just steadily starts to catch fire. Now the thing about this fire is, is that it is unlike any other intensity that you have ever experienced before. This fire is starting a revolution making any other spark that you may have ever felt before seem so dismal and mediocre. This fire is like a wildfire that usually happens in nature, when it burns out all of a forest and in turn makes way for new growth, making way for the beauty to once again grow, growing from the ruins.

 

Like a wildfire this fire starting in your heart may seem devastating, as it kindles feelings and emotions that may have been dormant, feelings that you may have thought you would never experiences, feelings only destined for the characters in your favourite movie or book. As this fire spreads, it burns away all of the walls you have once built up, it burns away all of the weeds, all the fears, doubts that you so willingly protected yourself with. It feels as if this fire will cause more destruction than anything else, I mean it brings up emotions that you would rather not deal with, because not dealing with it and not feeling it, just feels better and seems easier (having suppressed these feelings for so long and covering with fear, was your safety net, that is about to be burnt to ashes). And guess what this fire so effortlessly burns away all of the fear, as excruciating as it may seem, the deliverance feels much more amazing, it feels freeing, and you wonder how it is possible that for so long you didn’t want to give way to these feelings.

 

This fire is the ending and the new beginning. This fire burns away all of the walls, emotions and feelings that you have protected yourself with for so long, because you were just so afraid of getting hurt and after a while you just stopped feeling. This fire ignites and gives way for all those emotions to come forth once again, by burning down all of the “protective” feelings and giving rise to the stagnant feelings. Just like a Phoenix rising from its ashes, these emotions are now free to resurface, unrestricted, unhindered, to flourish beyond the fear that was once the forefront of it all.

 

This fire destroys all the feelings that you used to protect yourself with, to give rise to all that you have been suppressing, hiding and didn’t want to feel. This fire gives birth to a heart, a heart open to love again, a heart filled with passion, a heart ready, without restrictions, a heart that rose from its own ashes, sparked by that simple beautiful smile, a heart prepared to embrace all the love that it is about to receive, all started and sparked by that smile.

Let It Go (Own Advice)

 

If someone could just tell me why it is so difficult to follow one’s own advice? I mean not that as if I am sitting around being- ask “Miss JO” or “Agony Aunt” or as if I am dishing out advice to anyone who seems in need of it. But is so easy to dish out spoonful’s of advice to others and yet when one has to take that same advice, it is as if there is a short circuit somewhere in the brain, almost like load shedding, it just isn’t that easy to do and take. I totally and utterly suck when it comes to following my own advice, okay, let me be honest; I do give some killer advice and a mean pep-talk, but somehow sometimes I just don’t want to take my own.

 

I recently had this nagging feeling that there are certain things in my life that I need to let go off, and of course my horoscope also kept on referring to that as well. For some or other reason I always thought that I had let that thing go, but to my surprise (not as if it was really a surprise) I haven’t. It is one of those situations where it unconsciously controls certain aspects of your life that you aren’t even aware off. I never really addressed this issue, because I mean I was so over it and I kind of made peace with it in my own way, and guess what, I didn’t.

 

So what triggered this “event” where I decided to address the hidden issue and follow my own advice?

 

I like to binge watch series (that is literally one of my guilty pleasures), and I came across Being Mary Jane. Well I won’t give away the plot and what it is about, but I personally think that whatever books we read, programs we watch, we all interpret it in different ways. There is of course a central message in the story or plot, but just as unique as you are, that is the unique experience or message you take away from whatever medium it is that you dealt with and came into contact with.

But anyway back to my explanation, as I was watching this series, the issue of letting go pops up, a lot…so this literally had me thinking about my life, or certain aspects that I mask so good, situations I dealt with but not to the point of actually letting it go (and yet I wondered why some states had me by the balls), sweeping things under the carpet per say. So I realised that I have to start taking my own advice, I can so easily tell someone else how to approach a situation and how to deal with it (experience of course), but when I have to do it myself, it is F’n difficult.

