Leap down the rabbit hole. part 6

 

She found herself wandering further and further down the path. In awe of every beautiful thing that surrounds her, from the perfectly blue skies and the fluffy clouds painted across the vast canvas. The birds chirping their happy song, makes her heart flutter and her feet tap in synchronicity with each step she takes. This path seems to become more daunting the further she moves through this magical place, pathways become narrower. The braver she becomes, the more she doubts if taking that leap down the rabbit hole was the right choice. She must keep reminding herself that it is just fear fuelling her doubts, and that she will overcome this fear, just like she has slayed all that has been in her path before, trying to sway and keep her from exploring this magical journey that was set out for her.

 

Letting go has been the biggest test for her, letting go of all the preconceived notions she became conditioned to before she found herself in this wonderous world. Letting go of her masks, the facades she carried around. Letting go of her Ego, an ego filled with needing validation and acceptance, an Ego filled characteristics she so badly wanted to run away from, an ego she could no longer keep feeding, as all the illusions fell away, and humility brought her to her knees with every step, dark cloud and storm that greeted her on this path. There was no place for ego in this new world she found herself in, anything based on fear would be torn away, as only love and humility would guide her through the traitorous walk way.  So many things on this pathway has been mere illusion, projections of fear and cycles needing to be closed out. All the difficult battles she had to fight to get through to the next stage, even when she thought she wouldn’t get through or over it, was based on fear, and as soon as she moved in harmony with her spirit, her courage started to peak, and slowly she started to put those fears to bed, and ended cycles that kept on repeating, in order for her to gain the knowledge and wisdom to catapult her further on  her journey.

 

Standing and speaking her truth has been a crucial part of this journey. It seemed the more she started to embrace her truth, delving deep into her psyche, understanding her knowing, acknowledging her buried emotions, she set herself free. She set herself free from pain that she has carried around for the longest time, pain that clung so hard to the walls of her heart, pain supressed deep in her mind, a type of pain she became accustomed to live with, until it slowly started creeping out from within her, where she could no longer deny it, where she couldn’t mask the symptoms anymore, and had to go deep down to that root and pluck it out for good. So, when all those dark clouds approached in formation, she knew that that silver lining was winking at her, with every truth she accepted, she gave way for a piece of pain to be released and tarnished. She no longer allowed her pain and the symptoms there off to consume her body, her mind, her spirit, her soul. Realising that it hurt most to conceal and cover up all these scars behind a mask, that the weight just kept getting heavier and weighed her down, that all these walls she built around herself didn’t permit for any of these low vibrational feelings to exist and that she blocked the high vibrational feelings at the same time.

 

She realised that standing and owning her truth meant to be completely honest, to not be selective with the truths she wished to acknowledge. Accepting who she truly is, is what this journey had in store for her. This journey needed her to stand her ground, to speak up for herself, to claim her power. By speaking her truth, she had to let go of fear-based thoughts, overthinking, over rationalising, creating scenario’s (that seemed to be her biggest escape), and face everything that was inside of her. So long on this journey as she overcame obstacles around every bend, the challenges seemed to just get more difficult instead of easier. But she is resilient and with every challenge overcome, she levelled up in bravery, newly found strength she didn’t even knew she had. By speaking her truth, she accessed her true vulnerable state, the vulnerable state where she let go of fears, being so honest about her true feelings, without being consumed by the what if’s, the what not’s, the maybe’s and worrying if things will be the same.

She embraced these feelings, as she became vulnerable, everything she felt and spoke, came from a place of love. The deep place of love that is indescribably freeing. As soon as she let go of all her inhibitions and fear-based thinking and worrying, a sense of freedom and serenity started to spill over her. She started doing and acting from a place of true unconditional love, the love that she had for herself. She was no longer fixated on the outcome, the when’s and the how’s. all that she knew was that she had this strong conviction, spilling from deep from her soul, that she indeed is stepping into her true Divine Feminine power and that there is only place for love. That what ever will happen on her path, she will approach it with love, that no matter how she would rather remain quiet than cause conflict, she realised with deep faith that what stems from her soul is love, and that loving herself and remaining true to her path, required her to act and speak from a place of this deep unconditional love.

 

Letting go required her to go deep within, to be truly vulnerable and this is fuelled by the unconditional love she has for herself. Letting go brought freedom, the freedom that feels like finally being found and in a serene place. She knows this path and all its things is meant for her, to be her true powerful self, and as soon as she really let go, love elevated her, love is her strength in vulnerability. This Divine Feminine power that she embodies as she further struts down this pathway, bends and all, her Love and vulnerability is her super power, as she slays away all the bad and sees that silver lining shine in all its glory.

