new journeys

 

The past few months has seriously been a rollercoaster of endings and new beginnings and just navigating through it all, is a rollercoaster ride all on its own.

 

Remember the times when it was all about 16^th birthday parties, confirmations to 18th birthday parties, matric dances, after parties, it kind of seem like a lifetime ago (well it is basically a decade ago). This was such an amazing time, also a time that the parties you attended were with friends who now 10 years on are still such a big part of your life. And then there was the infamous 21^st (coming of age) party season, wow now that is basically a whole chapter, nope, a book on its own. All of a sudden the years just seem to pass and all of a sudden it is all about engagement parties, weddings, baby showers and welcoming new arrivals. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that my own 21^st was 6years ago (when did I get this old) and here I am finding myself in a new season, a season that I need a new compass, map, GPS and throwing in Suri would be an amazing bonus.

The past few months I had the honour (and I seriously do believe it is one), to witness a couple of my friends start a wonderful new chapter in their lives, the journey of motherhood. It is always wonderful and astonishing to see a woman carrying something so spectacular in her womb, but the experience becomes more profound the closer the people are to you (or that is at least what I have experienced). And no I am not broody, lol okay maybe a tiny teeny little bit, but the miracle of life and to see what a beautiful change it brings in the lives of people who you have journeyed with for years is totally exceptional.

 

I think it is absolutely humbling to be a part of a journey like this, witnessing how your friends navigated the crazy teenage years, all the ups and major downs, the happiness and sad times and then just to see this extraordinary glow about them, it radiates warmth, comfort, happiness, joy and unconditional love. A glow that makes you so absolutely excited and overjoyed to be sharing with them. When we are younger we tend to imagine and daydream what it would be like when someone in the circle would were to have a baby, what attributes they would inherit from which parent and just how it would be. And then years later you find yourself in this position and reality is far more remarkable that could have been anticipated. It is seriously one of those instances where you realise that a greater force is responsible for all of this beauty, for all of this love, for all of this wonder.

 

New beginnings are usually so scary, because you don’t know what to expect, you don’t know how to act and react, how to feel and what not to feel, it is almost like searching for the light switch in the pitch black dark and only be relying on touch and instinct. What makes new beginnings worth it is when you have support of amazing people around you, who willingly, lovingly, selflessly walk this journey with you.

I cannot wait for the day when I too experience this new beginning when that little peanut is growing in my womb, but at this moment I am so absolutely completely content and in awe of the mothers that my friends have become, it seriously is life changing, it is that beautiful thing that you would want everyone to know that you are witnessing.

So it may have started with our 16^th parties and matric dances, but now it slips over to the new generation, the mini me’s, and to be completely honest this is a wonderful journey to be a part of, to see how people who have been part of your life for such a long time, start a new phase, a new journey, a new chapter and that you are there to walk this journey with them, to be a part of it all, and someday tell that little one what a joy they have brought to our lives.

 

First week Fumbles

It’s been a little over a week into the New Year and maybe a lot has happened already, you know events that made you want to jump around and be ecstatically happy or the not so great moment that made you question if this was how the rest of the year would go. This is all possible, maybe you are part of those who felt the year kick off with a major bang, and two days into it, just had you questioning wtf and just making you more determined to change the course of the year.

 

Maybe you didn’t want to start the year off with a hand full of resolutions, because past experiences has taught you, to go about it on a day to day basis, I mean do you remember when you said you would go to gym; you ended up taking a selfie and just stopped going after the first day or week. So maybe you are just deciding to take a different approach, making a conscious decision to apply resolutions on a daily basis, allowing it to become a part, an extension of your everyday life and how you want to go about it. And it kinda works, it isn’t just a resolution anymore, it becomes, your goal, a desire, want and need that you consciously start to work towards as it becomes a part of who you are and want to be.

