Let It Go (Own Advice)

 

If someone could just tell me why it is so difficult to follow one’s own advice? I mean not that as if I am sitting around being- ask “Miss JO” or “Agony Aunt” or as if I am dishing out advice to anyone who seems in need of it. But is so easy to dish out spoonful’s of advice to others and yet when one has to take that same advice, it is as if there is a short circuit somewhere in the brain, almost like load shedding, it just isn’t that easy to do and take. I totally and utterly suck when it comes to following my own advice, okay, let me be honest; I do give some killer advice and a mean pep-talk, but somehow sometimes I just don’t want to take my own.

 

I recently had this nagging feeling that there are certain things in my life that I need to let go off, and of course my horoscope also kept on referring to that as well. For some or other reason I always thought that I had let that thing go, but to my surprise (not as if it was really a surprise) I haven’t. It is one of those situations where it unconsciously controls certain aspects of your life that you aren’t even aware off. I never really addressed this issue, because I mean I was so over it and I kind of made peace with it in my own way, and guess what, I didn’t.

 

So what triggered this “event” where I decided to address the hidden issue and follow my own advice?

 

I like to binge watch series (that is literally one of my guilty pleasures), and I came across Being Mary Jane. Well I won’t give away the plot and what it is about, but I personally think that whatever books we read, programs we watch, we all interpret it in different ways. There is of course a central message in the story or plot, but just as unique as you are, that is the unique experience or message you take away from whatever medium it is that you dealt with and came into contact with.

But anyway back to my explanation, as I was watching this series, the issue of letting go pops up, a lot…so this literally had me thinking about my life, or certain aspects that I mask so good, situations I dealt with but not to the point of actually letting it go (and yet I wondered why some states had me by the balls), sweeping things under the carpet per say. So I realised that I have to start taking my own advice, I can so easily tell someone else how to approach a situation and how to deal with it (experience of course), but when I have to do it myself, it is F’n difficult.

 

So I just decided to put my big girl panties on and follow my own advice (also what I took from the series) and start letting go of things that is silently dragging me down and pulling me back. The moment you start to tell yourself to let go, you start to look for far-fetched reasons not to, telling yourself that you have it under control, that you don’t have a problem (admitting that is a problem is crucial), but at the end of the day, the way your heart, mind and soul feels, will tell you, that you have to let it go.

 

For 9 years I have been holding on to something, obviously I thought I let it go a long time ago, I mean, I dealt with it in my own way or should I say the “mature” way at that time, I gave myself a pep-talk and figured I was over it. But a few weeks ago I just came to the realisation that unconsciously I have been holding on to this particular situation, decisions I have made, words I have spoken and the way I defended or hid the true nature of what was actually going on. I guess I just realised if I didn’t let it go now, the next 9years would revolt in a more toxic condition, and instead of moving on, this back and forth would continue and I would just keep on being stuck in this quicksand that already swallowed me whole.

 

So how did listening to my own advice help me?

I decided to be honest with myself, being honest with oneself is probably one of the hardest things to do, we are preconceived to wear masks and show a façade, but that moment when we take that mask off and look ourselves in the mirror, who looks back at us? What truth is revealed?  The moment I started being honest with myself, I realised the reason why I haven’t truly let this go, was because somehow I was still hoping that there was a slight chance that things would and could change (dumb right? nope). I realised that I was so fixated on emotions that I think I felt or might have felt, that I was willing to settle for the least, just so I didn’t fully have to let it go, I realised that I still care more than I was aware off. I realised that I love and appreciate myself more than anything and that this subconscious sweeping under the carpet of this situation doesn’t resonate with the person that I fought so hard to become. I realised by being honest with myself I gained the power to be honest with those around me, to not apologise for what I feel and why I do, I realised that I was the one who chose to stay in this position, because it was familiar, because letting go would mean that it truly will be the end.

I just realised that it is okay to let it go, to let go of the constant back and forth, the swings and misses, hanging onto something, a feeling, that will slowly kill parts of you and will let you miss out on what is already in your life and that yet to come. By letting go, you are taking a leap of Faith (and having Faith has also been prominent lately), by letting go, you are freeing yourself, by letting go you regain power, by letting go and basically just free falling, is exactly when you start spreading your wings and flying.