Leap Down The Rabbit Hole – Part 5 : Smoky Mirrors and Slowed Clocks

She always had this demeanour about her, which could be both her super power, but also her worst nightmare. As she took that leap down the rabbit hole, she figured that this journey was hers alone to walk and explore. In all fairness this was her journey, her path, but as the saying goes “no man is an island”, and the longer this journey continues, that sometimes feel as if it is never ending, she realises that well, she cannot do it on her own. She got so used to doing everything on her own, going at it alone, whether this was to prevent feelings of disappointment or resentment, this is how she chose to do things. But somewhere that voice always told her, “be calm little one, help is available, just let go and release and allow it to engulf you”. For her this was a foreign term, she got so accustomed to the high walls that she built around herself, whether she needed help or assistance this to her felt like a weakness.

 

But isn’t it through ones’ weaknesses that you find your strength? As she kept on walking and pushing forward the path soon seemed to be filled with smoky mirrors and slowed clocks. It seemed that whenever she found herself on a path of smooth sailing, smoky mirrors appeared. As she glanced in the mirrors, she gets faced with imagery filled with all the desires and hopes that she cradles within herself, she sees past all the fogginess that clouds the images (this could be since she is an optimist at heart, even though her journey had given her a fair share of bumps and bruises). As she looks towards the clocks it is as if all at once, the clocks either slowed down tremendously or came to one abrupt halt. And every time this happens, she just adds a few more bricks to her already protective barrier, she secludes herself, wallow within all that doesn’t seem to be going right and like that smoky mirrors and slowed clocks, she embodies it.

 

But what saves her every time, is that constant voice and companion that has been with her throughout this journey. She already is aware that this companion had a significant role to play in this journey and the path that she is undertaking. Whether it be unknowingly encouraging her to move forward, to be cautious for all the hidden dangers wrapped up as oases of abundance, or just allowing her to be vulnerable by just being herself without judgement or expectation. As she gets engulfed with all these smoky mirrors, that voice filters through the mirrors, slowly blowing away all that is hidden from plain sight. As this companion moves ahead of her, clearing the fog in front of her, to prevent her from making a mis-step, and in a sense trying to give her a smoother path and to see a clear way through the fogginess that seems all so glorious.

As this voice keeps encouraging her, she cannot help but being fixated on all the slowed clocks, because suddenly it is as if everything comes to one abrupt halt, no prospects of moving forward, no movement, just thoughts of time moving past her, and that she has no control over it, no matter how hard she pushes or pulls. And that voice speaks to her in such a compassionate manner, telling her to start planning and to gather her thoughts and ideas, and to slowly put them into motion. This voice tells her that wonderful things will happen as she continues this journey, but the same as the clocks that slowed down, she should do the same. She shouldn’t see this as failure or things that won’t come to pass, but just as sign to regroup, and when that clock starts moving again, to jump in and go all out.

It is when the clocks slow down, that she feels most vulnerable, and in combination with all the smoky mirrors, this is where she just wants to quit this journey and start retreating into her self-built wall of protection. But it is in this moment when that voice of companionship comes through stronger, affirming that she is indeed protected, and that help is at her disposal, and that it is up to her to accept it or not.

Sometimes she just wants to crawl back out of the hole that she once jumped down so freely. Surrounded by smoky mirrors and slowed clocks, vulnerable and tired. But through it all she knows that she is protected, that her back is covered. That, that companion that has been trailing alongside her, would always be there to blow away the smoke and will remain even when time is slowed or completely stopped. She finds that her weakness of being vulnerable will ultimately be her biggest strength, her real super power. And that voice of companionship, is set on her path, not just as protection, but for her to realise her full potential, be the best that she can be. That voice is a part of her, a part that she only met when the time was right, a crucial part to complete her and walk this path and journey along side her.

Leap down the rabbit hole Part 4 (InStillness)

 

As she navigates her way through this unknown world, this captivating magically mystical world she finds herself in. She cannot help but wonder what and where she will eventually end up. She still pinches herself to make sure that she isn’t dreaming, and if this had really become her reality. When she leapt down that rabbit hole she could never have anticipated all that she would see, all that she would realise, all that she had to encounter, all the new and scary things that she had to go through and all this is part of the unknown that now strikes a new-found awareness.

