i don’t know

I haven’t written in a while and it isn’t because I don’t have anything to say, I guess it is just because I don’t know how to gather my thoughts, how to make sense of all that is tumbling around in my head, how to release all the relentless emotions that fills me and make it seem as if I am on a rollercoaster ride with more lows than highs. It is funny how whenever I struggle with some sort of thing, it blocks my ability, my creativeness and I just have to start writing to make sense of it all or to figure out why and how. It is as if my writing is the solution to my problems and yet it is the most difficult thing do, when thoughts, ideas, emotions swims around like different colour washing in a tumble dryer. I even considered to stop writing all and all, and I get all teary when I say this, the thought crossed my mind to just stop writing. And this isn’t because I don’t have a story to tell, because I have plenty, this isn’t because I’m not enjoying it, because I am, it is just that sometimes it just flows out of me and other times (like now) it is all that makes sense and feels right to me, no matter the struggle it takes just to get started..

I am honestly freaking out, because for once in my life I found something that makes me truly happy, even just the thought of creating something in my mind before I actually lay it down on paper, excites me like a 16 year old heading out on her first date. As much as I am freaking out about something that excites me, I am freaking out because is this the right thing, this wasn’t at all in the plan and my 16 year old self would agree here. I guess I just visualised my life different and as much as I trust and believe and know that this is the way that it is supposed to be, I just figured it would be different. While I’m being honest, I figured that I would have this amazing career now, well on my way to being successful in the field that I decided to study toward (take into account that I did change my course of study, but not important now). Yes, I always saw myself as being this charismatic, confident, in control almost 26 year old, who has her life together and ticking all the boxes as she goes along. After the wonderful career was supposed to begin, I was supposed to get engaged to Prince Charming who ultimately turned out to be a frog and get married, the whole fairy tale experience, I mean why the F did I read all that ish for. So after getting married we would be living in our amazing home and start our family, which in my 16year old brain would be right about now.

So my timeline isn’t even close to that, not even remotely. And this is what makes me freak out, because am I even on the right path, am I going the right way, should I take another route or am I just freaking out. I ultimately am happy with the person I am now, yeah, even though career wise I am nowhere, (don’t know if my 16year old self would be disappointed, angry, mad, sad, happy or proud of me).I am not going to lie, sometimes it bothers me that I am not where I wanted to be but it makes me feel content that I know that the way I feel when I do what I love is ultimately the feeling that I chase and what I am after. Relationships, engagement, marriage, as I watch countless episodes of Brides searching for their perfect dresses, I am happy just doing that, watching. As I get ideas for my special day, someday, I realise that I am still growing into the woman I would want my future husband to meet, that I am still learning so much about myself, things that I fall in love with every day and when the time is right I know the right person will as well. I still feel like a child and that’s being honest, as much as age defines being mature or an adult, I actually still feel like a child, I guess I am still a 16year old at heart, now directing her life, or being on the path that she wants to be on.

I am turning 26 in exactly one week, am I freaked out? HELL YES, Am I scared? HELL YES!! And no this isn’t a quarter life crisis, I already went through that, thus the start of my blog, quarter life crisis gave birth to beautiful things. I guess this is just the next step, the step where I realise that everything is as it is supposed to be, the step where I realise that this is only the beginning even though it doesn’t feel like that all of the time. I realise that my 16 year old self would be proud of me, I broke the mould and I’m shattering it into pieces as I go along. I am not what I thought I would be, not in the least, but this is actually more exciting. Doing what makes me happy, chasing dreams and goals based on what brings me joy and happiness, no matter how outside of the box/the normal it is. I believe this is the beginning to greatness, this is the start to a career that I wouldn’t have been able to anticipate the magnitude, to a love story that’ll exceed the number 1 movies. I am just moving at my pace, taking my path and being happy while doing it. I don’t fit the mould and I’m glad that I don’t.

taking my own advice

It is so easy to give everyone around you sound and useful advice, when they are going through a somewhat difficult time, need a pep talk, need their confidence boosted, when they lost a chance/opportunity. Why is it so difficult to follow your own advice, why is it so difficult to sometimes remain positive when negativity and rejection strikes from all angles?

