self-sabotage…

Self-sabotage

Noun – (Uncountable)

The sabotaging, whether consciously or subconsciously, of oneself.

Verb

(Third-person singular simple present self-sabotages, present participle self-sabotaging, simple past and past participle self-sabotaged)

To sabotage oneself or one’s own plans.

So I decided to begin this post with a definition, it is apparent what self- sabotage means, but a definition makes it seem like I did a ton of research, when I just want to figure out why I sabotage myself sometimes. I am this hopeless romantic, I believe in fairy tales, yes I believe in having a soul mate, I believe in not settling for anything that is mediocre, I mean I want that uncanny-crazy-spontaneous- I cannot even put into words- wonderfully- magically filled, fiery- explosive kind of love. Obviously this love I first have to feel and experience within myself, the type of love that I have for myself before I can even think of giving or receiving that from another person, and vice versa.

So why self-sabotage when it seems as if the perfect relationship or love story is about to happen or is already happening, why feel the need to look for exits and escape routes if this is something that will ultimately be the story that you seek?

Well, I want to quote J.Cole “don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved”. This one line is a perfect example of what happens when you or someone else wants to be the superhero who saves the damsel from her misery and want to give her/him the fairy tale ending you think they deserve. Thing is, not everyone wants to be saved, or everyone wants to be saved, but in most cases, actually all, one has to start with oneself, be one’s own superhero, start saving oneself. It is normal to want to be rescued and find that love that consumes every part of our beings and fibre, I mean wasn’t sleeping beauty in a deep sleep for over 100 years before she awoke by true loves kiss, or even Belle loving beast for what is on the inside and not what his exterior looked like, anyway this is beside the point. We all want to be loved unconditionally, but do we love ourselves unconditionally? If we do it will be so easy to love someone else, with all their flaws, quirks, and then you wouldn’t have time to look for exists and start self-sabotaging.

I have this problem where I self-sabotage love interests, not because I don’t believe in the possibility of every love being the one I have been searching for, but because when it feels mediocre and doesn’t resonate with the love and vibes I feel inside of me, why go ahead with it. I mean I always want to please others, be the perfect example or perfect partner that someone wants me to be, and in the process losing myself and the exit strategy… Self-sabotage. When you are really and truly in love with yourself, you know what you want, what kind of feeling you want to reciprocate, you know how far you are willing to compromise without losing yourself, your beliefs, your magical energy and the person who is meant for you will be pulled by the vibes and energy that you send out. It won’t be mediocre, it won’t be a case where someone has to be saved out of their misery, a case where someone settles because they are afraid that the person they are meant to be with is just a fantasy. It won’t be a case where you lose yourself to be a perfect partner for someone else, ending up pretending to be whom you are not and changing so much, because that is the love you decided to settle for.

I love this quotation/expression so much, definitely part of the next ink I get, “Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed…maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them”. I guess this just says it all for me.

Maybe she doesn’t want to be saved, because She Wants, she Deserves, NO she NEEDS to be her own hero. Maybe she self-sabotages because she knows within her being that the one she is with isn’t the one for her. Maybe she self- sabotages because she knows that she cannot pretend to be what she is not, in order to be part of a group who seems to be living the happiest life of relationships/ engagements/ marriages. Maybe she self-sabotages because she knows that the love that she has for herself still needs to grow, that she still need to love herself more in order to fully understand unconditional love, in order to give love in abundance, in order to be the partner who can be herself and be accepted for it, instead of pretending or neglecting parts of the self because the superhero didn’t sign up for that. Maybe she is just so content and happy and in love with herself that she knows what she deserves, that she knows what energy and vibes make her tingle, that she knows that she won’t settle, that she knows she won’t change herself to suit anyone who doesn’t deserve her, that she knows she will attract the right one, when the time is right.

So maybe I self- sabotage and I don’t want to be saved, and I won’t be tamed, the wild significant other will run with me and then self-sabotage will be a mere memory of what once was.

heart and mind

How do you win a battle between heart and mind?

How do you make sense of what comes from the heart and what the mind conjures up?