 

As she sits in silence wondering what her next move will be, what steps she needs to take in order the journey forth, her mind wonders to a million different places and events. In the stillness is where she makes sense of it all, if it all makes sense she doesn’t know yet, but she knows it all seems a little bit clearer now.

 

She always fought the biggest fights against her heart and mind. Her heart and mind being in total contradiction of her needs and wants, what is realistic and what is fantasy, does she need to stay, or does she need to go, does she follow through and preserve despite all the bumps and bruises or does she give up and walk away relieved yet defeated. But as she sits in silence basking in the vibration of all that was and all that is, she knows that this journey thus far has been exactly what she had to experience, laughs and cries and all.

 

She used to think it was okay to play small, or when it happened when she was shrunken to a teeny bit of herself, finding herself lost in a maze of discoveries to be unlocked. As she hid behind the bushes and seek shelter from all the unknown threats, and even all the majestic surprises. For a minute she was okay with it, for a while she was okay with having to hide and walk in the shadows to remain hidden and safe. But that she knew that remaining small was not what this journey was busy teaching her. As she moved through this maze, the intricate turns, the multiple hiding places, she became more aware. She became more attentive to all she was once oblivious to, she became aware of the millions of little particles that plays a role to grow. For so long she was fixated on the big bigger and how all would eventually fit together that she neglected to also take in all the small moments. Whether it was the victory of being able to jump over a little puddle or holding tight when the winds blew in all directions, or even just being able to smile when all she wanted to do was cry. It was those shadows that scared her most, not knowing what hid behind the next corner, whether it would be a dead end again or whether that would lead to the opening that she hoped for. But despite being small she tightened those buckles on her shoes, pulled up her stockings and ventured forth, using the shadows to guide her through the maze. In being small she found that she was stronger than she was aware off, that she was significant despite her size, that becoming mindful of all the little elaborate surroundings, that somehow it starts to make sense how the whole bigger picture will eventually be formed. Being small, embracing and becoming aware of the surroundings is what made it possible to eventually navigate through the maze. She found being small gave her necessary resources and mindfulness to move through the darkness and with every passing shadow she grew taller, prouder, stronger as all these little things are lessons throughout her journey.

 

Being small, made her appreciate how big she was. It made her view that big picture in a new and mindful way. She had always known that, that big picture (that waved and winked at her in the distance and gave her a taste of how it will feel, look and smell when she ultimately attained it by getting glimpses more often than she would have liked- I mean the journey was and is already strenuous to state it mildly) was and will always be hers to acquire. Whenever she felt a glimpse of the bigger picture so often she got totally and utterly engulfed in it all that she neglected to be aware of all the smaller parts that had and still must flow together for that big picture to come to full fruition.

 

As she sits in stillness, she starts balancing out the energies, the energy of all that she learned when she was small, all she had to become aware of all over again, all she had to embrace to make this journey all it is and have been thus far. By seeing the big picture in the distance, she knows that is more than just attainable, but also that she shouldn’t get so fixated on that, that she gets lost in what is yet to come and not fully be engulfed in the small little moments that build up to that moment. In stillness she finds gratitude, in stillness she finds peace in her journey and know that she would jump down that hole again, bruises, bumps and all. She is braver than she was before, more resilient, more appreciative to the surrounding beauty, whether it be darkness for a bit or light throughout. The leap down the rabbit hole, is how her journey started, pushing forward, seeing and feeling all the glorious magical surprises that awaits her throughout.

As she sits gently, she awaits her next step in this enchanted journey. Aware and ready, step by step, jumping over puddles or floating on fluffy clouds, it is her journey down the rabbit hole.

You are my muse

 

You whom I love

You whom I love beyond doubt or reason

You whom I long for in the darkest of night and the light of day

You whom I crave with every ounce of my existence

You whom I desire with passions from within my loins

You who occupies my mind from dusk till dawn and again from dawn till dusk.

You who consume the essence of my spirit

You who are my endless addiction

You whose soul mirrors mine

You who inspires

You from who I find the freedom to just be

You who makes my spine tingle and my skin glow

You who free my mind and makes my soul soar

You whose voice is a mantra that my heart mimics

You whose spark make mines shine even brighter

You who feels like home

You who are happiness and pure joy

You who stories are written about

You in whose eyes I foretell the future

You whose mind expands the limitations in mine

You whose familiarity has always been

You are my muse

New Phase…new beginnings #Maktub

As i am reflecting on the past month, July, which is also my birthday month (Yeay), I still don’t completely know how and what I feel, but I do know that I am grateful. I am awakening from my writers block, so maybe this slump that I have been in had to simmer this month, just so I could just observe and embrace everything around me, and thus why I am kind of reflecting now.