So apparently dealing with it and trying to be your own positive voice is what needs to be done, basically, taking the same meds that you dish out to others. So recently I chased an opportunity, something that I have been dreaming of, something that I wanted, something I saw as a stepping stone to take me to amazing new heights, just the start of something wonderful. I gave myself the much-needed pep-talks, the inspiration, the quotes, jokes and everything that I would tell another person when I want them to be and do their absolute best and of course to make them believe in themselves. I was high on positive energy and vibes and I guess I wanted it so badly I tricked my mind into believing that anything I put my mind too I can do and achieve.

I remember dripping in positivity, but having a calmness over me, like having a gut feel that just say that I’ll be fine, whether I do well or not. Having conversations with myself (those where I look myself in the eye and have a total heart to heart, team talk almost) and just releasing everything to the universe. So I took my own advice, I remained calm and just did my utmost best, I mean, they do say all you have to do and give is your best, and that is what I did. I stated that whatever the outcome, it will be in my best interest, (what a way to take my own advice).

The outcome wasn’t what I had hoped for and weirdly enough I was okay with it, I just patted myself on the back and cheered myself for taking chances and putting myself out there. I was okay with things not working out the way I Hoped and anticipated it too, and I knew in that moment that bigger and better things awaits (well that’s what I usually tell others and because I really believe it). I really figured that I was okay and I knew and still know that a year or two down the line the same opportunity I missed or didn’t get, will be the same opportunity that I will turn down or have as one of many options, because what I have is wonderful and I believe this with my heart and soul.

So I kind of had a break down, almost a month afterwards, because it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t get what I wanted so badly, that I don’t feel good enough, talented enough, what I did wrong, that I want to change me, that I still have to put so much work in myself and I don’t have the faintest clue where to start, and I just really started questioning my decisions and my next step. My next step as in will I allow this to remain just a dream, or will I keep pep-talking myself, having faith and hope, until, the doors and windows of opportunity are open so wide, that no gust of wind, tornado or anything can shut it.

I guess I realised that well, putting myself out there was really just the start, the start of wonderful ventures coming my way, the fact that the people who saw me at that opportunity that day will look back in a year or two and tell others about that day I didn’t get what I wanted, but look where I am now (you know the groupie effect, I knew her before everything). I know I made an impact and I know now just how badly I want to chase my dreams, how I need my talents to shine and be heard, spoken and written. But I am taking my own advice, my cliché pep-talks, my dreamer brain and I’m taking every day as it comes, because I know I have the ability to do amazing things and I am already busy doing so. And it is true, the more or often the No’s pour in, the quicker its shaken off and the closer the YES’s are… so I’ll just move forward, do what I do best and just keep believing in me.

P.S

It is also a year since I started my blog. Congratulations to myself on this milestone, to many more years to come, to pouring my heart, mind and soul onto this canvas, to doing something that I am so utterly proud of, to something that I love, to being the best me, cannot wait to fill this canvas for many more years to come… I am a proud blogger… JOHYPHENDENE (soon to be published writer, positive affirmations)

old year, New Year

So it’s the end another year, another year filled with endless amounts of happy, sad and even some unexplained moments. I read a while ago, a status of a friend that said don’t use the festive season to justify all the partying, hooking up and bad life choices at that time as Y.O.L.O.

The festive season is supposed to be a time of reflecting, reflecting on the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, success and failures and also the growth and stagnation that took place. It is also supposed to be a time of rejoicing, rejoicing in the sense of finding the smile in a crowd filled with tears, the laugh in an ocean of screams and the love in a world filled with hatred.