How do you fight between the heart that knows what it wants and the mind rationalising all that it comprehends.

It comes down to the unexplainable sensation that ripples through your body when a single note, a familiar whiff, one reference, which allows the heart to blossom against all rationality.

It comes down to the instant flash of memory that unconsciously takes you back to that place of reminiscing, only to reasonably stop and just remain a memory.

The louder the mind speaks, strategically and smartly lining up and appealing what it wants, needs, craves…

The heart gives a thump, a thump to make known the wants, needs and craving of it desires…

The louder the mind, the faster the heartbeat, the rational mind versus the impulsive heart, what feels right and what is right.

It comes down to little doubt accidentally planted in the rational mind, maintaining the well thought out story, as safe as it comes

It comes down to the impulsive heart that no rationality can explain, just the incredible sensation that no safety net is required.

It comes down to listening and feeling the heart, to lose control of rationality and just exploring what it say. To the reasonable mind to just let go and make sense even the unexplainable and not so sensible.

It comes down to the fight between the rational mind and the impulsive heart. It is the fight between the practical and abstract, it is between thumping of a heart and what it wants, and, the loud buzzing of the mind and what it requires.

chasing pavements- dreaming

What do you dream of doing? What is your passion? What dream drives you that no matter how, even though you don’t have the faintest clue how you are going to achieve that, but there is just something inside that assures you that you can and will achieve it.

I always associate movie/song quotes with what goes on in my life at a specific point in time, or I adapt it to suit my situation or see the similarities in it. there is this scene in Runner Runner where the FBI is investigating the “gambling ring” and this one guy wants out, he says he is getting a job in Wall Street and he says “so I’ll be rich, not super rich, I can deal”. So when do you decide that you can deal, that settling for what is set before you and giving up on the idea that you created in your mind,- because hey, dreams don’t put food on the table, dreams don’t put a roof over your head, so let go of the dream, store it in the back of your mind with all the rest of the childhood dreams that seemed like something out of a storybook- because it’s time to deal with what is right in front, it’s time to know that dreams aren’t reality and right now, “reality” wants and needs to be faced.

So when do you stop chasing pavements? When do you realise that this inherent dream might be all it will ever be. Not just because it is just a dream, but because you have no idea how to go about telling your dream, or you don’t even have a clue how to start chasing that pavement. At every step you get encouraged to chase a dream a little more attainable, a dream a little more realistic, a dream a little more mainstream. But how do you go about chasing that pavement? This isn’t a fairy tale so the fairy Godmother isn’t here to just miraculously wave her magic wand or Genie to grant your wish and make your dream come true. You need your own magic wand, which is obviously the wonderful degree/diploma, wave that around to get a foot in the door that takes you closer to your dream. If you don’t have that, well basically you are screwed, because you have to work ten times harder, because that piece of paper which in actual sense you paid for, the lack of it, limits the chances you get, the doors that open, because that magic wand is a step in the way of the dream. A dream after all is just as real as you want it to be, dreaming and not putting action to it will be just like chasing a pavement that leads nowhere. Putting action into it and praying for the fairy Godmother or Genie to discover you, to open that window to or give you that opportunity to show what is within you, to give you a chance to swing around the wand that is broken and taped up. A chance to take a step towards the goal that step by step makes the dream a reality.

So the dream is only as real as you want it to be, as real as how much you want it, as real as the effort you put in, as real as the pavements you chase to get to it, because stopping is not even remotely a choice. So maybe the dream has to be put on hold, stored in the back of the mind, because reality wants that. so that dream has to be kept on hold whilst reality happens, while you store your broken wand and invest in a new one, with the hopes that the wonderful new wand will open doors that will someday open a door to the dream of the pavement that is your goal. As long as the dream keeps persisting chasing the pavement is a reality of keeping the broken patched up wand, swinging and waving it until that Genie appears; a reality just as real as getting a new wand when you stop chasing the pavement that might lead nowhere and settle for the pavement that is presented.

I’ll wave the broken patched up wand, chasing the pavement that leads to my dreams and Wait for the Genie to open the window and make dreams a reality.