acknowledgement Of SELF

 

Sometimes all you want is just a pat on the back, just a “hey, keep up the good work”, the “I see your effort”, but hey we don’t always get what we want. And you know what it fucking sucks, yes it fucking sucks!

 

We have been conditioned or let me rephrase that, we seem to flourish more when we are praised, applauded, when we are encouraged to keep doing what we are doing, that all our efforts are seen and that yes we are acknowledged. It’s such a positive reinforcement to be encouraged or just to hear that your work is being recognised, that your determination is appreciated and seem to be an inspiration. It in general is just an amazing feeling to be appreciated, to be acknowledged, to be recognized; it is like doing a marathon and the supporters’ just cheers for you from the side and that makes you determined to finish the race, to keep going and to eventually cross the finish line.

 

So we don’t always get what we want, but we do get what we need. Yes, so you don’t seem to be getting pats on the back and high 5, even “likes”, but why do you keep doing what you are doing? Okay, the “likes” and acknowledgement would be incredible, I mean being accepted and praised for your efforts and what you are good at, feels mucking afazing. But you won’t always get that, and that is okay (okay, the more you tell yourself that, the more it will start to make sense).

Sometimes you have to be your own cheerleader, there are times (always) where you are the one who has to pat yourself on the back, times when you have to state to yourself that you acknowledge and appreciate your own efforts, that you see it and what you are doing is good. (And being one’s own motivation can also be challenging). It is the same thing with running a marathon, yes there are people cheering you on and say that you must keep going, but what happens in that last stretch, those dying moments when you can see the finish line… but you just cannot or won’t go any further, it is just too hard and there isn’t any gratification (at that point) except the pain that shoots through your muscles and joints, the sweat that covers every inch of your body and the thought “why the F am I doing this at all, for what? Am I F’n insane?”. In that moment you have to be your own cheerleader, you have to be the motivation that you so desperately need, in that moment you have to dig deep in yourself and just go in strong, telling yourself;

“just one more step”, when there is actually 1000 to go,

“you can do this”, when you feel like you can’t anymore,

“you are a winner”, when all the odds are stacked against you and you have been so accustomed to losing,

“you are amazing”, when you feel like a failure and like you won’t ever be any good,

“you got this”, when you gave up hope and feel like everything is at a loss.

“you are almost there”, when it feels like you are right where you started.

In that moment outside encouragement would be ideal, the extra push that you need, but most times it has to come from within.

It is that voice inside that screams at you to just keep going, that quitting was never and won’t ever be an option, the pat on the back that pushes you forward when you don’t want to go anymore, the I am Proud of you whispers that you say to yourself, these are what will actually allow you to keep going. Acknowledging your efforts, being in your own corner, speaking positivity into yourself when negativity drowns you.

It is you and only you who can decide if you want to keep going, pushing yourself; but you have to be your own motivation, your own cheerleader and yes patting yourself on the back gets strenuous and high 5’ing oneself feels stupid, but when you cross that line, you will be prouder of yourself than anyone could ever be.

chasing pavements- dreaming

What do you dream of doing? What is your passion? What dream drives you that no matter how, even though you don’t have the faintest clue how you are going to achieve that, but there is just something inside that assures you that you can and will achieve it.

I always associate movie/song quotes with what goes on in my life at a specific point in time, or I adapt it to suit my situation or see the similarities in it. there is this scene in Runner Runner where the FBI is investigating the “gambling ring” and this one guy wants out, he says he is getting a job in Wall Street and he says “so I’ll be rich, not super rich, I can deal”. So when do you decide that you can deal, that settling for what is set before you and giving up on the idea that you created in your mind,- because hey, dreams don’t put food on the table, dreams don’t put a roof over your head, so let go of the dream, store it in the back of your mind with all the rest of the childhood dreams that seemed like something out of a storybook- because it’s time to deal with what is right in front, it’s time to know that dreams aren’t reality and right now, “reality” wants and needs to be faced.