 

So I just decided to put my big girl panties on and follow my own advice (also what I took from the series) and start letting go of things that is silently dragging me down and pulling me back. The moment you start to tell yourself to let go, you start to look for far-fetched reasons not to, telling yourself that you have it under control, that you don’t have a problem (admitting that is a problem is crucial), but at the end of the day, the way your heart, mind and soul feels, will tell you, that you have to let it go.

 

For 9 years I have been holding on to something, obviously I thought I let it go a long time ago, I mean, I dealt with it in my own way or should I say the “mature” way at that time, I gave myself a pep-talk and figured I was over it. But a few weeks ago I just came to the realisation that unconsciously I have been holding on to this particular situation, decisions I have made, words I have spoken and the way I defended or hid the true nature of what was actually going on. I guess I just realised if I didn’t let it go now, the next 9years would revolt in a more toxic condition, and instead of moving on, this back and forth would continue and I would just keep on being stuck in this quicksand that already swallowed me whole.

 

So how did listening to my own advice help me?

I decided to be honest with myself, being honest with oneself is probably one of the hardest things to do, we are preconceived to wear masks and show a façade, but that moment when we take that mask off and look ourselves in the mirror, who looks back at us? What truth is revealed?  The moment I started being honest with myself, I realised the reason why I haven’t truly let this go, was because somehow I was still hoping that there was a slight chance that things would and could change (dumb right? nope). I realised that I was so fixated on emotions that I think I felt or might have felt, that I was willing to settle for the least, just so I didn’t fully have to let it go, I realised that I still care more than I was aware off. I realised that I love and appreciate myself more than anything and that this subconscious sweeping under the carpet of this situation doesn’t resonate with the person that I fought so hard to become. I realised by being honest with myself I gained the power to be honest with those around me, to not apologise for what I feel and why I do, I realised that I was the one who chose to stay in this position, because it was familiar, because letting go would mean that it truly will be the end.

I just realised that it is okay to let it go, to let go of the constant back and forth, the swings and misses, hanging onto something, a feeling, that will slowly kill parts of you and will let you miss out on what is already in your life and that yet to come. By letting go, you are taking a leap of Faith (and having Faith has also been prominent lately), by letting go, you are freeing yourself, by letting go you regain power, by letting go and basically just free falling, is exactly when you start spreading your wings and flying.

Then you have yourself saying “I should have taken my own advice a long time ago- as the tears turns to smiles, because no matter what, faith”.

baked- The Recipe

 

I was baking a cake the other day and I was reading the recipe over and over again, not because I didn’t understand it or that it didn’t make sense to me, I just had a bit of epiphany. Now you should know, I do bake a lot, I personally don’t have a sweet tooth (except for a certain time of the month), I just find baking so relaxing whether I am happy or sad, frustrated, angry, joyous, I guess I just find my zen when I’m pouring all my feelings into something so delicate and in a sense, I find myself.

 

I find it so interesting how one recipe can turn out in various different ways. I also watch a lot of cooking shows like The Great British Bake Off (the South African version as well) and Koekedoor (an Afrikaans baking competition). How many times have the different competitors been given the exact same recipe, the exact same ingredients, the exact same equipment and yet, no two end products will look exactly alike. Kind of weird and interesting at the same time, so this is kind of where I had my mini-epiphany (I have been getting a lot of those lately). I just realised that the recipe is kind of like a blue-print we have to life, or it is almost like a guide which we need to follow to reach our end goal, desire, destiny, whatever you choose to call it, but what we don’t always realise, is that in the end, it is exactly what it is, only a guideline. Take a simple recipe for instance, you can measure all the ingredients so accurately, you can follow the instructions bit by bit, word for word and yet in the end have your cake burnt, it can be raw, or look like it was hit by a train on steroids.