So where do I start? Lol, maybe at the beginning. So the past few months has totally been absolutely crazy, specially the part where emotions comes into play. I don’t know why, but the closer my it came to my birthday, the more i freaked out, I mean, just when I got used to being 26, 27 was starting to flirt with me, it was all cute at first, but then it was like oh shit, it is like that guaranteed hangover the next morning, even if you basically just overdosed on water. So why did i freak out, you may ask and this is why. I figured that when i was 26 I would have my life together (atleast what my 18year old self hoped), i figured I would be working my dream job, I would be married to the love of my life and we would have a baby by now, i mean my parents were married and had me when they were 26. But i guess I just realised and my mom told me that it is totally okay to not have all my ducks in a row, that it is okay that I am not in a relationship, It is okay that I am still striving and working towards the career I want and that I am meant to be in and it is okay that I haven’t started a family yet, she told me that I am still young and I should enjoy this phase in my life. This kind of made me smile, because I knew she woulnldn’t tell me something if she doesn’t mean it and if it isn’t the truth… so i guess after i got this confirmation from momma bear, i slowly started to get excited for my birthday, I mean i am still breathing and in all truthfullness that is more than enough reason to celebrate.

I must say, being 27 doesn’t feel so bad, I do admit that it kind of feels as if a major shift happened not only in my life, but also my mindset, how I see myself and just the excitement of what is to come. I had the best birthday I got to see Tevin Campbell perform live and he is still as amazing eventhough he fell flat on his ass when he performed, he just carried on like a true champ and kept the show going. That was a life lesson in it’s own right, to keep on going even if you stumble and fall on your ass, the show must go on and how you continue is all that matters. Cliche, yes I know, but it is so true though. I got to experience Love, the love from my friends, Love from my family, Love from someone special, even love from strangers and I just realised that Love is the greatest gift that I can ever receive, but also the greatest gift that I can share with others.

I went through a phase of endless endings, everything seemed to be falling apart, I almost felt like stagnant water, no new source of water coming in and no way for water to go out, but one thing that my friend always tells me is that the only way out is through. So just as the endings seemed to go on, new beginnings started to seep through. What frustrates me is the fact that the new beginnings is playing that flirt game, that game where you see glimpses of what is, what can be and what is to come, but then all of a sudden it comes to a hault, leaving you impatient and just wanting to push because why isn’t it all just falling into place the way that it is supposed too. And i freakin hate waiting. But i must say i totally love how 27 is flirting with me, i tell those doors that i see opening that I cannot wait to walk through them, because if the glimpses are anything to go by, my mind will be blown once I walk through them when they are completely open. I love how I found a new sense of security, a new sense of self, a new sense of how everything that I not only want, need and desire is already within me, I just need to be patient and just be present in the now and experience everything as it comes.

I wish I had a genie so i could instantaneously have everything that i desire and dream about, but where would the fun be in that. Because isn’t the journey the lesson and mustn’t one be completely engulfed and present in the moment to ultimately enjoy the end result, the destination. I am so excited for what 27 has in store, for that soulmate kind of life that I have prayed and dreamed about. For the love of my art, my talent, my dreams to become a reality on day at a time. I am excited for new prospects but also to grow in the experiences completely  be present in all moments and just feel and learning what I am supposed too. I am happy, I am content, like my favorite saying in The Alchemist “MAKTUB”, meaning that it is written…so it just means that everything will happen just the way it is supposed, because it is written. So HELOOOOOOOOOO 27, I am more than ready for you, bring it on. I am grateful and so blessed, it is nothing else than humbling. So may this new phase in my life just be completely be filled with Love in abundance (and it feels so good), new creative energy, blossoming career prospects, joy in tons, happiness beyond compare, light to illuminate every part of my life and just blessings.

Blessings, love and light

Coz I am mid 20’s, almost or basically late 20’s and I am more than okay with that..

The Kind Of Funny, weird, quirky, My kinda awesome

 

I don’t think it is funny. I don’t think that it is funny that I instantaneously started smiling as soon as I hear that voice. I wouldn’t say I am irritated, or mad, or playing a bit hard to get, speaking in that stern serious tone of voice, just to bring a point across, in actuality wanting to sounding all cool calm and collected.

