Leap Down the Rabbit Hole- Part 1

She found herself like Alice in Wonderland, somewhere, somehow she tumbled down that rabbit hole. How it all happened she cannot say, how she stumbled or decided to jump down that hole she also cannot say, but she knows for certain that she wasn’t pushed…she knew that down that hole a whole new world and experience was waiting for her…she was urged by her gut, to just take that leap of faith. Before she took that leap/jump, or whatever you want to call it, she wasn’t certain of anything, but one thing she knew for certain was, that down that hole, everything that she always wanted and desired was waiting on her.

 

She was in a place where she was living her day to day life, you know the monotonous, everyday routine stuff that she got so accustomed too, that just the idea of doing something out of the ordinary scared her senseless. Until that beautiful sunny day, that beautiful sunny day that she wanted to spend indoors, and until this day she believes that it was the universe that or castrated her fall down the rabbit hole. Maybe at that moment she wasn’t fully aware of what going down that rabbit hole entailed, but some sense of freedom, a feeling of content just washed over her and she knew that no matter what was to happen and also what wasn’t supposed to happen, that she would be okay with any outcome.

 

As she jumped down the hole, she was met by the Hatter (the modern kind, but still just as fabulously colorful as she has read all her life). The Hatter reassured her that all she had to do was be herself and the pathway would open up to her without obstacles, obviously she doubted this, but that butterflies in her stomach whispered to her that being herself is all that she had to be and that, that would be her compass to follow the crooked road without any obstacles. She knew from experience that being her true and genuine self, the self that she was comfortable with, was the only self that she wanted anyone to know. She knew that she didn’t need to pretend to be brave or even afraid, because her face and emotions she wore on her sleeve and by being just who she was, was more than enough. Okay so this all might sound extremely weird and freaky, but this a modern day type of fairy tale, nah it isn’t a fairy tale, it is true life after all. As she started walking down that path all she was certain off, was that in that moment she didn’t want to be anywhere else, she knew that this would be the start of things that she has only experienced in her dreams; things that her 13 old self secretly wrote down in the diary which said “Private-DO NOT READ, on the cover” and dated to perfection.

 

There wasn’t any obstacles that first day, or that is what she figured, but the obstacles came in subtle ways, ways where she had to make split second decisions, decisions that always bothered her, because for some reason she always had the ability to make the wrong one. But down this path when faced with making a decision she figured the puzzle out in an instant, she listened to her intuition, that made all the difference, she started listened to her gut, to that voice that she always avoided because she was scared that she couldn’t always control certain or all situations. This day she just went with it and knew that this path would lead her exactly where she wanted to be. To her it seemed absolutely crazy, but yet so right at the same time, upside down, inside out, topsy turvy, yet to her it made sense, clear as daylight basically.

 

As the day went on she never questioned the choice she made to jump down that rabbit hole, because it was as if everything just fell into place, the pieces of the puzzle just started to fit, as if it just miraculously just made sense, even though the whole picture wasn’t even close to completion. As the morning turned to night, her heart was content, she was happy and she couldn’t explain why, but maybe it had something to do with that heart that she lost years ago, the heart that she picked up piece by piece when it crumbled into a thousand pieces, the heart she slowly pasted together and wrapped in wire, the heart she kept hidden behind high walls.

 

All she knows is that as the day progressed, her smile got bigger with every step she took, her eyes sparkled like they haven’t done before, her heart started pounding in a way that she wasn’t familiar with, as the sun set, and she knew she wouldn’t ever be the same. It might have been the day, it might also have been that she saw a glimpse of what was to come, or the taste it left on her lips, the feel it left on her skin, the smile it left on her face, or even her heartbeat; but it was then when she knew she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, just in that moment with the stars floating like fireflies and the moon illuminating a spotlight on them, she knew.

She knew that this was her rabbit hole, she knew that this is her road to travel, she knew that this road would make her walls come crumbling down, brick by brick, but she knew when her eyes met his when she still came to her sense as she landed on the grass; she knew he is and would be the one who not only travels the road with her to completion, but she knew that this was only day one, the start of an adventure that she couldn’t have dreamt off. This was her new beginning.

self-sabotage…

Self-sabotage

Noun – (Uncountable)

The sabotaging, whether consciously or subconsciously, of oneself.

Verb

(Third-person singular simple present self-sabotages, present participle self-sabotaging, simple past and past participle self-sabotaged)

To sabotage oneself or one’s own plans.

So I decided to begin this post with a definition, it is apparent what self- sabotage means, but a definition makes it seem like I did a ton of research, when I just want to figure out why I sabotage myself sometimes. I am this hopeless romantic, I believe in fairy tales, yes I believe in having a soul mate, I believe in not settling for anything that is mediocre, I mean I want that uncanny-crazy-spontaneous- I cannot even put into words- wonderfully- magically filled, fiery- explosive kind of love. Obviously this love I first have to feel and experience within myself, the type of love that I have for myself before I can even think of giving or receiving that from another person, and vice versa.

