Just Feel it…(All the Feels)

 

Sometimes I just wish I could figure it all out, that the Universe would just instantaneously bombard me with all of the answers, but then I remember the only way out is through. And in this instance no matter how crazy it might seems and no matter how many times I go over it in my head (I tend to overthink, a lot), I have to experience all the feels and be present in this moment. I want to run away, kick myself in the butt, but running away from what you feel doesn’t help one bit, so suppressing all of these emotions won’t help one bit. The thing is it is such a happy emotion and I am experiencing all the feels, and you know what, I am actually happy.

 

So this above quote is exactly how I feel, or just a tiny bit of what I feel and trying to explain it seems so difficult, because I don’t know how.

 

Have you ever experienced a smile so fierce? Have someone ever just smiled at you, so genuinely, so pure and the way they smile totally reflects in their eyes (If the eyes doesn’t smile with the mouth, something indeed is wrong). It is almost as if that smile awakens something so deep within you, a smile that breaks down boundaries, that you have yourself questioning “What the F is happening”. That smile ignites a spark that doesn’t slowly but rapidly spreads like a wildfire; it spreads through every inch of your body and you know where it starts, in your heart. You can feel every beat of your heart, as it steadily increases, with every beat that spark just steadily starts to catch fire. Now the thing about this fire is, is that it is unlike any other intensity that you have ever experienced before. This fire is starting a revolution making any other spark that you may have ever felt before seem so dismal and mediocre. This fire is like a wildfire that usually happens in nature, when it burns out all of a forest and in turn makes way for new growth, making way for the beauty to once again grow, growing from the ruins.

 

Like a wildfire this fire starting in your heart may seem devastating, as it kindles feelings and emotions that may have been dormant, feelings that you may have thought you would never experiences, feelings only destined for the characters in your favourite movie or book. As this fire spreads, it burns away all of the walls you have once built up, it burns away all of the weeds, all the fears, doubts that you so willingly protected yourself with. It feels as if this fire will cause more destruction than anything else, I mean it brings up emotions that you would rather not deal with, because not dealing with it and not feeling it, just feels better and seems easier (having suppressed these feelings for so long and covering with fear, was your safety net, that is about to be burnt to ashes). And guess what this fire so effortlessly burns away all of the fear, as excruciating as it may seem, the deliverance feels much more amazing, it feels freeing, and you wonder how it is possible that for so long you didn’t want to give way to these feelings.

 

This fire is the ending and the new beginning. This fire burns away all of the walls, emotions and feelings that you have protected yourself with for so long, because you were just so afraid of getting hurt and after a while you just stopped feeling. This fire ignites and gives way for all those emotions to come forth once again, by burning down all of the “protective” feelings and giving rise to the stagnant feelings. Just like a Phoenix rising from its ashes, these emotions are now free to resurface, unrestricted, unhindered, to flourish beyond the fear that was once the forefront of it all.

 

This fire destroys all the feelings that you used to protect yourself with, to give rise to all that you have been suppressing, hiding and didn’t want to feel. This fire gives birth to a heart, a heart open to love again, a heart filled with passion, a heart ready, without restrictions, a heart that rose from its own ashes, sparked by that simple beautiful smile, a heart prepared to embrace all the love that it is about to receive, all started and sparked by that smile.

Leap Down the Rabbit Hole- Part 1

She found herself like Alice in Wonderland, somewhere, somehow she tumbled down that rabbit hole. How it all happened she cannot say, how she stumbled or decided to jump down that hole she also cannot say, but she knows for certain that she wasn’t pushed…she knew that down that hole a whole new world and experience was waiting for her…she was urged by her gut, to just take that leap of faith. Before she took that leap/jump, or whatever you want to call it, she wasn’t certain of anything, but one thing she knew for certain was, that down that hole, everything that she always wanted and desired was waiting on her.

 

She was in a place where she was living her day to day life, you know the monotonous, everyday routine stuff that she got so accustomed too, that just the idea of doing something out of the ordinary scared her senseless. Until that beautiful sunny day, that beautiful sunny day that she wanted to spend indoors, and until this day she believes that it was the universe that or castrated her fall down the rabbit hole. Maybe at that moment she wasn’t fully aware of what going down that rabbit hole entailed, but some sense of freedom, a feeling of content just washed over her and she knew that no matter what was to happen and also what wasn’t supposed to happen, that she would be okay with any outcome.