In the mean-team as I say “Heloo”, you respond with that captivating happy sound that so effortlessly flow from your lips “Hi, how are you”; just there I could see that smile that captures you at every turn and each time engulfs you like the first, all this just by the sound of his voice.

Something weird always happens when I hear his voice, and it isn’t because I am quirky in my own right, it is just something that I think is super funny and it makes me smile and happy, because it makes me laugh, and guess who causes it…him.

I am bilingual and more than efficiently fluent in both, when I speak to him, it is almost as if the different wires that is connected in my brain, somehow gets crossed, it is like I have so many things that I want to tell him and want to say, that it all just wants to flow from my tongue in a ramble, as all the words formed wants an escape, but then when the words want to take form and escape my mouth, I start stuttering…

My English and Afrikaans gets mixed, I think in Afrikaans and speak in English and then I think in English and speak in Afrikaans, all in the matter of seconds, and my hearts starts beating with this busy ongoing in my mind, my cheeks start flustering, and I just smile.

Because in that moment you know exactly all that I want to say, you understand every sentence like it gets described and explained to the T, but I think the best part is that, you actually listen. The way you listen so intently to not just hear but to actually pay attending, to actually take note, even though the words fumbling from my lips are tangled up dilly utterances, you get it, you just get it.

 

I just don’t get how the sound of your voice, at the same time brings this serenity over me, this calm happy feeling, this glow that sprouts from within, a glow that is formed in the soul and gets pulled out only by vibes that echoes with the vibes that resonate with my soul.

And this is still just only by the sound of your voice, it is as if your voice touches every part of my senses, I not only hear you, but I listen to you, I listen to the words from your mouth, I see the smile on your voice, I feel the happiness in your voice, causing a smirk, causing cheeks to turn mauve, eyes to glisten, as if the energy gets transferred from you to me, as if instantaneously our vibe is the same.

I do think it is kind of cool that every phone call I have with you is kind of awesome, besides the fact that I feel it is weird and funny and quirky.

I think it is kind of cool, because every time it feels like one of the best conversations, no matter how short or long, it feels soothing and so gentle, it is like a calm to just quiet the ruffled. So even if it is weird and funny and quirky, it is my kind of cool, my kind of vibe, and my kind of awesome.

Just Feel it…(All the Feels)

 

Sometimes I just wish I could figure it all out, that the Universe would just instantaneously bombard me with all of the answers, but then I remember the only way out is through. And in this instance no matter how crazy it might seems and no matter how many times I go over it in my head (I tend to overthink, a lot), I have to experience all the feels and be present in this moment. I want to run away, kick myself in the butt, but running away from what you feel doesn’t help one bit, so suppressing all of these emotions won’t help one bit. The thing is it is such a happy emotion and I am experiencing all the feels, and you know what, I am actually happy.

 

So this above quote is exactly how I feel, or just a tiny bit of what I feel and trying to explain it seems so difficult, because I don’t know how.

 

Have you ever experienced a smile so fierce? Have someone ever just smiled at you, so genuinely, so pure and the way they smile totally reflects in their eyes (If the eyes doesn’t smile with the mouth, something indeed is wrong). It is almost as if that smile awakens something so deep within you, a smile that breaks down boundaries, that you have yourself questioning “What the F is happening”. That smile ignites a spark that doesn’t slowly but rapidly spreads like a wildfire; it spreads through every inch of your body and you know where it starts, in your heart. You can feel every beat of your heart, as it steadily increases, with every beat that spark just steadily starts to catch fire. Now the thing about this fire is, is that it is unlike any other intensity that you have ever experienced before. This fire is starting a revolution making any other spark that you may have ever felt before seem so dismal and mediocre. This fire is like a wildfire that usually happens in nature, when it burns out all of a forest and in turn makes way for new growth, making way for the beauty to once again grow, growing from the ruins.

 

Like a wildfire this fire starting in your heart may seem devastating, as it kindles feelings and emotions that may have been dormant, feelings that you may have thought you would never experiences, feelings only destined for the characters in your favourite movie or book. As this fire spreads, it burns away all of the walls you have once built up, it burns away all of the weeds, all the fears, doubts that you so willingly protected yourself with. It feels as if this fire will cause more destruction than anything else, I mean it brings up emotions that you would rather not deal with, because not dealing with it and not feeling it, just feels better and seems easier (having suppressed these feelings for so long and covering with fear, was your safety net, that is about to be burnt to ashes). And guess what this fire so effortlessly burns away all of the fear, as excruciating as it may seem, the deliverance feels much more amazing, it feels freeing, and you wonder how it is possible that for so long you didn’t want to give way to these feelings.