So why self-sabotage when it seems as if the perfect relationship or love story is about to happen or is already happening, why feel the need to look for exits and escape routes if this is something that will ultimately be the story that you seek?

Well, I want to quote J.Cole “don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved”. This one line is a perfect example of what happens when you or someone else wants to be the superhero who saves the damsel from her misery and want to give her/him the fairy tale ending you think they deserve. Thing is, not everyone wants to be saved, or everyone wants to be saved, but in most cases, actually all, one has to start with oneself, be one’s own superhero, start saving oneself. It is normal to want to be rescued and find that love that consumes every part of our beings and fibre, I mean wasn’t sleeping beauty in a deep sleep for over 100 years before she awoke by true loves kiss, or even Belle loving beast for what is on the inside and not what his exterior looked like, anyway this is beside the point. We all want to be loved unconditionally, but do we love ourselves unconditionally? If we do it will be so easy to love someone else, with all their flaws, quirks, and then you wouldn’t have time to look for exists and start self-sabotaging.

I have this problem where I self-sabotage love interests, not because I don’t believe in the possibility of every love being the one I have been searching for, but because when it feels mediocre and doesn’t resonate with the love and vibes I feel inside of me, why go ahead with it. I mean I always want to please others, be the perfect example or perfect partner that someone wants me to be, and in the process losing myself and the exit strategy… Self-sabotage. When you are really and truly in love with yourself, you know what you want, what kind of feeling you want to reciprocate, you know how far you are willing to compromise without losing yourself, your beliefs, your magical energy and the person who is meant for you will be pulled by the vibes and energy that you send out. It won’t be mediocre, it won’t be a case where someone has to be saved out of their misery, a case where someone settles because they are afraid that the person they are meant to be with is just a fantasy. It won’t be a case where you lose yourself to be a perfect partner for someone else, ending up pretending to be whom you are not and changing so much, because that is the love you decided to settle for.

I love this quotation/expression so much, definitely part of the next ink I get, “Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed…maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them”. I guess this just says it all for me.

Maybe she doesn’t want to be saved, because She Wants, she Deserves, NO she NEEDS to be her own hero. Maybe she self-sabotages because she knows within her being that the one she is with isn’t the one for her. Maybe she self- sabotages because she knows that she cannot pretend to be what she is not, in order to be part of a group who seems to be living the happiest life of relationships/ engagements/ marriages. Maybe she self-sabotages because she knows that the love that she has for herself still needs to grow, that she still need to love herself more in order to fully understand unconditional love, in order to give love in abundance, in order to be the partner who can be herself and be accepted for it, instead of pretending or neglecting parts of the self because the superhero didn’t sign up for that. Maybe she is just so content and happy and in love with herself that she knows what she deserves, that she knows what energy and vibes make her tingle, that she knows that she won’t settle, that she knows she won’t change herself to suit anyone who doesn’t deserve her, that she knows she will attract the right one, when the time is right.

So maybe I self- sabotage and I don’t want to be saved, and I won’t be tamed, the wild significant other will run with me and then self-sabotage will be a mere memory of what once was.

making sense

Most times I write just to make sense of what I feel, I try to figure out the twirling, swirling thoughts that fills and wrecks my brain. I want answers, I want to know why and how? I also know that in time the answers will find me and well sometimes I just know, and I think that is what makes it more difficult, knowing, when you believe with everything that you have, that you know.

Maybe it was just pure boredom or maybe it was more. Maybe I am reading too much into it, maybe I am not.

I just know the feeling I get whenever we meet just gets more intense with every interaction, it gets deeper with every bit that I get to know. I feel nervous, tongue tied, my mind goes blank, as if all words just disappeared whenever your presence is around me. I get this internal smile, that I cannot explain, it just warms me up inside. I have this grave passion to get to know you, to get to know every part of you, every laugh, every grin, and the way you get when playing a song that you like. You are like my song, every time I listen to it, I just like it more and more, I fall deeper into the lyrics every time, it touches my mind, my body, my heart, but it stirs something in my soul. I don’t know why I feel like this, and most of the time I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like this because what if you never reciprocate the feeling, what if this feeling is just a figment of my imagination, what if this is just what it is. I realise that even if you don’t or won’t ever reciprocate the feelings, I know that I wouldn’t mind, even if I have to get over you at some point I am fine with that, because the feeling I get when I just think of you lights me up, it makes me smile, it makes me happy, it is a feeling that I cannot explain but something I am certain I want to feel for the rest of my life. I want to cry because it all overwhelms me, it is almost like everything will fall into place the way it is supposed to be. I believe in fate, I believe in serendipity but most I believe in love, I believe in this feeling I have and get when you slip into my mind and into my life, I believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe that somewhere, somehow we will be. No matter how hard I try and forget about you it just doesn’t go away, the more excuses I look for the more justified the reality seems.

