Have you ever done something just because you wanted to do it for yourself? No pressure, no outside influence, no person to impress but yourself. Have you ever just felt that the only person that you need to impress at the end of the day is yourself? Obviously there is a vast amount of pressure when you want to do some or other thing for yourself and this pressure doesn’t necessarily come from within, but mostly from outside, external influences.
I am an extremely sensitive person, you won’t ever say that when you see my badass exterior, but hey didn’t you know that looks can ultimately be deceiving. The past few years or let’s say for the past two years I made a decision to start doing things for myself. When I say doing things for myself; I mean that every decision I make is based on how it will make me feel, what the best will be for me and no longer to impress anyone screaming comments from the side-lines or voicing opinions that in the past made me doubt myself and my abilities. So many times we do things to impress or for the benefit of others, there is nothing wrong to do things to benefit others, but the moment you start doing so and no longer have a clear vision of who and what you are, as you lost yourself in the process.
I started writing for myself, actually I started writing to make sense of who and what Jo-dene is, who she was and who she is supposed to be. With every letter and word I write it is actually me talking to myself, about myself; what is going on in my head, heart and body and me just trying to make sense of what is happening in the present, why things happened in the past and to have a positive outlook for the future. I write to make sense of my truths, of what makes me happy, what makes me sad, I write because it makes me feel whole. So as I started my journey as a writer I sometimes wrote for other people, I started to write for the ‘Likes’, ‘Comments’ and ‘Followers’, as soon as I started doing that, I started to suffer from major writers block, I started to doubt if what I laid down on paper was good enough, if it would attract the attention that I was seeking and wanted. As I wrote for the external opinions, I started to lose the thing that made me whole. There is nothing as wonderful as people complimenting you on a well written piece, there is nothing as exciting as getting positive feedback and people wanting more, but there is nothing as disappointing when the compliments start to dry up and the positive feedback just completely stops. But then you start to think, why you are doing this in the first place; are you doing it to get recognition from you’re your peers (and yes obviously getting recognition is absolutely amazing), are you doing it to be loved and adored, or do you do it because it literally is the only thing that makes sense no matter which way you twist and turn it and because it is the part that makes you whole.
As thrilling and amazing as the positive opinions and comments of others are, the actual opinion and comment that actually matter is that of your own. No matter how many times you want to do things to impress others at the end of the day, you have to be impressed with yourself and how it makes you feel. Whenever I finish writing a piece, I get this rush of adrenaline shooting through my body, an attack of butterflies in my stomach, goose bumps creeping on my skin and an uncontrollable smile radiating from a place of happiness from within. It is only when I write for myself, when I reveal truths so deeply hidden, thoughts so mingled up, fears that I want to overcome, desires that I yearn for and dreams that I am slowly attaining, it is only then when it feels right. There is just something amazing about approving oneself, about loving oneself, one’s artistry, something wonderful about doing what makes you so tremendously happy, that if it sits well in your heart and soul, then that is the only approval that you need, want and seek.
The moment you start doing things for yourself, things that makes your heart pound out of your chest as adrenaline pumps through your veins as happiness pours over every inch of your body, that is when you know you are doing the right thing, that you are on the right path. Yes accolades and recognition would be wonderful, but the same positive opinions of others can turn to negative ones tomorrow. So give yourself a round of applause, give yourself a high 5 and get high on the happy feeling that fills you up every time you do something for yourself, that makes your soul light up, your heart smile and your body and mind radiate the self-approval, self-love, self-confidence, self-acceptance and happiness of self that comes from within.
johyphendene 