 

This fire is the ending and the new beginning. This fire burns away all of the walls, emotions and feelings that you have protected yourself with for so long, because you were just so afraid of getting hurt and after a while you just stopped feeling. This fire ignites and gives way for all those emotions to come forth once again, by burning down all of the “protective” feelings and giving rise to the stagnant feelings. Just like a Phoenix rising from its ashes, these emotions are now free to resurface, unrestricted, unhindered, to flourish beyond the fear that was once the forefront of it all.

 

This fire destroys all the feelings that you used to protect yourself with, to give rise to all that you have been suppressing, hiding and didn’t want to feel. This fire gives birth to a heart, a heart open to love again, a heart filled with passion, a heart ready, without restrictions, a heart that rose from its own ashes, sparked by that simple beautiful smile, a heart prepared to embrace all the love that it is about to receive, all started and sparked by that smile.

Leap down the Rabbit HOLE – part3 (the promise)

 

She was still so fascinated by the clear blue sky and the fluffy clouds moving in a swift rhythm that she walked without looking down once. As the grass still tingled on the soles of her feet, she suddenly fell to the ground…she stumbled over a little bush and when she looked up a wonderful oasis awaited her.

What she was seeing was a little retreat, looking as if it was just created for her, well it was created for her, and even her name was written on the place card at the table. As she walked around the table, being in awe of what she was observing, from the happy juice to the treats and book of spells that was laid out, just for her. Just when was in a mesmerized daze as she took all this in, as her smile just got bigger and bigger, there he stood in front of her. Now she was truly wondering what this wonderland that she found herself was all about. She found herself mumbling utterances, at least in her head it made sense, but as soon as those words reached her mouth and tried to escape from her mouth, she just got all tongue-tied. It was as if his gaze just had her bewildered and all she wanted to say could be seen in her eyes and the gigantic smile that adorned her face. The utterances that spilled from her mouth and didn’t make sense at all was perfectly formed by his lips, everything she wanted to get out, he already knew; was this really magic? Has she really found herself in wonderland?

As they sat down surrounded by the beauty of the forest, the light breeze cooling her as she felt hotter than the sun’s rays on this warm day. Her sentences started to become fluent, it seemed the longer she looked into his eyes, a sense of calm just moves over her, okay it might be the happy juice as well. As she became more comfortable, she became herself in a way that even surprised her, but he wasn’t surprised, not in the least. She didn’t know if he cast a spell with that book of spells that laid on the table, but is serenity just pulled her in deeper and opening herself felt like the most natural thing in the world.

As he looked into her eyes, he told her or no he asked her if she would promise him one thing… obviously she was flabbergasted, because what on earth would he want her to promise; with great certainty she said Yes before knowing what she was promising too… he said, “please don’t ever change who you are”…

Okay, she already promised, but if she wasn’t staggered before, now she truly was.

She had to process this bit of newly found information, she was swimming around in her mind and wondering why he would ask her something like this. Maybe he had sipped too much on the happy juice, because what made her so special that he didn’t want her to change. The more she tried to look for answers, the more she couldn’t find a reason or why he would feel that specific way. But the more she thought about that phrase, the more sense it made, but clearly he saw something in her, something that she doesn’t necessarily see in herself, but something that captured him in a way that neither of them could have anticipated.

 

As she wondered what made her so special that he didn’t ever want her to change and she realised, what isn’t there that doesn’t make her special.

 

She finally understood that who she is now, she fought to become and that being in wonderland made her realise this.

She understood that her being comfortable in her own skin was something she worked hard on, with all the stereotypes and what beauty is supposed to look like; the moment she embraced all that made her unique her, from her hair, to her skin, her mind, her heart, that is when her beauty started blooming, because she was just truly and honestly herself and doing it for herself.

She recognized that her spirit reflects how and what she feels about herself and others; the way she spoke positivity into her own life, how she let go of any negative thoughts and emotions that tried to infiltrate her life, the way she owned the distinctive quirks that is true to her.

She acknowledges how her passion is reflected in her eyes, in her voice, in her smile, in her energy. The way butterflies slip into her stomach when she speak and does something that excites her to her core, whether it is talking about her dreams, chasing and reaching a goal or just get enthusiastic when the desire and magnitude of what makes her happy and which she is fanatical about, pours out of her like lava from a very active volcano.