So when do you stop chasing pavements? When do you realise that this inherent dream might be all it will ever be. Not just because it is just a dream, but because you have no idea how to go about telling your dream, or you don’t even have a clue how to start chasing that pavement. At every step you get encouraged to chase a dream a little more attainable, a dream a little more realistic, a dream a little more mainstream. But how do you go about chasing that pavement? This isn’t a fairy tale so the fairy Godmother isn’t here to just miraculously wave her magic wand or Genie to grant your wish and make your dream come true. You need your own magic wand, which is obviously the wonderful degree/diploma, wave that around to get a foot in the door that takes you closer to your dream. If you don’t have that, well basically you are screwed, because you have to work ten times harder, because that piece of paper which in actual sense you paid for, the lack of it, limits the chances you get, the doors that open, because that magic wand is a step in the way of the dream. A dream after all is just as real as you want it to be, dreaming and not putting action to it will be just like chasing a pavement that leads nowhere. Putting action into it and praying for the fairy Godmother or Genie to discover you, to open that window to or give you that opportunity to show what is within you, to give you a chance to swing around the wand that is broken and taped up. A chance to take a step towards the goal that step by step makes the dream a reality.

So the dream is only as real as you want it to be, as real as how much you want it, as real as the effort you put in, as real as the pavements you chase to get to it, because stopping is not even remotely a choice. So maybe the dream has to be put on hold, stored in the back of the mind, because reality wants that. so that dream has to be kept on hold whilst reality happens, while you store your broken wand and invest in a new one, with the hopes that the wonderful new wand will open doors that will someday open a door to the dream of the pavement that is your goal. As long as the dream keeps persisting chasing the pavement is a reality of keeping the broken patched up wand, swinging and waving it until that Genie appears; a reality just as real as getting a new wand when you stop chasing the pavement that might lead nowhere and settle for the pavement that is presented.

I’ll wave the broken patched up wand, chasing the pavement that leads to my dreams and Wait for the Genie to open the window and make dreams a reality.

the music didn’t start

Ever thought about giving up, surrendering, just letting go, saying goodbye, I’ve had enough, ta-ta, toodles, ciao. I’ve asked myself this question multiple times. When do I decide that I cannot take anymore, that my patience wears thin, that I cannot wait for the day or moment when my life will drastically change. When or in which moment do you decide to go on, to continue, despite not seeing the desired result after prolonged time had passed? In a split second you can make the decision to endure or succumb, the choice that will ultimately make you victorious or defeated. There is nothing wrong with giving up, just like there is nothing wrong with having to live with the consequences of the decision made.

 

The stage has been set, backdrop is hanging, props gathered, starting pose has been taken in, the music just has to start playing then all will be well with the world.

The music doesn’t start.

Being prepared, knowing the choreography of by heart and being able to do it in your sleep, but the music just won’t start. The second and third cd gets inserted, but yet the music won’t start playing. This is something you’ve worked towards, practised. Every step perfected to the note of a song that just won’t start playing. Having a choice to either run of stage and quit or proceed and having faith that all will be well. The nod of- you can do this- from a motherly face, the subtle external approval of an already encouraging inner voice.

The music didn’t start.

That inner voice says keep going. Starting to dance as if the music is amplified through the hall where you could hear a needle drop. Startling the adjudicators by a performance that couldn’t have been better performed by the presence of music. Perfecting every move, from the reach of the arms to the point of the toes, of a body lacking its rhythmic partner, but by the unconscious beat that swims through the mind, taking over the figure of a dancer portraying her character.

The music never started.

In that moment taking a leap of faith happened. Having absolutely nothing to lose, but having everything to gain. Performing without the most important tool, but unlocking the inner strength to go on, to execute the dance of a lifetime. The dance with no music, just the inherit tempo of a beat, fuelled by the need for success. The drive to not give up, to give and be the best, astonishing yourself in the process.

In a split second you can make the decision to give the best performance of your life, regardless of what you think lacks. That little voice overpowered the obvious or what was expected. That little voice encouraged, empowered and drove the body and mind to its full potential, its full capability. Sometimes things lack; the music struck out thrice, but my will power didn’t, the nod from my mother was the reassurance (and the inner voice) to know that I have this. It’s easy to give up when it seems nothing is going your way, when everything that can go wrong, actually goes wrong. In a moment you can just give up or ride out the wave and see what will and wants to flourish. Fighting against that voice, that gut feel, giving up when you know something inside says NO. When that music never starts, feel the beat that comes from within your soul, as long as that voice says keep going, I’ll keep on dancing.

 

(Getting an average of 94% for my dance exam, learning to never give up and I showed myself how courageous I Am. Quitting wouldn’t have got me those scores and eventually my national colours. So whenever I doubt myself, I think back to that day, my inner voice, gut feel called it –I GOT THIS)