I may be reading too much into this all, but I may also just be trusting in what I feel, believing in that image I got of you, I’m just going with it, feeling what I am feeling. I just know that you, it is just you. I love you, and I fall deeper in love with every interaction, every hug, every kiss, every smile, every smack of the behind, every cuddle. It all will play out the way it is supposed to be, but I just know and I know that I love you…

mentally blocked

A mental blockage caused by the turmoil of emotions seeping through the nerves of a body trying to make sense of what is and what could be.
A mental blockage caused by overthinking, wanting to be brilliant and amazing
A mental blockage caused by not being where you want to be, feeling like a failure and as if success is just an image in a dream.
A mental blockage because being the only one believing in dreams and desires, by wanting to accomplish and making it a reality and having no idea how to do so.

A mental blockage because the desire to be brilliant becomes too much, doubting one’s ability and talent, pressurising oneself towards breaking point.
A mental blockage because the backspace button seems to be the perfect way to rather delete letters, words, sentences that may have been extraordinary, doubt causes this.
A mental blockage to forget what it feels like to be grateful because the wants overshadows the evident wonderful blessings.
A mental blockage because no matter how hard you seem to want to give up, quitting isn’t an option.
A mental blockage because even the expression of emotion through tears seem like a sign of weakness, a sign of giving up, a sign of not being good enough, a sign of fear and settling.
A mental blockage because wanting to be great, to be amazingly wonderful, is the only desire, to be heard, to put something so superb out there, to be a voice that needs to be heard
A mental blockage because patience is a virtue, because this is art, this is love, this is passion, this is what paint on a canvas, a magical sunset, anything but mediocre is.
A mental blockage that breaks what is left of the ego, to examine to mind, body, spirit, to breathe and feel the creativeness swim around like butterflies, to creatively expose the desire, the dream and manifest it by breaking down the blockage, just like the ego, to give life to inherent talents and just of the self.
A mental blockage , unwanted, undesired, breaking barriers, teaching patience, giving rise to creativity, manifesting dreams, trusting the gut feel, believing, hoping and having Faith.

the music didn’t start

Ever thought about giving up, surrendering, just letting go, saying goodbye, I’ve had enough, ta-ta, toodles, ciao. I’ve asked myself this question multiple times. When do I decide that I cannot take anymore, that my patience wears thin, that I cannot wait for the day or moment when my life will drastically change. When or in which moment do you decide to go on, to continue, despite not seeing the desired result after prolonged time had passed? In a split second you can make the decision to endure or succumb, the choice that will ultimately make you victorious or defeated. There is nothing wrong with giving up, just like there is nothing wrong with having to live with the consequences of the decision made.

 

The stage has been set, backdrop is hanging, props gathered, starting pose has been taken in, the music just has to start playing then all will be well with the world.

The music doesn’t start.

Being prepared, knowing the choreography of by heart and being able to do it in your sleep, but the music just won’t start. The second and third cd gets inserted, but yet the music won’t start playing. This is something you’ve worked towards, practised. Every step perfected to the note of a song that just won’t start playing. Having a choice to either run of stage and quit or proceed and having faith that all will be well. The nod of- you can do this- from a motherly face, the subtle external approval of an already encouraging inner voice.

The music didn’t start.

That inner voice says keep going. Starting to dance as if the music is amplified through the hall where you could hear a needle drop. Startling the adjudicators by a performance that couldn’t have been better performed by the presence of music. Perfecting every move, from the reach of the arms to the point of the toes, of a body lacking its rhythmic partner, but by the unconscious beat that swims through the mind, taking over the figure of a dancer portraying her character.

The music never started.

In that moment taking a leap of faith happened. Having absolutely nothing to lose, but having everything to gain. Performing without the most important tool, but unlocking the inner strength to go on, to execute the dance of a lifetime. The dance with no music, just the inherit tempo of a beat, fuelled by the need for success. The drive to not give up, to give and be the best, astonishing yourself in the process.

In a split second you can make the decision to give the best performance of your life, regardless of what you think lacks. That little voice overpowered the obvious or what was expected. That little voice encouraged, empowered and drove the body and mind to its full potential, its full capability. Sometimes things lack; the music struck out thrice, but my will power didn’t, the nod from my mother was the reassurance (and the inner voice) to know that I have this. It’s easy to give up when it seems nothing is going your way, when everything that can go wrong, actually goes wrong. In a moment you can just give up or ride out the wave and see what will and wants to flourish. Fighting against that voice, that gut feel, giving up when you know something inside says NO. When that music never starts, feel the beat that comes from within your soul, as long as that voice says keep going, I’ll keep on dancing.

 

(Getting an average of 94% for my dance exam, learning to never give up and I showed myself how courageous I Am. Quitting wouldn’t have got me those scores and eventually my national colours. So whenever I doubt myself, I think back to that day, my inner voice, gut feel called it –I GOT THIS)