 

As she jumped down the hole, she was met by the Hatter (the modern kind, but still just as fabulously colorful as she has read all her life). The Hatter reassured her that all she had to do was be herself and the pathway would open up to her without obstacles, obviously she doubted this, but that butterflies in her stomach whispered to her that being herself is all that she had to be and that, that would be her compass to follow the crooked road without any obstacles. She knew from experience that being her true and genuine self, the self that she was comfortable with, was the only self that she wanted anyone to know. She knew that she didn’t need to pretend to be brave or even afraid, because her face and emotions she wore on her sleeve and by being just who she was, was more than enough. Okay so this all might sound extremely weird and freaky, but this a modern day type of fairy tale, nah it isn’t a fairy tale, it is true life after all. As she started walking down that path all she was certain off, was that in that moment she didn’t want to be anywhere else, she knew that this would be the start of things that she has only experienced in her dreams; things that her 13 old self secretly wrote down in the diary which said “Private-DO NOT READ, on the cover” and dated to perfection.

 

There wasn’t any obstacles that first day, or that is what she figured, but the obstacles came in subtle ways, ways where she had to make split second decisions, decisions that always bothered her, because for some reason she always had the ability to make the wrong one. But down this path when faced with making a decision she figured the puzzle out in an instant, she listened to her intuition, that made all the difference, she started listened to her gut, to that voice that she always avoided because she was scared that she couldn’t always control certain or all situations. This day she just went with it and knew that this path would lead her exactly where she wanted to be. To her it seemed absolutely crazy, but yet so right at the same time, upside down, inside out, topsy turvy, yet to her it made sense, clear as daylight basically.

 

As the day went on she never questioned the choice she made to jump down that rabbit hole, because it was as if everything just fell into place, the pieces of the puzzle just started to fit, as if it just miraculously just made sense, even though the whole picture wasn’t even close to completion. As the morning turned to night, her heart was content, she was happy and she couldn’t explain why, but maybe it had something to do with that heart that she lost years ago, the heart that she picked up piece by piece when it crumbled into a thousand pieces, the heart she slowly pasted together and wrapped in wire, the heart she kept hidden behind high walls.

 

All she knows is that as the day progressed, her smile got bigger with every step she took, her eyes sparkled like they haven’t done before, her heart started pounding in a way that she wasn’t familiar with, as the sun set, and she knew she wouldn’t ever be the same. It might have been the day, it might also have been that she saw a glimpse of what was to come, or the taste it left on her lips, the feel it left on her skin, the smile it left on her face, or even her heartbeat; but it was then when she knew she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, just in that moment with the stars floating like fireflies and the moon illuminating a spotlight on them, she knew.

She knew that this was her rabbit hole, she knew that this is her road to travel, she knew that this road would make her walls come crumbling down, brick by brick, but she knew when her eyes met his when she still came to her sense as she landed on the grass; she knew he is and would be the one who not only travels the road with her to completion, but she knew that this was only day one, the start of an adventure that she couldn’t have dreamt off. This was her new beginning.

Just Friends…

 

As I want to pour my emotions, pour out what I feel and make it known.

As I want to put into words what I want to say, all the sayings just turn into gibberish and I don’t knows.

As I want my tongue to freely speak a language that comes from within, I just turn mute.

As I want to honestly open up without being afraid, fear gets the better of me.

 

As I deny, it becomes a constant battle between what is said and what is unsaid.

As I admittedly admit the inimitable, a soothing calmness pours over me.

As thoughts float through my mind, created and inspired by the same thing that makes me fearful, yet makes my heart skip a beat.

 

As this grows, blossoming into the unknown, maturing from a seedling to a sprouting familiarity.

As words gets less, emotions gets more; as walls are broken down to vulnerability being the natural real state.

 

As this causes turmoil within, the what if’s, the why not’s, the why this. It also brings assurance in the weirdest kind of way and you find comfort in these words… We are just friends.

 

the Zone that is friendship

 

“We should be friends”, with this statement you literally just got friend zoned (yeah, it sucks) or this is the statement that masks you from all that cannot or is chosen not to be said.

 

Have you ever told someone that you should just be friends? And why did you do that? because you seriously don’t have any romantic feeling whatsoever towards them or because you value your friendship so much that you just cannot bear the thought of losing this what you have with this person. It is rare when you find a friend that you connect with one so many different levels (and I do not mean the Nick Jonas song), but it is rare when you actually find an intellectual mind that stimulates your thoughts that it actually makes your brain hurt. It is so rare that you find a person who you just feel so extremely comfortable with, so safe, so just content with, it is a weirdly different type of feeling. Have you ever just felt so in sync with someone (and no I don’t mean the boy band, coz who didn’t love Justin), that when your thoughts translates into reality, it is almost like a genie planted a seed into their minds, yeah, apparently inception is real.