 

Maybe your new year started with a heartbreak, or just a break in something, the kind of break where someone decided to walk away from a relationship or situation that no longer serves them, where there is no more space to grow. Or maybe you were the one who walked away from a situation, because you were tackled by fear and over thinking and just because it seemed like the safest bet, even when you already knew that the only way it is supposed to play out, is for you to go through it. Maybe you realised in the first few week of the New Year that certain situations and relationships are just meant to be in your life at this specific time, no matter how crazy, foolish and dangerous it may seem and as much as you want to let go, you just get pulled in deeper. Whether you walked away or got walked out on, there is a lesson to be learnt, and if you decided to actually go through the motions, the only way out is through, it wouldn’t be easy, and maybe you will want to kick your own ass through the process, but if it sits right in your soul, it will be so worth it.

 

Maybe in the first week, you get reminded of your past, a past that you aren’t ashamed of anymore, no matter how shameful it was, because you owned up to every choice made, every action taken. You aren’t your past after all, but it did impact on who you are today, you learned from it, and every day you are striving to be a better version of yourself, to just be better than the person you were the previous day. So many times, actually most of the time, we get judged based on our past, judged by opinions others have of who we were in the past and this can ruin relationships that you might have in future. But this is the thing, if you want to talk about events that happened almost 10 years ago, do so, if you want to judge me based on who I was then, again, be my guest. But I know who I am now, I forgave myself for mistakes made and I learn from it on a daily basis, especially when it just randomly pops up and bites you in the ass. The thing is we are all just trying to be ourselves, and those people who actually deserve a spot in your life, won’t judge you, they might question your doctrine, but they will know and be aware that you aren’t your past, those who aren’t consumed by their ego’s that is.

 

Maybe in the first week of the New Year, you found new excitement, maybe you just received amazing news or you are just so positively inclined that being optimistic is the only way to go. Maybe you did something for the first time, something spontaneous that just made you feel that no matter how shitty the first week was, better times will definitely roll around. You know the part where you get pulled out of the car at a drive-thru by your friend, and you just starts dancing, and then your other friends join in, and it is just an absolutely amazing, thrilling feeling. The part where you are laughing so loud and literally just enjoying this dance party while waiting for your order. It is these moments that makes life bearable, it is the random, unexpected moments that just fill you up with so much love, joy, happiness and excitement.

 

So you may not have made resolutions, but you are becoming your goal, it is a part of you and taking and working at it on a daily basis. You may have wanted to walk from a situation, but you know that, that would have been true weakness and that this is a lesson your soul needs. You may have been reminded of your past, but hey you don’t live there anymore and those who remind you of that, deserves a place there, in the past. So maybe you had one of the best nights and moments ever that just sets the tone for the weeks to come, doing something for the first time, and just to let go and just embrace the now, no matter how silly or crazy. In the end we are all just trying to be ourselves.

break away

Such a wonderful thing what a change of scenery can do, it is almost like a break away from a break away. You know almost like the holiday within the holiday kind of vibes, when being on holiday and somehow unexpectedly getting a break away that actually feels like something the doctor ordered, something that soothes the soul. A lot of time, we just want to get away, have some fun, relax and not explain why we do the things that we do and in that we don’t always get the desired results we were anticipating and a holiday within a holiday is such an occurrence, the impulsive, unplanned, absolutely amusing, totally exciting days and nights that could not have played out that way if it was diarised, scheduled and listed to the t.

We don’t always realise we need a break away, or we do, but we don’t fully comprehend what kind of break it entails. We most of the time need a change of scenery, we need a change from what we are used too, to not only appreciate it more but also to have a perspective from another angle, especially when it comes to our lives. A change of scenery, environment, and weather can literally change the way you feel, how your mood changes, how your energy and vibe switches it up and how you feel about yourself. We sometimes get trapped in our daily way of living, our routine, what problems we are fixated on, overthinking situations to the point where it stresses us out so much and still we cannot do anything about it or change the outcome. A change is as good as a holiday they usually say, but they don’t mention that a break away within a break away is definitely sooooooooo worth it.