 

Thing is or what I realised is, that you can follow the recipe to the T, but that doesn’t mean that it would turn out the way you are expecting it too or like the picture in the book. We must put our own flair to the already existent recipe, like add a bit of flavour, a bit of sass and pizazz, it is about putting ones emotions into it, to really feel and be aware, and just because it looks like a fool proof recipe, doesn’t mean that it won’t flop. If I think about the scones and cakes that I have burnt, because I just wanted to keep it in a little longer and I ended up with burnt goods that tasted more like charcoal than what it is supposed to taste like. If I think of the cakes with “holes” in the middle, because I maybe over-mixed the batter or undermixed.

 

I guess it is trial and error, the guidelines is set for us to kind of have it easier, but it doesn’t mean that the guidelines are set in stone and that you cannot put your own personal flair on things. I guess in baking and the same in life, the moment we decide to be bold and unafraid of trying something new, adding that dash of cinnamon, or replacing the milk with cream, whether it be singing while whisking the eggs and sugar, or crying when you add that pinch of salt, it is about finding a balance that works for you, a balance that makes you feel good, a balance that makes your soul happy. Even if that cake flops for the 5^th or 10^th time it doesn’t mean it won’t ever look like the picture in the book; maybe it just means that it isn’t supposed to look like that picture, maybe you are supposed to create something new and different, maybe you are supposed to go outside of the guidelines and add and remove things as you go along, because in the end it is a part of you, your love, your emotions.

You can either stick to the recipe or create your own, because it is a guideline, but it needs your creativity and boldness to make the best product that it can be. So even if that recipe seems to suck, add your flavour and feel, and let’s see how that turns out.

Leap Down the Rabbit Hole- Part 1

She found herself like Alice in Wonderland, somewhere, somehow she tumbled down that rabbit hole. How it all happened she cannot say, how she stumbled or decided to jump down that hole she also cannot say, but she knows for certain that she wasn’t pushed…she knew that down that hole a whole new world and experience was waiting for her…she was urged by her gut, to just take that leap of faith. Before she took that leap/jump, or whatever you want to call it, she wasn’t certain of anything, but one thing she knew for certain was, that down that hole, everything that she always wanted and desired was waiting on her.

 

She was in a place where she was living her day to day life, you know the monotonous, everyday routine stuff that she got so accustomed too, that just the idea of doing something out of the ordinary scared her senseless. Until that beautiful sunny day, that beautiful sunny day that she wanted to spend indoors, and until this day she believes that it was the universe that or castrated her fall down the rabbit hole. Maybe at that moment she wasn’t fully aware of what going down that rabbit hole entailed, but some sense of freedom, a feeling of content just washed over her and she knew that no matter what was to happen and also what wasn’t supposed to happen, that she would be okay with any outcome.

 

As she jumped down the hole, she was met by the Hatter (the modern kind, but still just as fabulously colorful as she has read all her life). The Hatter reassured her that all she had to do was be herself and the pathway would open up to her without obstacles, obviously she doubted this, but that butterflies in her stomach whispered to her that being herself is all that she had to be and that, that would be her compass to follow the crooked road without any obstacles. She knew from experience that being her true and genuine self, the self that she was comfortable with, was the only self that she wanted anyone to know. She knew that she didn’t need to pretend to be brave or even afraid, because her face and emotions she wore on her sleeve and by being just who she was, was more than enough. Okay so this all might sound extremely weird and freaky, but this a modern day type of fairy tale, nah it isn’t a fairy tale, it is true life after all. As she started walking down that path all she was certain off, was that in that moment she didn’t want to be anywhere else, she knew that this would be the start of things that she has only experienced in her dreams; things that her 13 old self secretly wrote down in the diary which said “Private-DO NOT READ, on the cover” and dated to perfection.