She concedes that her being honest and vulnerable is not a weakness, but a strength, how candid she can be, as this is an extension of who she is, as she had to rip the masks and facades off, piece by piece, bit by bit, to be who she has become.

 

She admits that she loves fiercly, she wears her heart on her sleeve, she loves herself, who she once was, who she is now and who she is yet to become; love is what drives her, it is her language, the unspoken language that surrounds her and is reflected in her aura and energy that surrounds her.

 

She accepts that her weird sense of humour is what makes her funny and in most cases hilarious in her own right, that even when she mumbles and gets tongue-tied that what she tries to articulate still gets across; her words is just one way she communicates.

 

Being in Wonderland is making her comprehend all that she was, all that she has shed, from the negativity and self-doubt, to the insecurities and fear. Before she even leapt down that rabbit hole, she was already someone who would just blossom and flourish in this new environment, as she creates it as she moves along.

 

Like she promised him, she won’t ever change who she is, who she fought to become, who she is meant to be, because this is the version that she is supposed to be, and this is why he is so captivated by all that she is.

Leap down the Rabbit Hole- Part 2

 

As she wandered down the path, still high on all that has happened, she gets lost in herself, and she gets lost in her mind, trying to make sense of it all. She didn’t know what she had expected as she was falling down the rabbit hole, but whatever she might have expected was not even remotely close to what she was busy experiencing. As she gazes up at the sky and down at the ground, it is as if the sky is the brightest shade of blue that she has ever seen, as if the clouds were puffs of candyfloss floating in a beautiful piece of art, the grass tickled her feet and made her giggle like she hasn’t giggled in the longest time and as she kept walking every step her giggles turned into laughs, the laughs that came from within her soul and heart, turning into a song of happiness.

 

What she didn’t realise is, that time wasn’t a concept in the wonderland that she finds herself in. first, time seems to go by so quickly and then all of a sudden it just slows down, it slows downs as if everything is put into slow motion. She is usually so used to wanting things to happen fast and the way that she wants it to happen, this wonderland forces her to be present, it asks of her to feel, experience and embrace all the different types of thoughts and emotions that engulfs her as she steps-steps her way through this new place. She regularly finds herself lost in her own mind, lost in thought, lost in scenario’s that she creates, trying to figure things out, trying to be in control. And here she is learning patience, as the candyfloss clouds floats by effortlessly, as the grass pricks her feet and the sound of the wondrous surroundings just flows through every part of her being, like the veins through her body. For a minute when time seemed to pass ever so slowly, she just wanted to tap her heels together and wanted to go home, and she realised that she wasn’t Dorothy and the only way out is through. Here she becomes present, here she is starting to learn patience, here she is just being, being without knowing how or why, here she lost in a wonderland of new, weird and wonderful things and yet this is where she feels most at home, this is where she feels herself.

 

As she gets lost in thought being mesmerized by all the wonder that surrounds her, she loses track of time, she remembers the eyes that met hers when she first landed on the grass while coming to her senses, the eyes that she somehow got lost in, the eyes that glistened with a familiarity that she knew was one of the reasons she found herself in this land of wonder. It is funny, because somehow months had gone past and she found herself finding and exploring new avenues within this new experience, but it didn’t even feel all that long. Was it because she wasn’t living in her head anymore, was it because she was present in everything that she was going through, was it that for the first time she decided to just let go, to trust, to have faith, like when she took that leap down the hole.

 

She somehow found that she had a new sense of adventure within her, she found that she was more courageous than she has ever been before, she found that she was more confident, she found that she had this immense craving to try and want to do different things that scared her, things that has failed in the past, things that she would make her grow mentally, spiritually and physically. She had this new found allure to her, she always had it, but it is only know that it seemed to bloom, like a butterfly finally emerging from its cocoon. As she became more aware of her surroundings that is when she started to blossom, almost as if her embracing her surroundings, seemed to transcend and elevate the vibes and energy that she was embodying and sending out.

 

As the path before her seems long and strenuous, especially because she isn’t aware of what is around the bend or even further down the path, because there is no roadmaps, no road signs; the only signs and way of navigation she has, is the stars that light up the night sky like a bunch of fireflies against a dark canvas, the butterflies leading her to the most beautiful flowers, the little pieces of cakes with the words eat me and the bottles saying drink me, and this was all the signs she needed, because she was present. She listened to the voice of the wind, to the chirp of the birds, she listened to her heart, to her soul, as she followed the path, step by step.