 

Having someone tell you that you should just be friends sucks, it fucking sucks, coz I mean, who the heck wants to be friends with someone when they really really (like in a teenage way) like that person. But sometimes the feeling just isn’t mutual and friendship is all there is. But what do you do when you know that being friend zoned is just a protection mechanism? I mean friendship is easier, it isn’t a hassle, it basically is what it is (when you take into account that you consciously try to hide the chemistry, what already happened and what still may), a friendship, platonic at best. What happens when you both decide that friendship takes preference, that this is what will last and in the long run will be the best and make the most sense.

 

But really what happens when you decide to take the friendship route with someone who you know is making such a significant impact in your life; the friendship takes preference. If you think rationally about it, it makes all the sense in the world to be just  friends, you enjoy every part of what you are presented with, the intellect, the sarcasm, the jokes, etc, basically everything that you crave for, except the part that you really want. It is just easier to friendzone someone because you are so afraid of the unknown, afraid of what will be, in a week, in a month, in a year, that the safer option would be just to not allow that part to impact you. It is one of those moments where you want to see how far you can push the friendship thing and not allow your romantic feelings to come into play, but just imagine the person you like, being with someone else? Reaction…? That is how you know. How far can you push the friendship when a song comes on the radio and both of you are silenced…silenced because what you do not want to say, the song just said. Maybe you want to live in the now and be realistic and know that what is happening now, is supposed to be and should be just as it is. Maybe you want to think about the what if’s, the maybe’s, but it is so frightening, that what you decided on doing is the safest, best option.

 

Maybe being friendzoned isn’t just because someone isn’t into you the way you are into them, maybe it is because they are exactly into you the way you are into them. Maybe the safest option is just to remove all romantic feelings and actions and just enjoy the relationship for what it is, maybe the fear of the unknown is just too much, and maybe it is just better. Maybe being friends is just better, no complications, no worries, just taking things as they come, no expectations.

 

So…just friends… she looks at him, he looks at her… Both with so much emotion in their eyes… it is what it is.

It will play out just the way it is supposed to be, no expectations, no rush, just authentic feelings of what is and how it is supposed to be, friendship or something more.

it is something…

 

I know that this is something where it is impossible to just dip your toes in the water and being satisfied with the perfectly cool water awakening senses.

It is something where you want to jump in and feel every part of you being awakened and engulfed with this indescribable, yet enticing excitement of a feeling.

 

I know that this isn’t just something that crosses one’s mind for no reason, that this isn’t just a trigger for an overactive-overthinking mind to go round in circles.

It is something that totally wrecks the brains, weighing the pros and cons, pulling the mind in all different directions and still, just coming to one conclusion.

 

I know that this isn’t just a manner to pass the time, to fill voids, a way to keep minds and bodies occupied for only a mere second, a minute or however long it needs to be.

It is something that consists out of time, something that cannot be measured by a phase, a stage or a period, something that just flows in and out of time.

 

I know that this isn’t just something where any sort of logical reason can be applied, not a part where 1 + 1 = 2, where rationality runs back and forth in a never ending maze.

It is something that in an irrational way is just so rational, it is the confusing in logic, the madness in reality that causes the authenticity to give rise what is truly hidden.

 

I know that this isn’t something that can be written and played out in a specific order, where road signs are just a reminder of the path you are travelling on.

It is something that consumes the parts of order and how the road is supposed to go, it is like taking a road trip, driving to wherever the road decides to end.

 

It is something that inexcusably engulfs every last sense that unsettles the logical hows and whys; like a volcano erupting, captivating and beautiful as lava pours down, the same way it explodes inside, opening what has been hidden

It is something that cannot be explained by letters and numbers, it is something that is felt in the tips of the fingers, the crown of the head, the tip of the tongue, the glisten of an eye, the touch of lips and the rhythmic beating of a heart.

heart and mind

How do you win a battle between heart and mind?

How do you make sense of what comes from the heart and what the mind conjures up?

How do you fight between the heart that knows what it wants and the mind rationalising all that it comprehends.

It comes down to the unexplainable sensation that ripples through your body when a single note, a familiar whiff, one reference, which allows the heart to blossom against all rationality.

It comes down to the instant flash of memory that unconsciously takes you back to that place of reminiscing, only to reasonably stop and just remain a memory.

The louder the mind speaks, strategically and smartly lining up and appealing what it wants, needs, craves…

The heart gives a thump, a thump to make known the wants, needs and craving of it desires…

The louder the mind, the faster the heartbeat, the rational mind versus the impulsive heart, what feels right and what is right.