 

There wasn’t any obstacles that first day, or that is what she figured, but the obstacles came in subtle ways, ways where she had to make split second decisions, decisions that always bothered her, because for some reason she always had the ability to make the wrong one. But down this path when faced with making a decision she figured the puzzle out in an instant, she listened to her intuition, that made all the difference, she started listened to her gut, to that voice that she always avoided because she was scared that she couldn’t always control certain or all situations. This day she just went with it and knew that this path would lead her exactly where she wanted to be. To her it seemed absolutely crazy, but yet so right at the same time, upside down, inside out, topsy turvy, yet to her it made sense, clear as daylight basically.

 

As the day went on she never questioned the choice she made to jump down that rabbit hole, because it was as if everything just fell into place, the pieces of the puzzle just started to fit, as if it just miraculously just made sense, even though the whole picture wasn’t even close to completion. As the morning turned to night, her heart was content, she was happy and she couldn’t explain why, but maybe it had something to do with that heart that she lost years ago, the heart that she picked up piece by piece when it crumbled into a thousand pieces, the heart she slowly pasted together and wrapped in wire, the heart she kept hidden behind high walls.

 

All she knows is that as the day progressed, her smile got bigger with every step she took, her eyes sparkled like they haven’t done before, her heart started pounding in a way that she wasn’t familiar with, as the sun set, and she knew she wouldn’t ever be the same. It might have been the day, it might also have been that she saw a glimpse of what was to come, or the taste it left on her lips, the feel it left on her skin, the smile it left on her face, or even her heartbeat; but it was then when she knew she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, just in that moment with the stars floating like fireflies and the moon illuminating a spotlight on them, she knew.

She knew that this was her rabbit hole, she knew that this is her road to travel, she knew that this road would make her walls come crumbling down, brick by brick, but she knew when her eyes met his when she still came to her sense as she landed on the grass; she knew he is and would be the one who not only travels the road with her to completion, but she knew that this was only day one, the start of an adventure that she couldn’t have dreamt off. This was her new beginning.

control in vulnerability

 

So many times we are so used to being in control, being in control of our emotions, how we react, what we should and shouldn’t feel, that the moment when we cannot control the situation it feels like things are spinning out of control (okay, not really spinning out of control), but not being able to be in full control kind of sends one into a frenzy. I always like to be in control, in control of how and what I feel, in control of what I do and do not do, in control of how I react and do not react, and as soon as it seems as if I am losing just a tiny bit of a grip on the control I have, well I guess being vulnerable has never been a strong suit. I actually think being vulnerable is why we so badly hold on to being in control, because being totally exposed and defenceless is enough to make anyone go crazy.

 

So what does being vulnerable actually mean? I can only speak for myself and what it means to me and how it applies to not most, but certain situations I might have been exposed to. Fear is actually one of those things that keep us from being vulnerable, it is actually the biggest reason, the fear of the unknown, the fear of what if, the fear of being open and exposed, having no control over how things unfold and not being able to predict what route things will take and how it will work out. So basically fear is the reason why I always want to be in control, because what will happen if just for a second I let go of those reigns that so tightly pull the heart strings together, the reigns that tug the overthinking mind together, the reigns that just keep everything together. Being so used to not only be in control, but being strong and putting on a façade and hiding all the vulnerable pieces behind a sturdy exterior only to be breaking down on the inside, filled with turmoil and what if’s and why not’s when you actually know, that maybe this is the one time that you shouldn’t be in control, that being vulnerable is the way to gain control, the right kind of control.

 

Being vulnerable means, being defenceless and unguarded, it means to let go and despite fear be open to that which we do not have control over; because losing or letting go of control can actually be the beginning of actually being in control (it might sound weird, but it actually makes sense). To be vulnerable doesn’t mean that you are weak, it actually means that you are strong enough to own up to what scares you, admitting how and why you feel a certain way, why you do not necessarily say the things that you want to say or why you actually do say the things that you do. Being vulnerable means that you overcome the fear that holds you back, that makes you question why you feel the way you, the fear that it just doesn’t make sense because I mean really now, how? Being vulnerable means that you take a chance despite every logical explanation your in control self gives you, it means to face the fear that scares you so badly it actually freaks you out. Being vulnerable means that no matter how things will go or end, that just once letting go and not being in control gives the space to overcome not only your fear of losing control but finding strength in being exposed, raw and honest.