Standing on the brink of a new year, a new year filled with endless possibilities, with endless chances, choices, decisions and just pure hope, one has no choice but to reflect on a year passed. A year that passed that wasn’t necessarily filled with all the expectation that was hoped for, filled with disappointment, unreached goals, failed attempts at life, heartache that felt it would break the soul, discouragement in life, love and faith and also just general just depressing melt down filled moments. But with all the bad there was also the good, the good that was disguised behind the negative. The silver lining when a relationship ended that you gave your all too, the smile you put on the face of another when you were at your lowest, the pep talk you gave when you were down and out and needed one yourself, the rebuilding of a broken heart, seeing the progress you made even though it doesn’t feel like you made any. The weight you lost even when you gave up that New Year’s resolution after only five days, the mini steps you took towards reaching your dream, your passion, even if it felt like you didn’t.

So yes, maybe it is all about perspective, all about how you want things and need them to be, even if it doesn’t work out. Just remember life happens when we are busy making plans. Standing on the brink of a New Year, let’s make resolutions that will push us into the right direction. It’s taking that small step when a leap seems impossible, but even that step creates the giant leap and the bigger picture. It is about taking the time, reflecting and having positive thoughts, speaking life, happiness and prosperous thoughts over one’s life. It’s about being better than the previous day. It’s about being happy with you, YOU, The you that you see in the mirror, the you who dreams the dreams of achieving goals so crazy you don’t even want to say it out loud, the you who wants to be happy and let go of all the negativity that surrounds you, the you who wants to be better, for yourself, the You, who wants to spread love in everything that you do, the you who knows that success is within your grasp and when those voices of giving up starts to talk, you just say F U.

Yes it’s almost a New Year, new beginnings, but it starts with you. Letting go of all the negatives, seeking the positive in what happened, embracing the new opportunities even if it is disguised in an unattractive package, but it is about seizing the moment as cliché as it may seem.
At the end of an old year, we say cheers to amazing life experiences that was gift wrapped in heartache, sadness and negativity, we give a toast to the positivity and perseverance we were taught through the pessimism. We welcome the new year, with Faith in abundance, Hope beyond measure, Love totally beyond compare, dreams and manifestations that’s part of everyday life, but most of all to be happy, to be the best we can be and literally make the best of our todays the worst of our tomorrows..

2015, dreams, goals, desires…
2013 was practice
2014 was warm up
2015 GAME TIME!!!!

mentally blocked

A mental blockage caused by the turmoil of emotions seeping through the nerves of a body trying to make sense of what is and what could be.
A mental blockage caused by overthinking, wanting to be brilliant and amazing
A mental blockage caused by not being where you want to be, feeling like a failure and as if success is just an image in a dream.
A mental blockage because being the only one believing in dreams and desires, by wanting to accomplish and making it a reality and having no idea how to do so.

A mental blockage because the desire to be brilliant becomes too much, doubting one’s ability and talent, pressurising oneself towards breaking point.
A mental blockage because the backspace button seems to be the perfect way to rather delete letters, words, sentences that may have been extraordinary, doubt causes this.
A mental blockage to forget what it feels like to be grateful because the wants overshadows the evident wonderful blessings.
A mental blockage because no matter how hard you seem to want to give up, quitting isn’t an option.
A mental blockage because even the expression of emotion through tears seem like a sign of weakness, a sign of giving up, a sign of not being good enough, a sign of fear and settling.
A mental blockage because wanting to be great, to be amazingly wonderful, is the only desire, to be heard, to put something so superb out there, to be a voice that needs to be heard
A mental blockage because patience is a virtue, because this is art, this is love, this is passion, this is what paint on a canvas, a magical sunset, anything but mediocre is.
A mental blockage that breaks what is left of the ego, to examine to mind, body, spirit, to breathe and feel the creativeness swim around like butterflies, to creatively expose the desire, the dream and manifest it by breaking down the blockage, just like the ego, to give life to inherent talents and just of the self.
A mental blockage , unwanted, undesired, breaking barriers, teaching patience, giving rise to creativity, manifesting dreams, trusting the gut feel, believing, hoping and having Faith.