The Kind Of Funny, weird, quirky, My kinda awesome

 

I don’t think it is funny. I don’t think that it is funny that I instantaneously started smiling as soon as I hear that voice. I wouldn’t say I am irritated, or mad, or playing a bit hard to get, speaking in that stern serious tone of voice, just to bring a point across, in actuality wanting to sounding all cool calm and collected.

In the mean-team as I say “Heloo”, you respond with that captivating happy sound that so effortlessly flow from your lips “Hi, how are you”; just there I could see that smile that captures you at every turn and each time engulfs you like the first, all this just by the sound of his voice.

Something weird always happens when I hear his voice, and it isn’t because I am quirky in my own right, it is just something that I think is super funny and it makes me smile and happy, because it makes me laugh, and guess who causes it…him.

I am bilingual and more than efficiently fluent in both, when I speak to him, it is almost as if the different wires that is connected in my brain, somehow gets crossed, it is like I have so many things that I want to tell him and want to say, that it all just wants to flow from my tongue in a ramble, as all the words formed wants an escape, but then when the words want to take form and escape my mouth, I start stuttering…

My English and Afrikaans gets mixed, I think in Afrikaans and speak in English and then I think in English and speak in Afrikaans, all in the matter of seconds, and my hearts starts beating with this busy ongoing in my mind, my cheeks start flustering, and I just smile.

Because in that moment you know exactly all that I want to say, you understand every sentence like it gets described and explained to the T, but I think the best part is that, you actually listen. The way you listen so intently to not just hear but to actually pay attending, to actually take note, even though the words fumbling from my lips are tangled up dilly utterances, you get it, you just get it.

 

I just don’t get how the sound of your voice, at the same time brings this serenity over me, this calm happy feeling, this glow that sprouts from within, a glow that is formed in the soul and gets pulled out only by vibes that echoes with the vibes that resonate with my soul.

And this is still just only by the sound of your voice, it is as if your voice touches every part of my senses, I not only hear you, but I listen to you, I listen to the words from your mouth, I see the smile on your voice, I feel the happiness in your voice, causing a smirk, causing cheeks to turn mauve, eyes to glisten, as if the energy gets transferred from you to me, as if instantaneously our vibe is the same.

I do think it is kind of cool that every phone call I have with you is kind of awesome, besides the fact that I feel it is weird and funny and quirky.

I think it is kind of cool, because every time it feels like one of the best conversations, no matter how short or long, it feels soothing and so gentle, it is like a calm to just quiet the ruffled. So even if it is weird and funny and quirky, it is my kind of cool, my kind of vibe, and my kind of awesome.

Leap Down the Rabbit Hole- Part 1

She found herself like Alice in Wonderland, somewhere, somehow she tumbled down that rabbit hole. How it all happened she cannot say, how she stumbled or decided to jump down that hole she also cannot say, but she knows for certain that she wasn’t pushed…she knew that down that hole a whole new world and experience was waiting for her…she was urged by her gut, to just take that leap of faith. Before she took that leap/jump, or whatever you want to call it, she wasn’t certain of anything, but one thing she knew for certain was, that down that hole, everything that she always wanted and desired was waiting on her.

 

She was in a place where she was living her day to day life, you know the monotonous, everyday routine stuff that she got so accustomed too, that just the idea of doing something out of the ordinary scared her senseless. Until that beautiful sunny day, that beautiful sunny day that she wanted to spend indoors, and until this day she believes that it was the universe that or castrated her fall down the rabbit hole. Maybe at that moment she wasn’t fully aware of what going down that rabbit hole entailed, but some sense of freedom, a feeling of content just washed over her and she knew that no matter what was to happen and also what wasn’t supposed to happen, that she would be okay with any outcome.

 

As she jumped down the hole, she was met by the Hatter (the modern kind, but still just as fabulously colorful as she has read all her life). The Hatter reassured her that all she had to do was be herself and the pathway would open up to her without obstacles, obviously she doubted this, but that butterflies in her stomach whispered to her that being herself is all that she had to be and that, that would be her compass to follow the crooked road without any obstacles. She knew from experience that being her true and genuine self, the self that she was comfortable with, was the only self that she wanted anyone to know. She knew that she didn’t need to pretend to be brave or even afraid, because her face and emotions she wore on her sleeve and by being just who she was, was more than enough. Okay so this all might sound extremely weird and freaky, but this a modern day type of fairy tale, nah it isn’t a fairy tale, it is true life after all. As she started walking down that path all she was certain off, was that in that moment she didn’t want to be anywhere else, she knew that this would be the start of things that she has only experienced in her dreams; things that her 13 old self secretly wrote down in the diary which said “Private-DO NOT READ, on the cover” and dated to perfection.