Then you have yourself saying “I should have taken my own advice a long time ago- as the tears turns to smiles, because no matter what, faith”.

the D word

The D word

Never thinking it is possible until it happens. Everything is amazing the one moment and then the simplest of things triggers it -one complaint, an answer unknown, and one push just a little over the line- and it starts. A spiral down an unfamiliar road that just seems gloomy, but at a speed of 200km/h there is no turning back. It takes commitment to avalanche down that mountain.

 

The D word

 

The empty emotionless feeling inside: Eyes– burned by the waterworks, Heart cold and stern, Nothing– makes sense and won’t ever seem to. The darkness so appealing and giving up, living for the gloomy sombre confined space between four walls. The heat of the covers pulled over ones head to hide the pain that embodies the body. Light completely blocked out as it just illuminates the emotive struck by sorrow. The D word thrives in the gloom, the scary places of a torn-apart-weak-mind- with no prospects of light, just the unfriendliness of a bad playground, planting its roots so deep, displacing the persona of a once happy creature.

 

The D word

 

Consuming the mind and body of a 20 year old, it’s enough, it’s too much, and it’s too overwhelming. Comparing the state of mind to one of three smiley faces, to a number between 1 and 10, to an option between; never – some of the time – most of the time. Accepting the fate decided by the D word, to be forever claimed a victim of this selfish emotive state of mind, body and being. Carrying a burden, a secret, putting on a false façade and showing the total opposite of what is really going on inside. Spoken words- saying the right thing at the right time, pulling the forced smirk that misleads the truth behind the eyes. Embodying the term that is the D word and carrying all its meanings and making it a crutch.

 

The D word

It becomes the safety net. It’s a drug, a drug of the awareness and thoughts, a drug that spirals into the pit of no return, where the comeback seems to low-spirited. Climbing out, but just sliding further down. The crutch of a body engulfed by negativity, swamped by grief, infested with heartache, drowned in sorrow. Pain rushing through the heart attempting to pump the negativity into positivity , every short lived smile a victory for the fight against the D word.

 

The D word

It thrives on negative energy. Sunlight and happiness, the rehab to get the drug out of the system. The crutch broken, that is the D word! The mask removed that hid the false emotions of a body fenced by the IT. Positivity breaking through like the first ray of sun after a storm. Taking a vow, to break the crutch, to take charge, to not believe the word that is Depression, to not be consumed, enchanted and intrigued by its winking and waving. To hide behind emotions of an upside down smiley face and relying on downheartedness to somehow, somewhere make a better day.

 

The D word doesn’t live here anymore.

Depression, won’t be entertained, invited and used as a crutch.

Return to sender… this address is unknown

I wonder how it feels…

I wonder how it feels and what goes through the mind of a young mister falling in love. I wonder how it feels when the simple thought of seeing the glistening smile that makes the little hairs on the back of an excited -kind of young boy feeling- man stands up when he sees her. I wonder what goes through the swirling mind of a thought and dream state moment, when he realises that he is actually falling. I wonder how it feels when the heart beating so fast in the chest, -where she lays her head, is completely and utterly ready to love and wanting to reserve the heart beating so fast in the chest, where she lays her head-, just for her. I wonder how it feels when he touches the hand that will hold his and grasp his, and it will be the only hand that he wants to hold through the taking the kids first day to school, being promoted at work, be it in a state of a saddened heart, till the porch on the old age home. I wonder how it feels when the love that consumes the heart and mind of a man is only explainable in the way his heart is so focussed to encapsulate and protect her heart. I wonder how it feels when the love song that was always disliked by the ears of a heart not yet being touched by the undying love, is the only song that touches the ears of a heart touched by undying love. I wonder how it feels when the butterflies start fluttering in the nervous stomach of an adrenalin filled body ready to go down on one knee and asking her to be the one he shares his life with. I wonder how it all feels. I just really wonder; how it feels when the heart and mind is jumping and racing to the same rhythm in the wonderful unknown state of falling in love. I wonder how it feels when his heart beats so fast that the sound of the oxygen filled blood vessels is heard over the deep inhaling of the lungs of a body gasping for air, because she just took his breath away. I wonder how it feels when he just sits back and just knows, when he knows that no logical, illogical coincidence could explain what is happening to him, but all that he knows is that it is right. I wonder how it feels when his spirit is so consumed and content in the wonderful liberating thing that is Love, when he knows that this feeling is the most gracious emotion that he could have been blessed with, that it needs to be shared with her.