It is those unplanned events after weeks that seemed to crush your body, spirit and mind. It is the change of scenery after being surrounded by the same background and being unable to feel new and creative energy, when you get so lost in the background that it slips your mind that different backdrops and surroundings are waiting to be explored. It is that loving energy that literally seems so surround everyone you come in contact with, after experiencing a loss in a connection. It is those afternoons when the beauty of what surrounds you takes your breath away at every glance, that the majestic ambiances just totally engulfs emotion within that lights, the body, spirit and mind. It is the impulsive answer of yes let’s do it, of experiencing new things, exploring new avenues and feeding the mind when it has been deprived of the stimulation it craves. It is the wild, untamed, free, expressive moments that cannot be planned, the instants that makes you smile at random and just say, “this is happiness and I wouldn’t want it any other way”. It is the moments that is totally guiltless, whether it be new experiences, I mean after all when did you do something for the first time? When last did you do something for the first time and just felt absolutely thrilled, excited, happy and no, not even a smidge of guilt?

This is what a break away from a break away sometimes is, it is the journey of doing things for the first time, like walking through the drive-thru of a fast food place, it may be hooking up with that handsome stranger at the pub you went to for the first time, it may be that oh shit moment, the how the fuck did I end up here moment. It may even be something as simple as going wine tasting, scuba diving, getting out of your comfort zone, changing the ever so normal surroundings, for something different beyond what you are used too and comfortable with. The moments where guilt is not even a word, where the feeling of happiness cannot be ruined by guilt or negative feeling.  It is the breakaway where you need 1, maybe 2 weeks of sleep, vitamin boosters, a box of tissues and people to tell how absolutely amazing it was, the breakaway that no matter how bad you feel physical, that scar you don’t know where you got and just miraculously appeared, and knowing that it was SO WORTH IT.

Love and Magic

One of the most memorable moments was when Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother waved her magic wand and in an instance everything transformed; the pumpkin to a coach, the mice into horses, but probably the most spectacular, when Cinderella’s dreary rags turned into a dreamy vision that she couldn’t even have imagined.  Or remember Tinkerbell, when she flung her magic dust and Peter started to fly, and all he had to do was just believe that he could. But who couldn’t get over True Loves Kiss, true loves kiss was a magical experience all on its own, it cured, it awakened, it saved and made the happily ever after possible.

True Loves Kiss is our encounter of all that magic entails, a kiss on its own is like a magic show, but what makes this more spectacular is the emotion that is behind it. The big ol’ L- word, that makes one believe less and less in magic the more it gets misused and abused.  The L-word, LOVE sounds enchanting as soon as it leaves the lips and hits a note on the ear drum that sends butterflies to a tummy and makes a heart skip a beat, isn’t that magic all on its own? If there is any type of magic left, Love is definitely it, love is the force that drives so many of us, seeking it, giving it, receiving it, allowing it to thrill and captivate our hearts, minds, bodies and souls.

When we lose Love, a part of the magic we believed in, dies along with the loss. What we don’t always realise is, is that Love cannot be lost, it can be misplaced, misdirected even misinterpreted, almost the equivalent to this quote- “energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another- Einstein’’. So as soon as Love changes form when it boarders more on the negative axis, we sometimes feel that magic isn’t for real, because if Magic did exist wouldn’t Love not change form or go away. That is the beauty of magic, it is something you have to believe in and Love is exactly this, you must want to Love and experience the emotion that it brings, you must want to experience the unexplainable emotion that fills your every bone, that sends tingles down your spine, that makes you see all of the beauty that surrounds you (yes even the humming of the bird outside your window at 4 in the morning), an emotion that makes you glow from the inside out, an emotion that attracts all the happiness you feel toward you in varies ways, an emotion that you want to share, to allow endless joy and delight to enter the life of another. Isn’t this what Magic is? Experiencing happiness on a level that makes it feel as if your own person Fairy Godmother decided to grace you with her presence or Tinkerbell left you with some fairy dust.