It comes down to little doubt accidentally planted in the rational mind, maintaining the well thought out story, as safe as it comes

It comes down to the impulsive heart that no rationality can explain, just the incredible sensation that no safety net is required.

It comes down to listening and feeling the heart, to lose control of rationality and just exploring what it say. To the reasonable mind to just let go and make sense even the unexplainable and not so sensible.

It comes down to the fight between the rational mind and the impulsive heart. It is the fight between the practical and abstract, it is between thumping of a heart and what it wants, and, the loud buzzing of the mind and what it requires.

trying to

Trying to keep it subtle, trying to keep it on the low, or at least the subtle low we think we show.

Trying to minimize the public display of affection, only to realise your hands unknowingly started to touch.

Trying to reduce the amount of glances innocently shared that lasts for minutes but feels like seconds.

Trying to hide the permanent grin that turns into a smile when realising he is already staring.

Trying not to make too much eye contact as getting lost in his eyes, connecting with his soul just happens

Trying to grasp what is happening, how without warning, something came in swiftly and is turning your world around

Trying to figure out how unknowingly it is so easy to just be

Trying to remember how it felt before and only remembering how it feels now, totally engulfed by what is

Trying to refrain from uttering the words that just wants to leap from your tongue, already showing in your eyes, the three words that can change all

Trying to understand how every moment touches on being uncomplicated, fearless, the moment just drips with feeling content

Trying to fathom how simplistic it is, how happiness can be felt through the energy being exchange

Trying to play it down and cool, when your heart is beating out of chest and just wanting to proclaim how it feels

Trying to comprehend how lightly my feet got swept from under me, how abruptly my heart got attached, how without knowing it I am floating on happiness.

Dear Diary

Dear diary

It’s one of those nights when I’m deep in thought, one of those nights when I imagine what it will be like somewhere in the distant future.
I am not 16 anymore (more like almost 26), so a Friday night with no plans (a lack of plans), turns into a Friday night with me curling up on the couch with a bottle of Pinotage watching either Dirt Dancing, Grease or the old faithful, Sex and the city, in this case Dirty Dancing. Maybe I get caught up and imagine that I am baby, and with every dance move that I get taught I fall deeper in love with him. But anyway diary, my husband needs to know that I need a wine rack in our kitchen and of course a wine cellar filled with red wine (white wine is for our guests, coz I don’t particularly like white).

Watching my favourite movies is a necessity the same way me taking ownership of his hoodies/crew necks is a must, and of course me sitting with a glass of red just to unwind. I want to have my first glass when I prepare his favourite meal and of course dessert coz us staying in requires that. I want my second glass when we enjoy our meal, which obviously we won’t finish because I cook for more than two people and we can only eat so much and I mean it is movie night, so we will be snacking on popcorn and what else later on. I want to curl up with him on the couch, watch a movie, glass of red in hand and just experience the movie, feel like the characters, become them, feel what they feel, whether it be Carrie, Sandy or Baby. He will not only feel like my HERO, but he will be that, he will be the guy who wouldn’t do anything else than spend the night with his girl, because he will be my Mr.Big, My Danny, Johnny. Diary, I can’t even believe that I am writing this, but hey, when you see BIG propose to Carrie, Danny turn Jock for Sandy and Johnny doing that lift, what do you expect.
Well he will know that I am his Carrie, I will write about him in every blog and book that I write, because he has my heart in his hands and he doesn’t even know it, he makes me run back to him every time because there is only one BIG. He makes me wants to go against my parents’ wishes, (she is like the wind), and dance to the tune that only our hearts dance too, because he is my dirty dancer. He makes me change, want to be more like him and then he goes right around and turns jock on me, when I go all cat suit and sexy, coz no amount of grease can tame the hair that is on my head.

Diary, this staying in on a Friday night makes me miss something, something I have yet to experience, but something that feels all so familiar. Something I know will feel like home, something that I only want to experience with HIM, I don’t know who he is yet, but I know he is one hell of a MAN, one hell of a guy, one hell of a person, someone that I cannot wait to call mine.

So dear diary this is me again, bottle of red is half now, movie is almost finished, popcorn, well that is long gone, time for bed now… but Dirty Dancing’s Theme song is my Lullaby, I had the time of my life, and I know I’m going to have the time of my life with him, lift and all, because after all, nobody puts Baby in the corner. 

she feels

She doesn’t quite know why or how and even when it happened, but all she knows is that somehow a feeling inside her is awakened, awakened and ready to burst.

She somehow remembers snippets of interaction, interaction that leaves her with a feeling that boils up from within her soul, a feeling so close to erupting.

She tries to make sense of it all, trying to figure out if it is her imagination playing tricks on her and wouldn’t it be all so wonderful if it was her imagination.