She is in a whole new world, a world that she has dreamed off, a world where magic is at her fingertips, a world where those eyes that she gazed into is her compass, her guide, her true north, a world where endless possibilities awaits her, a world where she is a familiar stranger; this is her hole after all, the hole she leapt down.

Leap Down the Rabbit Hole- Part 1

She found herself like Alice in Wonderland, somewhere, somehow she tumbled down that rabbit hole. How it all happened she cannot say, how she stumbled or decided to jump down that hole she also cannot say, but she knows for certain that she wasn’t pushed…she knew that down that hole a whole new world and experience was waiting for her…she was urged by her gut, to just take that leap of faith. Before she took that leap/jump, or whatever you want to call it, she wasn’t certain of anything, but one thing she knew for certain was, that down that hole, everything that she always wanted and desired was waiting on her.

 

She was in a place where she was living her day to day life, you know the monotonous, everyday routine stuff that she got so accustomed too, that just the idea of doing something out of the ordinary scared her senseless. Until that beautiful sunny day, that beautiful sunny day that she wanted to spend indoors, and until this day she believes that it was the universe that or castrated her fall down the rabbit hole. Maybe at that moment she wasn’t fully aware of what going down that rabbit hole entailed, but some sense of freedom, a feeling of content just washed over her and she knew that no matter what was to happen and also what wasn’t supposed to happen, that she would be okay with any outcome.

 

As she jumped down the hole, she was met by the Hatter (the modern kind, but still just as fabulously colorful as she has read all her life). The Hatter reassured her that all she had to do was be herself and the pathway would open up to her without obstacles, obviously she doubted this, but that butterflies in her stomach whispered to her that being herself is all that she had to be and that, that would be her compass to follow the crooked road without any obstacles. She knew from experience that being her true and genuine self, the self that she was comfortable with, was the only self that she wanted anyone to know. She knew that she didn’t need to pretend to be brave or even afraid, because her face and emotions she wore on her sleeve and by being just who she was, was more than enough. Okay so this all might sound extremely weird and freaky, but this a modern day type of fairy tale, nah it isn’t a fairy tale, it is true life after all. As she started walking down that path all she was certain off, was that in that moment she didn’t want to be anywhere else, she knew that this would be the start of things that she has only experienced in her dreams; things that her 13 old self secretly wrote down in the diary which said “Private-DO NOT READ, on the cover” and dated to perfection.

 

There wasn’t any obstacles that first day, or that is what she figured, but the obstacles came in subtle ways, ways where she had to make split second decisions, decisions that always bothered her, because for some reason she always had the ability to make the wrong one. But down this path when faced with making a decision she figured the puzzle out in an instant, she listened to her intuition, that made all the difference, she started listened to her gut, to that voice that she always avoided because she was scared that she couldn’t always control certain or all situations. This day she just went with it and knew that this path would lead her exactly where she wanted to be. To her it seemed absolutely crazy, but yet so right at the same time, upside down, inside out, topsy turvy, yet to her it made sense, clear as daylight basically.

 

As the day went on she never questioned the choice she made to jump down that rabbit hole, because it was as if everything just fell into place, the pieces of the puzzle just started to fit, as if it just miraculously just made sense, even though the whole picture wasn’t even close to completion. As the morning turned to night, her heart was content, she was happy and she couldn’t explain why, but maybe it had something to do with that heart that she lost years ago, the heart that she picked up piece by piece when it crumbled into a thousand pieces, the heart she slowly pasted together and wrapped in wire, the heart she kept hidden behind high walls.

 

All she knows is that as the day progressed, her smile got bigger with every step she took, her eyes sparkled like they haven’t done before, her heart started pounding in a way that she wasn’t familiar with, as the sun set, and she knew she wouldn’t ever be the same. It might have been the day, it might also have been that she saw a glimpse of what was to come, or the taste it left on her lips, the feel it left on her skin, the smile it left on her face, or even her heartbeat; but it was then when she knew she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, just in that moment with the stars floating like fireflies and the moon illuminating a spotlight on them, she knew.

She knew that this was her rabbit hole, she knew that this is her road to travel, she knew that this road would make her walls come crumbling down, brick by brick, but she knew when her eyes met his when she still came to her sense as she landed on the grass; she knew he is and would be the one who not only travels the road with her to completion, but she knew that this was only day one, the start of an adventure that she couldn’t have dreamt off. This was her new beginning.