 

There wasn’t any obstacles that first day, or that is what she figured, but the obstacles came in subtle ways, ways where she had to make split second decisions, decisions that always bothered her, because for some reason she always had the ability to make the wrong one. But down this path when faced with making a decision she figured the puzzle out in an instant, she listened to her intuition, that made all the difference, she started listened to her gut, to that voice that she always avoided because she was scared that she couldn’t always control certain or all situations. This day she just went with it and knew that this path would lead her exactly where she wanted to be. To her it seemed absolutely crazy, but yet so right at the same time, upside down, inside out, topsy turvy, yet to her it made sense, clear as daylight basically.

 

As the day went on she never questioned the choice she made to jump down that rabbit hole, because it was as if everything just fell into place, the pieces of the puzzle just started to fit, as if it just miraculously just made sense, even though the whole picture wasn’t even close to completion. As the morning turned to night, her heart was content, she was happy and she couldn’t explain why, but maybe it had something to do with that heart that she lost years ago, the heart that she picked up piece by piece when it crumbled into a thousand pieces, the heart she slowly pasted together and wrapped in wire, the heart she kept hidden behind high walls.

 

All she knows is that as the day progressed, her smile got bigger with every step she took, her eyes sparkled like they haven’t done before, her heart started pounding in a way that she wasn’t familiar with, as the sun set, and she knew she wouldn’t ever be the same. It might have been the day, it might also have been that she saw a glimpse of what was to come, or the taste it left on her lips, the feel it left on her skin, the smile it left on her face, or even her heartbeat; but it was then when she knew she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, just in that moment with the stars floating like fireflies and the moon illuminating a spotlight on them, she knew.

She knew that this was her rabbit hole, she knew that this is her road to travel, she knew that this road would make her walls come crumbling down, brick by brick, but she knew when her eyes met his when she still came to her sense as she landed on the grass; she knew he is and would be the one who not only travels the road with her to completion, but she knew that this was only day one, the start of an adventure that she couldn’t have dreamt off. This was her new beginning.

endings and new beginnings

 

So they say in every ending there is a better beginning, but to this day I still don’t know who they are. I believe in this though, with every ending there is something miraculously amazing waiting for us. When we here “ending”, it comes as devastating and also a lot of questions, because we just instinctively think that indeed it is the end, but have we forgotten that they also say that every cloud has a silver lining. The silver lining is the new beginning or lesson we had to learn from a certain experience, but we are so fixated on the ending that we don’t necessarily see the wonderfully beautiful beginning emerging.

 

I have been experiencing a lot of endings lately, my best friend is moving, one of my favorite aunts is also moving, and I just lost a part of the family, our dog Tyson was put out today. I want to cry so badly about all these things, but it is like something within me instinctively says “this is all for the greater good and that better things are coming”. I think I just realized again today that no matter how difficult endings are, it is preparing us for something better, even though I just want to lift my two middle fingers in the air and say FUCK YOU so hard. It is okay to wallow in the emotion that you are feeling at this present moment, I mean it is an ending, it can be a relationship, a project that didn’t go as planned, it can be anything, thing is, it is just as painful. We need to grieve and experience the hurt that comes with an ending, we need to experience these emotions to successfully move forward. We can hide our hurt and sadness, but some or other time, the real and true emotions will show. So if you need to wallow a little, do that, if you need to cry, do that, if you need to scream, scream as loud as you can, the moment you allow these emotions to leave you then you deal with it, and like someone once told me; The only way to get past it, is to go through it and experience everything, hurt, puffy eyes and all.

 

So what does a new beginning mean? Does it mean that you just purely have to forget about the ending and just move somewhere somehow to find and the embrace the wonderful that is peeking around the corner? For me personally when an ending occurs it usually means that the lesson I was supposed to learn was taught to me, but it is my responsibility to look for the silver lining, for the beautiful part, for the lesson I was supposed to learn from it. Believe me this is difficult for me, because I know and believe with everything I have that every ending bring great new beginnings, but in that moment it is difficult as fuck to see and perceive. An ending prepares us for the blessings, for the amazing intentions that we set for ourselves to manifest, and there is also a reason for everything, you can decide if you want to see that silver lining or if you just want to remain in the state of what you have lost.