Love is magic and we often forget that especially when it hurts us. We should remember that even when it hurts, it changes form to better suit the magical enchanting feeling that it supposed to be for us. Love drives me, through and through, to give, to receive, it is magical in all its forms and if this is a Fairy tale (which it is not) the title must be LOVE IS MAGIC.

found in chaos

In the midst of chaos is where you find it, it is within the commotion of hearts and minds filled with turmoil and confusion, where the little sparks, hits you like a ton of bricks and changes everything that you thought you knew.

It is in the midst of confusion when it seems that clarity is all but a fantasy, where things start to become clear, like fog disappearing with the rising sun.

It is in the midst of uproar between the logical mind and the impulsive heart. It is found in the disturbance brought on by the unexpected riot of a heart slowly beating against a chest in tune with the pace of another. It is found in a place where heart and mind flows with energy so surreal and expectant that is gives birth to the beauty of what is.

It is in the midst of a heart filled with so much gratitude, with so much happiness, with so much joy, that it just springs out where love flows with every beat of a heart breaking the wall that it hides behind.

It is in the midst of an analytical mind where the feeling of what is happening surpasses all logic, it creeps in slowly, making its home the body of a mind and heart that is expectant, expectant of what is happening, expectant of what already is.

It is confusing,

It is chaotic

It is adventure

It is thrilling

It is within the expectant chaos where it happened, where and when it starts to make sense. In being content it blooms like a flower, flows like a river, it is in chaos where it is found.

Storybook Moments

Feeling like a scene out of some sort of quirky romantic comedy, like a still picture from a lifestyle magazine, the kind where you can only imagine what each and every one is thinking and the mood that dawned at that specific moment. It almost reads like a book, each and every conversation a different chapter, aspect and perspective on the past, the present moment and future events still to occur. It’s like that beautiful instagram worthy moment, that couldn’t be captured in time, but it is netted in the minds and remains a memory of what ultimately seemed like the perfect day.

The intimate tranquil setting of a cosy little sanctuary hidden like an oasis in the driest of desert, literally and figuratively. Inviting and all so relaxing, the serenity that welcomes all participants to take their place and play their part to be characters in a story that will remain in memories of each who was present. Every wonderful story starts off with the perfect setting against a magnificent backdrop, every aspect faultlessly explained, from the cracking sounds of the wooden floors, the art against the walls, the bookshelves filled with written work, a whole walk through towards what feels like the secret garden. The secret garden being the location, with the manicured lawn, the little pond/pool, pebbles decorating the walk way and patches untouched by grass, where around a wooden table the atmosphere is prepared for a show that commences and every character gets their chance to give an unrehearsed candidly perfect performance of who they are.

As stories gets exchanged, the joyful effects of laughter fills the air, the after effects of laughing so hard that remains like the traces similar to that of a core work out (crunches, sit-ups, etc), the sounds of different voices talking, speaking, chatting, louder it gets as each person wants to be heard, telling a joke, something serious, all topics are allowed, nothing is off limits. Listening to every opinion given, each point of view, every funny story, each read between the lines moment, memories brought up, the do you remember when questions, the different conversations going on simultaneously. It’s like having a super power, having the ability to zone in on different talks and still being able to have some input or just give a laugh; or even being so confused that not one of all the on-going conversations even remotely makes sense.

A place where you can be yourself, a place where you can express love towards the people who surround you, a place where sharing the stories of when you first met your partner inspires and captures the spectators and makes them daydream about the day when they will finally meet their companion. It’s about the Ooh’s and Aah’s, the oh that is so cute, that is so beautiful, the instance where reliving that moment is filled with so much love and creates ties between existent relationships and those still to be formed. It’s the honestly candid moments that arise and gives birth to hilarious and comedic occasions, the old sing along karaoke tunes that makes your feet tap, fingers wiggle and voice screech as you want to hit those high notes, the selfie opportunities that cannot be missed, even if it results in photo bombs by everyone.