 

Being vulnerable kind of reminds me of the relationship between Christian Grey and Anastacia Steele; this man who is so dominating, always getting his way, always being in control and then this woman enters his life and shit, there it goes. Bit by bit he gets exposed, becoming vulnerable despite his best efforts to be in control, but hey being vulnerable kind of looks hot on him (it is Christian everything looks Hot on him). That is also the song by The Weeknd- Earned it, which is the theme song for the movie, but there is a verse that personally to me describes the being in control and vulnerable situation.

“On that lonely night, we said it wouldn’t be love but we felt the rush, It made us believe it was only us (only us) , Convinced we were broken inside (shit), inside (shit)”

Being in control doesn’t necessarily mean that you are strong and actually in control, and being vulnerable doesn’t mean that you are weak and helpless. In overcoming the fear of being vulnerable is where we find our control.

lyrically and rhythm based

 

There is a saying that when you listen to someone’s playlist, it tells you a lot about who that person is. By that it means that the music we choose to listen to both on a conscious and unconscious level; it reveals who we are, it reveals words, feelings and emotions that we gravitate towards, also what makes us feel good and mostly what we cannot and don’t want to put in sentences. So thank goodness for music that resonates with the heart and soul, music that says all that we do not want to say.

 

I have this thing whenever I share a certain song, or listen to it for the first time, I first listen to it a few times and just allow it to move through my body, allowing it to enter my psyche and touch each and every sense in my being. After that I read the words, trying to get an understanding of the message that the writer wants to bring across, feeling the words and phrases, indulging in the art form that is lyrically based. There is a difference between just hearing music and actually listening to it; I mean how many times have you listened to a song and you just listened to the beat? But do remember that even creating a beat is also an art form all on its own, it finds a way to capture ones attention, to have ones ears tingling, getting hands and feet tapping and sending the body into a frenzy of moves created by rhythmic rhythms that just grabs one on so many levels.

 

Listening to a or certain song is more than just therapeutic, it can change ones entire mood and emotional state, it can change an extremely bad day to a wonderful one, when that empowering song just electrifies every cell in your body and touches the happy bone and just makes all the negativity flow out as the positivity flows in. one song, just one, can transport you back into time, to a memory that you stored in the back of your brain and all of a sudden, you can feel how you felt on that day, who wore what, smell the fragrance that enticed you so badly and feel exactly how you felt when that song usually came on. A song serves as a memory almost like a photograph, bringing back wonderful or sad emotions, makes you think about people who no longer is a part of your life or those who were there through the Venga Boys, ‘N Sync and now 1Direction phase.

 

Music makes us aware of our surroundings on so many different levels. How many times have you switched on the radio, tv or you ipod and all of a sudden a song comes on that literally explains how you are feeling at that specific time and your only reaction is, how did this artist know? It is almost as if they wrote it specifically for you, this is one of the best feelings, when you cannot make sense of what and how you feel and a song just comes around and knocks it out of the park for you. I know there was a time when everywhere I went I heard Ironic- Alanis Morissette, I was kind of freaked out at first, but the lyric genius that went into that song, spoke to me and made sense to me in a way that I never seemed possible.

 

Music deems as a muse, a muse for everyday life, a muse to make life better on so many levels, to make sense of what went wrong, what is and what will be. Music is a mouth-piece for all that is unsaid, for all that needs to be said, for just all that is. It is kind of difficult to explain but it is something you just have to feel and allow it to move through every nerve that stretches from your head to your toes, allow it to enter your mind, your heart, your soul and basically just do its thing, and well, that is it.