 

I am going to be brutally honest, as much as the tears well up in my eyes, my soul started smiling, yes it is kind of contradictory, but it makes sense in the weirdest way. I still do not why, how or for what reason, but I know every ending in my life at this point has something extraordinary in store. Maybe it is intuition, maybe it is belief, maybe it is faith, fate or hope, okay, it is all of the above, but my soul knows that everything is going to be okay. The past month I have experienced remarkable things, you know those kind of things that you create in your mind and dream about daily and when it happens it surpasses all expectation and dreams. Well I just take that as my silver lining, well not the full silver lining, but just a taste of what is to come. I am a firm believer of what you dream, what you affirm the universe will send to you in the right time, because what you are seeking is already seeking you. So no matter how difficult the endings are, the beginning will bring new life, new faith, new life and a ton load of manifestations. I mean what you put out into the universe you get back, energy attracts and new beginnings is proof of this.

 

Endings are hard as fuck, it hurts like a MOFO, but that new beginning waving over the horizon, well hey, that is something that you have been waiting for, praying for and believing in all along. Endings suck, fuck it sucks, but every ending teaches us something to make us move forward with resilience and to embrace what is waiting for us. We live and we learn, it is temporary hurt, we just shouldn’t be scared and be willing, ready and able to embrace what the new beginning brings us. When you take that leap, that is where you are going to find it, and new beginnings brings Love, happiness, courage, joy, just as long as you are willing to embrace it.

the worst part

“I think the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him, it was losing myself”

How many times isn’t this the exact same feeling that you experience when going through a break-up, whether it be a romantic relationship, a deeply bonded friendship, even a job or opportunity you figured was exactly what you needed and made you feel so absolutely alive, joyful and happy. When this all comes to an end, the saddest part is when you realise that losing him/her/that wasn’t the worst part, the worst part was, that you no longer recognise the face that stares back at you when you look in the mirror. You get so caught up and so lost that you forget who and what you are supposed to be.

Losing yourself in any experience is the worst thing that can happen, changing who you are for someone else, for something, for an experience to the point where who you are becomes just a mere memory of someone who you once were. Realising that all the time you were investing in that involvement, with every part you gave of yourself you gave a part that couldn’t be replaced, parts that you ended up losing and would be even more difficult to replace and mend than shattered pieces of heart, than a wondering mind craving answers, than confidence that has to be rebuilt with a very firm foundation.

What do you do when you realise that you lost who you were? The person who you were before entering that relationship, that partnership, that company? How do you start picking up the pieces of what is a reminder of who you once were, pieces that you left along the road to create what you thought was the ultimate experience. Almost like in Hansel and Gretel where the bread crumbs could transcend as pieces of who and what you are that gets scattered along the road to help you find your way back to yourself, but when you turn around all that is lost. When you realise that the road you were on to the candy coated house wasn’t all that you anticipated it to be, that all that glistens indeed aren’t all so golden? How do you get back when you don’t have the road marks to lead you back to where and who you were.

That’s the thing about realising that you actually lost who you are, that you gave so much of yourself that you gave the pieces who makes you, you, the you who are or were passionate about falling in love, about entering the exciting world of skills that were set before you. Having to get refocused and dig deep and get to know who you were before and during and who you want to be. In losing that piece/person/partnership you get to find you.

The worst part isn’t losing the other person, job or opportunity, it after all is a learning curve and it makes us who we are, and makes us realise what we want, what we will tolerate and to what lengths and extremes we will go through to keep it, and we do get over it. But how do we get over realising that the biggest part of the experience was losing who you are, what makes and made you attractive and passionate, that attracted the joy and happiness that you seek, but also the confidence that now is broken down to rubble.

Losing yourself gives you the chance to go on a journey and start to find and explore who you were, but also who you are after the experience that you went through. The worst experience makes for the best ones, makes you rebuild yourself who you are, picking up the broken rundown pieces, toughening up, standing firm in who and what you are, believing and finding new-found love and determination for your passion and what you stand for. So in losing him/her/that, you become the -no nonsense taking I fight for what I want, I won’t tolerate anything less than what I want, I won’t settle for less than I deserve, confidently, strong meticulous – you that you once were, sometimes experiencing the worst, makes way for the best to shine through.