She tosses and turns, moves backwards and forward, wrecking her brain and gets lost in all the setting’s, rather her mind, than her heart.

Her brain replaying instants, play by play, word for word, each time just wandering into it a bit more, each time just feeling a bit deeper, each time just falling… falling… falling deeper into thought.

She forces herself to feel with her mind, instead of her heart, she would rather draw up scenario’s that will most likely never happen than feel with her heart, and feel so deeply that it almost hurts.

She mimic’s the impressions that was left behind, like tattoos on her skin, in her heart, in her soul, maybe that it is all it is supposed to be, just impressions.

She feels it so deeply, the consuming thoughts that puts her to sleep at night, wakes her like the morning sun, thoughts that she tries to hide but with every song, every quote, it follows her like her shadow.

Her heart wants it to be so, her heart wants to feel the warmth, the depth, the soulful feeling that he plants lingering every time that he leaves.

Her smile is permanent just because of his grin

Her eyes sparkle just because of the twinkle of his

Her heart flutters because he gives her butterflies

Her hands tremble just when he brushes against her

Her body shakes whenever the smack of his hand is felt on her behind.

She gasps whenever she just sees him approaching

She forgets her A,B,C’s because words cannot describe

She feels so deeply and could just hope that somehow she makes him feel the same.

She feels him, in her mind, in her heart, in her soul, she feels him.

FebruLovely

February, the second month of the year, or how it is more popularly known, The Month of Love. Yes, it is February and all around we see advertisements, posts and what all else just to make us aware of the impending day of Love, which is Valentines or as I like to call it SINGLES AWARENESS DAY.

We see single folks starting to sulk because the thought of being alone on this day just gets totally frightening, not so much frightening as just being aware that well your single status and having no one to share this day of LOVE with. So we are about a week from Valentines and either people will start breaking up, because hey it is expensive; the gift giving, the taking out to dinner, so it will be more cost effective to well, be alone, or people will miraculously start to fall in love and enter deep relationships, Cupid fever strikes and it takes anyone and everyone in its path. Or you are the one who is proudly in a relationship with yourself and will be spoiling yourself like you do all the other days and be embracing all that Singles Awareness day has to offer (well the marked down chocolates, mugs, teddy bears the next day).

We have come so accustomed to this little baby who shoots arrows of love and makes us aware of our lack of it, (in most cases the lack of it is preferred). But what is this day all about? Is it really about showing Love and by that I don’t mean spending money on lavish gifts (that is a great bonus I might add), or shouting from the mountain tops that you are absolutely totally head over heels crazily in love with your significant other, or an opportunity to boldly tell someone that you have been crushing on since forever and that you feel them.
It is a day just like any other, a day where you show gratitude towards the one who makes your heart beat faster, a day where you show appreciation for the person who awakens that first flutter and turns your stomach upside down by the swarm of butterflies that attacks your insides. It is about acknowledging the person who makes adrenalin pump so hard through your veins that you can hear the sound of blood rushing from your feet to your ears, it is about telling the other person how much they mean to you when that same person took your breath away, knocked your wind out of your sails and leaves you breathless every time they just look at you. Isn’t about sharing moments so intimate it would put The Red Room of pain to shame. Isn’t it about staring into the loving eyes of someone that looks so deep within your soul that you see yourself in them? It is a day to be fearless in passion and desire, fearless in opening your heart to the one who keeps it safe, the one you trust it with. It is a day where you put a smile on a face so bright, it is impossible to wipe away, a smile inflicted by emotions that can only be Love. It is a day about celebrating the happiness that you found not just in yourself, but the joyful happiness that doubled since this person entered your life. It is a day to find the heart shaped clouds in the bluest of skies, the brightest evening star on a dark night, and find the special wordless moments shared by a meeting of lips. Well isn’t this how every day is supposed to go when you have someone who makes your heart beat faster, who makes you feel incomplete when they aren’t around, someone who completely turned your world upside down, inside out, whose happiness you place above your own. So why do these things only have to be done on one specific day, or in actual fact be “celebrated” on just one day. These things should be done every day just like every day is Singles Awareness day when you walk by a couple newly touched by Love and suddenly become aware of the lack of it.

The month of love is a lovely one, it makes you want to fall in love, not specifically with another person, but also yourself, it makes you want to feel deeply and experience all that love has to offer. Valentines is a wonderful day but it just makes you realise that everyday should be a day of love, of loving deeply, feeling openly, embracing the passion, showcasing the emotions and loving so hungrily, to not only receive, but to give. Let everyday be Valentines, a day filled with crazy-mad-joyful Love.