So I really just wonder how it feels and what goes through the mind of a young mister falling in love.

it becomes more about the…

It becomes more about the WOW! It becomes more about the unexpected smile, the unexpected nod by a stranger. It becomes more about the simple conversation, started by a trembling voice. It becomes more about how its just happening.

It started with a scratch on the back of a primary school song book. It started with a line in a boring maths book. It Rebelled to a noticeable note on the bathroom stall of a high school bathroom. It took its rest when the prospects looked all so bright… hidden in only the diary of a university driven, test passing, social ladder climber, lessons learned, heartbroken, wanting an out option, diary of a 19 year old. It winked out 😉 tried 2 make a young appearance through the alluring of a social network. It came through in the emotion filled note that just wanted a breathing space, a gasp for air. It bullied its way out with the essays, that creativity took a break on. It fought its way through, when writing was prescribed as a healing aid- on that comfortable couch, tissues on the table, soothing voice surrounded psychologists office-. It broke down the walls, came in screaming and banging, when the silence kicked it. When the stillness of mind, forces you to recap, rethink, re evaluate, and just remember. The stillness breaking a silence so deep within, a silence waiting to scream out and be released. It makes its ways, screaming through the blood filled vains of a body ready to shout out what it has been hiding. Shouting a message, song, feeling, so loud, so crazily Joyous filled, Happiness induced, Love flowing word, it seems impossible to believe.

It becomes more about the unexpected smile, the unexpected nod by a stranger. It becomes more about the simple conversation, started by a trembling voice. It becomes more about how its just happening.

So when they ask, that’s what I’ma tell them. That’s where it started, and that’s why, it becomes more about the unexpected, undeserving, amazing moments.

unapologetic apology never spoken

The unspoken apology that wasn’t spoken, the anticipation of it, but it never comes. Accepting an unspoken apology. Its sometimes in the unspoken where we find the peace to accept and forgive. Its finding that in forgiveness, Love wants to bloom.

In the search of wanting the spoken word, clinging to what was, what went wrong, clinging to wanting to hear what comes from the throat of a pleading heart. The words that never escaped, the mouth, where those words never formed in the throat, in the gut, in the heart. Accepting the unsaid, forgiving the unapologetic, taking the unspoken and turning it into the spoken. Finding the peace within a moment of closure never experienced, never gotten, gotten robbed off. Finding the peace within a moment that starts the path to Love. To real Love, The I Love Myself Love, The overwhelming, enchanting I will shower you with my Love, kind Love. The Love that an unopened, unexplored, unknown “closure” started. The unapologetic caused the wounds to heal quicker, to easen the pain of the scabs falling off, leaving a scar of what once was, a mark running so deep it opened the cracks of a heart in need of Love. A Heart, so consumed under the covers of what was, of wanting an un apologetically apologetic apology from the unspoken- wanting to break free, break loose, wanting just Love. It’s that Love that couldn’t be found, couldn’t be seen, couldn’t be experienced because the mind clung to wanting the spoken from the un apologetic; whilst the heart was craving that, wanting that, needing that and in some twisted way, only able to receive that, when the mind let’s go, of wanting to hear the un apologetic apology from the spoken mouth of the unspoken.

Its the kind of Love you receive, that you get, that you radiate, that you fought for, when the unapologetic apology never gotten, actually becomes yours, when you can speak out of your throat, out of your heart, out of your mind, the truly apologetic apology, spoken by a spirit a spirit cleansed, renewed and filled with Love, all because of an un apologetic apology never spoken by the mouth where those words never formed in the throat, in the gut, in the heart of another, caused you, lead you to that Love.