 

Have you ever just discussed a song, hearing different interpretations and reasoning that it may have? And that discussion alone makes you feel as if you saw a whole other dimension that you wouldn’t even have thought to seek or look at on your own? That is the power of music, the variety you choose to listen to and those you choose to share, to share a bit of wisdom that is implanted within you.  I am a music addict, whether it is Hip-Hop, Soul, R&B, Pop, whatever, as long as it speaks to my soul, empowers me, conveys a message that I believe in and speaks for me when I cannot find the words, it inspires me, it is my muse, it is an art form that I draw from and create my art from.

 

Whenever it soothes my soul, makes me feel a feeling so familiar and even unfamiliar, it the lyrical and rhythmic art that accelerates my art, my being, who I am and who I am to become.

 

feeling it…

Really Adele how do you come into my life after basically five years and your songs just hit me, single after single. Maybe I have been experiencing this dormant feeling for a while and then you sing one song, just one line, makes it all come crashing down. Just one fucking song.

 

But hey I was fully aware of what would happen, yeah I knew, and No I wasn’t oblivious. I guess my heart and soul was just ready, ready to accept what was supposed to enter. I fucking hate it though, because I was never this fucking weak, I was never this emotional, I wasn’t like this.

 

I cannot settle for being just friends, when I know that I don’t want that. It is so fucked up though, fucked up in the sense that I am fully aware of what I said and fucked up that I said what I wanted, coz hey, I don’t need you, I want you.

 

You are just bad for me, you always have been, yet, I knew this, but hey friendship seems so appealing. Yeah, just friendship…but I am still losing one of the bestest friends I have ever had, yeah that is so true…

 

So yeah…we are all just trying to be our best, the best selves we can be, and maybe sometimes we just have to let go, maybe we just have to let go, to save ourselves, to protect our hearts, what we feel, what we feel, desire and want.

 

Maybe, the experience will be enough, maybe that moment would have been suffice, but hey we know that, that moment you laid it all on the line, you just couldn’t anymore…

 

But hey you tried, you opened your heart, your mind, your being to another person, and yeah it didn’t work out, coz fuck knows nothing was supposed to work out in the first place. Because friends was all it supposed to me, just fucking friends, that is all…But yeah, shit happens. So yeah….learning experiences, we need that…

 

So yeah, maybe you will make it look like it is magic, but that is just what it is, it just looks like magic…

it is something…

 

I know that this is something where it is impossible to just dip your toes in the water and being satisfied with the perfectly cool water awakening senses.

It is something where you want to jump in and feel every part of you being awakened and engulfed with this indescribable, yet enticing excitement of a feeling.

 

I know that this isn’t just something that crosses one’s mind for no reason, that this isn’t just a trigger for an overactive-overthinking mind to go round in circles.

It is something that totally wrecks the brains, weighing the pros and cons, pulling the mind in all different directions and still, just coming to one conclusion.

 

I know that this isn’t just a manner to pass the time, to fill voids, a way to keep minds and bodies occupied for only a mere second, a minute or however long it needs to be.

It is something that consists out of time, something that cannot be measured by a phase, a stage or a period, something that just flows in and out of time.

 

I know that this isn’t just something where any sort of logical reason can be applied, not a part where 1 + 1 = 2, where rationality runs back and forth in a never ending maze.

It is something that in an irrational way is just so rational, it is the confusing in logic, the madness in reality that causes the authenticity to give rise what is truly hidden.

 

I know that this isn’t something that can be written and played out in a specific order, where road signs are just a reminder of the path you are travelling on.

It is something that consumes the parts of order and how the road is supposed to go, it is like taking a road trip, driving to wherever the road decides to end.

 

It is something that inexcusably engulfs every last sense that unsettles the logical hows and whys; like a volcano erupting, captivating and beautiful as lava pours down, the same way it explodes inside, opening what has been hidden

It is something that cannot be explained by letters and numbers, it is something that is felt in the tips of the fingers, the crown of the head, the tip of the tongue, the glisten of an eye, the touch of lips and the rhythmic beating of a heart.