In a little hidden sanctuary, beautiful moments occur, intense conversations happens, inside and read between the lines jokes, memories are made, photographs taken to capture the instants, but mostly just being relaxed, having fun, and just enjoying the little tranquil space that is the present moment.

magic in a bag

Amazing how you can be transported back to different phases and memorable moments in your life, by something as simple as the scent of a somewhat familiar object. The taste that transports you back to a time, placing those memories safely in a sacred guarded inaccessible box. Colours that awaken memories so vivid, so real, just the happiest of thoughts lingers.

It’s opening the light, yet somewhat heavy gift bag. The excitement of discovering the hidden treasures inside that brightly coloured- flowery- whimsical-magical bag. The anticipation of opening up, being surprised by what is inside, butterflies of excitement because this bag is just magical. No matter what is inside, the magic of it will somehow fill one up. Amazed how one bag, could be filled with so much magic and happiness?

 

The pinks and yellows pop out, the soft, sugary, sweet taste of a cloud of candyfloss just takes you back to that young care free days. Where going to the zoo, the circus, basically any outing, -choosing between which shade of pastel enticed the senses- ended in the sugar rush of a ginormous bag of coloured clouds, with the original feeling of angelic dances being performed on the tongue. A taste that’s set in the mind of a youngster and will be able to instantaneously transform the grouchiest adult to the sweetest memories of a child.

 

The teddy bears, princess toys, animals, the cuteness factor that you “outgrew”, because teenagers and adults don’t play with toys anymore. That stuffed toy is hidden and at night when you cannot sleep, breaking it out, brings the most amazing sense of comfort even if you are 30. The cuddly, warmth of a teddy, the love that was shared, the safety and just the reassurance of happiness is astounding. Allowing the figurine to be the reminder of secrets being shared and kept, as only one party could speak, be it the nights that tears were shed and the fluffy exterior served as tissues and a warm sense of comfort. It’s a reminder that through the tough teenage crazed years, the kiddies toy was all that it was supposed to be, the comfort, cuddly, huggable, loveable and endearing that got you through some of the maddest times of your life. Warm, toasty, snuggly, cosy, soft, love, reassurance, all that in one toy, one teddy bear, one stuffed animal, one puppet.

 

“Sprits-sprits” the sound escaping the new bottle of perfume, the smell dawdles in a room, on the skin, in the memory of a young adult. Wanting to smell like the sweetest of flowers, being able to encapsulate the essence of all that you are, by the fragrance that eludes the body and spirit of young beautiful woman. It’s not just about smelling nice, it’s leaving a trail of memories, triggered by the aroma of a perfume that steals and creates recollections. The fragrance of joy and happiness, before the perception of what was, has been spoilt. The scent of a woman, of a unique being, finding herself, the fragrance that leaves a trail, like her footstep, like her fingerprint on everything that she touches.

 

Astonished at how one gift can include all those, trigger memories, thoughts and even aspirations, it is happiness in a gift bag after all. Not forgetting the, all oh so faithful chocolate. It can be sweet or bitter, dark or light, but the chocolaty taste that captures the senses, rushes a trip down memory lane. Be it the 5 year old, dirty mouth, sticky hands, over energized, on a sugar rush buzz. The- I’m not supposed to be having chocolate, teenage hormones, but yet it’s the only thing that makes me feel better vibe. The chocolate is the devil, I’m on a diet, I’m a self-proclaimed chocoholic, I crave chocolate, it’s a drug, I’ve-established-I-need-it-in-my-life moments. It’s just something that has always been there, ups, downs, highs, lows, something that’s used for celebratory purposes and also for the sad ones. It’s like the blood red cherry on an ice-cream Sunday. It just summarizes, the gift, and also life, the phases that was and yet to come.

 

I usually say it’s the thought that counts, not the price tag or what else not. With a magical bag filled with things that instantaneously transports you through a lifetime of memories, well that’s magic to me, that’s a gift, something that a price tag cannot hold its own against. So look past the price tag, allow the memories to be triggered, simplicity is key after all.